This is the section of "Baka Baka" where I single out the jerky bastards who dare to toy with the hearts of anime females! This is the number 1 offence in my book! For this, there is no forgiveness! Urusenai!
I know that this section will feature the longest entries and the most realistic punishments of all the sections of 'Baka Baka', but this is because these nim wits deserve it. Tiger tail ice cream is too good for them. Messing with the affections of a girl just isn't the thing to do if you want to be a well liked anime guy... but it's the perfect way to get on this page. Let the scathing remarks begin...
Okay, we all know who this guy is... the shameless 'heart throb' of the
Escaflowne series... the one who looks (not suprisingly) like Amano Sempai. Now,
I know tons of girls like Allen... and for the life of me I can't figure out
why. First of all, that whole 80's neo romatisism look has GOT to go. Is there
anything that can possibly be scarier then his clothing?.. Oh, wait, I forgot
about what the FEMALES from Asturia get stuck wearing Looks aren't everything... even a really krappy character design
with an equally bad wardrobe (ie some of the junk poor Yuu Matsura from
Marmalade Boy ends up wearing) can still win my heart if his personality is
good.... but girly-boy here can't even do THAT! He's always putting the moves
on SOME unfortunate female... I'm suprised the hormone machine didn't try to
seduce Merulu at some point! He strings along poor Milerna, had screwed around
with her MARRIED sister (who must have been MUCH older than he was), and then
goes on to lead on Hitomi too. I'll give him SOME credit... he does eventually
settle down with Hitomi for awhile... but then he wants complete control of her
actions! When he made his, now infamous, comment about needing a birdcage for
Hitomi, I just wanted to smack some sense into his head! What a control freak! It's probably
because he knew how much better Van was than him. I still have no idea why
Hitomi didn't pick Van in the first place anyways!
Okay, so he's physically a gimpy, girly, freak and ALSO a mondo creep in the
personality department, but I haven't even gotten to his WORST fault... his
sicko obsession with his sister Selena. I mean... it practally borders on insest!
He is so consummed with finding his sister that he makes Fox Mulder seem like
your sane everyday chap! That, and after Hitomi leaves him he concludes that
he was involved with her because she reminded him, in a way, of his sister!
I know he wanted to care for his sister badly, but this is just crossing the
"concerned brother" line and prancing through "Icky yucky incest time". Allen
needs some SERIOUS therapy!!!
So, what my question is is "why do so many girls swoon over this loser?!". I
just don't get it at all. This leads me to believe Allen, and guys like him
(some of which are featured in this section), have magical powers to make girls
swoon despite their jerky actions. Guys in real life have this power, so why
shouldn't anime guys have it too?! We girls need to get some sense and realize the nice guys are where it's at!
Okay... time for torture!!! (evil grin)....
1)Unbrainwash Hitomi, Milerna, and any other girl Allen has seduced
2)Let them, with the knowledge of what he's REALLY like, beat him black and blue
3)Once the girls are done, let every single guy who has had Allen wreck their
relationship have a go at him
4)Now that Allen is bleeding profusely (but still conscious), this is the time
to do some fun things. Draw on his forehead, tell him EXACTLY how stupid he
looks, give him a haircut with a weed wacker, pour salt and lemon juice on
his wounds... basically make him feel like the idiot he is!
5)Let him recover for a bit
6)Like the box says: "Wash rinse, REPEAT" !!!! (evil cackle)
ALLEN'S SUB-PUNISHMENT: Let's turn Selena back into Dilandau shall we! Allen
will go nutbar... and let's all face it; Selena's a wussy bore and Dilandau was
one of the spiffest things about the series! We'd be doing Escaflowne fans
everywhere a favour!
Yes, it's yet ANOTHER scary "I just don't understand it" heartbreaker! Meet
Brillo Pad Head... uh... I mean Tenchi. If you thought I thought Allen was a
hard one to explain... this guy's even more of a mystery.
Tenchi is one of the ugliest character designs I've seen in anime for awhile.
What's with that fuzz on the top of his head? Why does he always look so drugged
all the time? And why does he always get the dopiest sounding voice actors to
portray him? Actually, I know the answer to that one... if you have a dope for
a character, you must naturally have a voice to match! Tenchi shouldn't be the
main character in a series... he should be something you scrub your bathroom with!
Personality wise, Tenchi's a complete reject. He's just plain BORING! "Tenchi Muyo"
has some interesting characters, but Brillo pad head here is NOT one of them. I
don't know who's idea it was to use Bland Boy as a main character, but it wasn't
a good one. It's the main reason I don't watch "Tenchi Muyo" much... I
really just don't give a damn if he makes it through the episode or not. If he had
been crushed by a tree in the first ep of every "Tenchi Muyo" it would have been
a much better show. The title "Tenchi Muyo" honestly should be taken literaly...
ther really IS no need for Tenchi!
So why is he a heartbreaker if he's so unappealing? Because the writers of
the show somehow felt that this kind of person would attract girls... and not
just one or two... but practically his own HAREM of females! I've never understood
the anime concept of making the hero or heroine of a series irresistable to the
other characters he/she encounters... look at "Fushigi Yuugi" or "Marmalade Boy"
for good examples of this. Of course, in most cases the main character DOES have
redeeming qualities... Miki is a sweet person, Miaka is kind and loyal, and Yuu
is not only cute, but smart and funny too. These qualities don't fully explain
why the person is lusted after by all other characters, but at least it makes it so the situation believable enough. Tenchi, however, doesn't have this crutch... he's really got nothing
going for him. He doesn't seem like a particularaly good student, he's not physically
attractive, he isn't funny, he's not a good conversationist, he doesn't even seem
to be particularily rich and the house he's going to inherit is pretty ugly too.
He's kind of nice to the female characters in this series and this apparently
supposed to explain why they all fall head over feet for him. I hate to burst
the writers' bubbles, but that really isn't enough to get a girl. Being nice is
a good quality, but it's not ENOUGH on it's own... girls want more than that...
they want someone to actually be able to talk to! But me and Tenchi in a room
and I guarentee I'll be snoozing in less than an hour from lack of mental
stimulation! I guess some guys fantasise about getting tons of girls for no reason,
but in the real world this isn't going to happen... it's time for the guys who
believe in this type of illusion to get off their anime-watching behinds and
realise they need to be better people to get a girl, not have them magically
appear before them and lust after them 'just because'.
Okay, one last comment before I deliver Tenchi's well deserved sentence...
even if I could set aside his unappealingness and believe that there's got to
be SOMEONE out there that could love Tenchi for his blandness, I could never
forgive Tenchi for his indecisiveness with all the girls who are after him!
Guys in Japan must get off on cat fights and masses of women after one guy...
actually, now that I think about it... some American guys are the same way...
just look at Melrose Place... @@@anyways, Tenchi should be a REAL man and make
a decision regarding his little harem, but no... he'd rather be a wussy boy,
sit back, and watch the chicks fight over him. Any idiot can do that... it takes
a REAL man to outright say how he feels and commit to one person.
Some people have mentioned that the girls in the show have just decided he liked them and he doesn't want to be mean and tell them to get lost. But wouldn't he be a REAL nice guy if he let them know he didn't like them like they think he does so they can go and find guys who actually ARE intrested in them as girlfriends? Tenchi's inability to decide who he likes... or even if he likes ANY of the girls
who are after him... is a disgrace to all the good men out there who have found
their voice, made their choice, and stuck by him or her.
Tenchi, and the men like him, just perpetuate the myth that you can be a zero
and still have a parade of adorers. It also perpetuates the even more awful idea
that you can string along multitudes of girls and still be a good guy. That is
wrong... a person who would claim to not make a chioce because "he's too afraid
of hurting the other girls" is just a plain coward or a player. Tenchi is NOT a good guy and doesn't deserve the adoration
he recieves... yet he , and characters like him, still are created constantly
by the entertainment industry. This is for one simple reason... some people actually want to see a bland character with a ton of girls. Guess it gives them hope or something(smirk)
Well, now you know how vile I think Tenchi is... let's have some fun and
torture him for the snoozefest he truly is!
1)Teach Ryoko, Ayeaka, and all the other Tenchi females a bit about the Feminist
movement and throw in a little Girl Power. Have them realize that Tenchi isn't
worth their bother. After they figure this out, they'll likely leave him and
find someone who deserves their love
2)Let Tenchi realize EXACTLY what he is and have him mope around in his
disgustingness knowing exactly how horrible/boring he is.
3)Have him go through life as he ought... low end boring job... no real social
life... and forever single... making full well he knows the entire time what
he COULD have had
Granted, I know this is less violent then most of my other punishments...
but it completely fits. It's realistic and would hurt more than any physical
pain that could be done to him. Let the punishment fit the crime.
Gotta admit this one isn't a personal grudge. I don't have any horrifically strong feelings about Ranma here, but I got the greatest email from one GenkiBat that had my sides splitting. And genkiBat brings up some seriously good points too! So, instead of rewriting a blurb about Ranma, I'm just going to use the e-mail nomination I got IN FULL because it is PERFECT!
Okay, so he doesn't actually go under the stupid catagory, but, instead, the Heartless Hearbreakers!!
Here he is, ladies and gents, RANMA SAMATOME, the enemy to all women!!!
WHY should he be in the Heartless Heartbreakers section you may ask? Well,
simply put, he's almost exactly like Tenchi! He has THREE fiances, all of
which could do MUCH better, but ony two deserve it (I hate Shampoo... I hate
Shampoo...). He has so MANY rivals, and manages to beat them all. Let someone
ELSE take the spotlight for a second, will ya?! I laugh when Pantyhose Tarou
(the only one to ever beat Ramna) kicks his ass, and calls him Fem-boy and a
crossdresser. Ramna deserves EVERY SINGLE HIT! How is it that Ukyo, Akane,
and Shampoo haven't realised what a jerk he is?! Even SHAMPOO should be smart
enough to figure that one out! He's so crule to them. He strings along Ukyo
and Shampoo, and even Akane! He lets them believe that he likes them (yes,
even with Akane, The whole "I insult you because I love you" thing.), but
he's really slowly neglecting them untill they're going to beg to just be
around him, then he'll dump them!! ENEMY TO ALL WOMEN, I TELL YOU! *ahem*
Also, he is an idiot. A pure born idiot. He says that he hates being treated
like such a girl and sex object or whatever in girl form. This is also
entirely his own fault. How, you may ask? Well, the whole "Playboy bunny"
costumes and revealing oultfits he VOLINTARILLY wears as a girl could be part
of the problem, don't cha think?
Well, back to the main thing... He is, truly, the enemy of all women. First,
may I present his crimes with each of his fiances:
~GenkiBat
Couldn'ta put it better myself! (evil grin)
Akane______
Shampoo________
Ukyou_______
Now, here's MY punishment for him! >:)
