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The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!" The priest repeated his order. Still, the man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm headed, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."


This next one comes to me from my friend Lisanne(smile), I loved it Lisanne! Thank You and Keep them coming...(smile).

I'm "not" into working out. My Philosophy: No pain, noooo pain.

I always wanted to be somebody but I should have been "more" specific.

Have you ever noticed that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window?

Have you ever noticed anybody , who is going slower than you, is an Idiot, and anyone who is going faster than you is a Maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today, and we still don't know where she is!

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together "without" arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure, no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are "always" locking three.

The statistics on "sanity" are, that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three "best" friends. If they are okay, then it's YOU!

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Why does Sea World have a seafood resturant? I'm halfway through my fish-burger, and I realize, "Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner!

Why do you need a drivers license to buy liqure when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why is it that when the bad guy shoots at Superman he sticks out his chest and lets the bullets bounce off his chest, but when the bad guy throws the gun Superman ducks?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both managed to go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and with a glint in her eyes, says "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," laughs the man. "Good" she replies,
"Get up and get your own blanket."