A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his staff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddnely he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one!

A nurse at the beginning of her shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest wall. "Big Breaths," instructed the nurse "Yes, they used to be," remoursed the patient.

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested, There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing to hard to finish the exam.

during a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years when my husband was alive."

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly."

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, "Pepperoni Pizza," which he is served and then executed.

The Frenchman requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.

The Jew requests a plate of Strawberries. "STRAWBERRIES?"
"Yes, strawberries." He is told, "But they are out of season!" to which he replies,
"I'll wait..."

She is not a Babe or a Chick: she is a Breasted American

She is not a Screamer or a Moaner: She is Vocally Appreciative

She is not Easy: She is Horizontally Accessible

She is not Dumb: She is a Detour Off The Information SuperHighway

She has not Been Around: She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion

She is not an AirHead: She is Reality Impaired

She does not Get Drunk or Tipsy: She gets Chemically Inconvenienced

She is not Horney: She is Sexually Focused

She does not have Breast Implants: She is Medically Enhanced

She does not Nag You: She becomes Verbally Repetitive

She does not have Major League Hooters: She is Pectorally Superior

He does not have a Beer Gut: he has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility

He is not a Bad Dancer: He is Rhythmically Caucasian

He does not Get Lost All The Time: He Investigates Alternative Destinations

He is not balding: He is in Follicle Regression

He does not get Falling Down Drunk: He becomes Accidentally Horizontal

He does not act like a Total Ass: He developes a case of Rectal-Cranial Inversion

He is not a Male Chauvinist Pig: He has Swine Empathy

He is not afraid of Commitment: He is Monogamously Challenged

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the seconf hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose furneral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" My dog attacked and killed him." "Well, who is in the second hearse?" "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Could I borrow that dog?" "Get in line."