January-April 1999
April 27, 1999
Oh boy. Well, I needed a good swift kick in the rear, and did I ever get it! Got my renal grade back today, and it was not too
pretty. I am going to have to kick some major ass in the 2 coming weeks, and I think that grade just snapped me back to
reality! I have worked too hard this year to allow my recent lapse into uncontrallable burnout to mess it up for me. I do want
to do well and move forward with my medical education in the manner which I know I am capable of. I'm not in imminent
danger now, but if I don't tow the line for the rest of the semester, I could be. I let my recent awesome grades lull me into a
faulty sense of security. No more! I won't allow it. I feel that old stubborn drive coming back to me, and to tell you the truth, it
feels pretty damn wonderful. Whew...I CAN do this, and I WILL! In other news, my Pharmacology final was yesterday. and I
feel pretty good about it. I think I did just fine. That is just one more worry out of the way! Just a couple of vents...First of all,
my Hotmail account is SO SLOW. It is getting ridiculous. I think I may be switching my mail over to my Angelfire address if
this nonsense keeps up. I have a ton of email, and it takes forever for it to load. I know it isn't my computer, because
everything else loads just the same. It is so FRUSTRATING! Second of all...my air condtioner has been out for 3 days now,
and it is 95 degrees here. It is miserable! It seems that most everyone else's air got fixed YESTERDAY, but mine is still on the
blink. Just my luck. I HATE being hot, and I am thanking the good Lord in heaven that I have a FAN. I would have sweated
myself into a puddle by now without it. They tell me that it will be fixed today, so here is HOPING!
I think I hit a really low spot last night, and had a mini mental breakdown. Thank God that Kevin is who he is, and that he loves
me so much to be patient with me. He has truly been my rock and my angel through some of my darkest hours, and his support
truly overwhelms me. I have got to be one of the luckiest people in the world to have him love me the way that he does. I don't
think he could ever know what he means to me, but I know that I'll spend the rest of my life trying to let him know. I get to see
him on Thursday and again on Saturday when we go to Sunfest. I can't wait. I miss him terribly! These last few weeks, I feel
like I've come close to bottoming out, and now I am starting to climb back up again (kind of like my little guy at the top of this
page!) I have more hope than I have had in a very long time. Now all I have to do is make it count! Nothing to it but to do
it....my dad always says this, and he is so right. I'm finding, as I get older, that my dad is right about a lot of things. It's truly
amazing. On that note, I am off to STUDY, something I've been avoiding like the plague. All of the sudden, it is something that
I WANT to do, not just something that I HAVE to do. Here's to a new perspective and some real hard work to get me where
I want to be! Until we meet again...
April 20, 1999
Ugh. I cannot hang anymore. I am getting SO OLD. I have been suffering, and I do mean SUFFERING all day long with a
nice little hangover. Ugh. I tried to re-live my college drinking days last night. Josh and I stayed up drinking and playing UNO
until 5:00 in the morning. We are idiots. You'd think we were college freshmen, geez. I know we thought we were!
Unfortunately, my body is screaming at me that I am NOT 18 anymore. I'm so old. Oh well. It really was pretty fun, for the
most part. I truly love having close guy friends. It is such an eye opener to get to see their logic at work firsthand. Scary,
even. Men are SO different than women, and I think it is important to recognize this...it helps resolve a lot of inner turmoil! I've
had an up and down week. I am REALLY burned out on school, but I found out that my grades have been really AWESOME
since I stopped going to class. Interesting. I also got the schedule for third year that I wanted, so I'll be on rotation with Josh
and Charlotte. That makes me really happy :) In other news, I added a new section to my site. Haven't seen it? Click Here Yesterday we had an exam in Renal MOD and it was
a real bitch. I hope I did ok. I'm really kind of disgusted with myself now because I was super productive yesterday. I was on
a roll with getting things done and organized and in order. I even got to work out, and I was so gung ho about getting my life
together. Now all I want to do is lay on the couch, drink water, and sleep. Blech. Alcohol is so fun, but it is so bad. I'm very
lazy today, and I miss Kev. I didn't talk to him yesterday because we were drinking until really late. I didn't get up today until
one, and I know he's at work now. I want to talk to him nooooowwww. I'm a whiny baby, I know. Ok, well, I think I'd
better try to make a bagel or something to help my hypoglycemia. Next up? My Pharmacology final....yikes.
April 13, 1999
I'm so tired. Really exhausted. Dunno why, really, but wow, I feel like going to bed now, and it is only 8:30!!! Strange. It's
not like I didn't get plenty of sleep last night, or this whole past weekend, for that matter! Josh and I had an unofficial contest of
who could stay in Orlando longer...I won (big surprise!) That's ok, we aren't the worst ones of our friends....Brian and
Charlotte are apparently *still* in the Keys, and it's....Tuesday? I know that all of us are *extremely* tired of school. Maybe
that is the source of my perceived malaise. I just DO NOT want to be here. I need a very long, stress free, thought free, work
free break, and I find myself attempting to make one for myself at every turn. I know that I just need to suck it up and finish this
year out strong. I know I have it in me to do that very thing, but I don't WANNA!!! Blech. I just have to resume my routine.
My whole body is thrown off, I think! I must get back on track...I've come so very far, I just have a little further to go! Come
on, Kel...you've gotten through tougher things before...
April 7, 1999
Ahhh, spring cleaning! Funny how cleaning out your closets has the same effect on your spirits as cleaning up the messy
thoughts in a cluttered mind. If anything, my mind was definitely cluttered (but my closets were MORE cluttered!) I have been
cleaning for the good part of today...my closets, my mind, my soul. Things are starting to look really great! I haven't touched
my closet since I moved in, so I am damn impressed with my motivation to get it shaped up! I also did the standard dusting,
kitchen, dishes, trash, and vacuuming, and FINALLY unpacked my clothes completely from spring break (pathetic, I know).
Now I am reaping the benefits. Watching Dawson's Creek (a rerun, dammit,) burning the new Ginger Peach Tea candle that I
got from Pier 1, and playing online. *Sigh* Having a cleaner place is doing wonders for my state of mind. I may just be ready
to take on the remainder of this school year now! (Of course, this means going to class...I *will* go tomorrow!) Things are
definitely looking up for me. For those of you worried about me from my previous post, don't. I'm ok. I will always be ok, but
everyone has lapses every now and again, right? The rest of the week looks pretty typical for me. I have class and specialty
clinic tomorrow (Psychiatry - yea!) I'm debating picking up and going to Orlando on Thursday night. I don't know if that will
happen or not. We shall see. For now, I think I'm just going to sit and relax...it isn't often that I get to just *be* After this
update, it is back to the once a week update...I can't play on this site so much, as much as I would like to!
April 4, 1999
It's 2:22 AM, well, actually it's 1:22 AM, but with "spring forward" and all of that fun stuff, I'm considering my hour of sleep lost
already. Probably appropriate that it should happen tonight, since it appears that I will be getting very little sleep as it is. This
pulmonary test should be pressing enough to hold my attention, but if I see one more PaO2, I think I will scream. Why must we
have a test the day after Easter and the day after "spring forward?" I'm going to have to get to the school at 7, which will really
be 6, to take the test at 8, which will really be 7. Argh. Do you notice how we all do that time rationalization bit whenever the
time changes? I wonder how long it lasts...probably about a week or so, 'til we get acclimated. Funny how we learn to adjust
to something that seems so foreign when it is first introduced. We are such malleable creatures. I'm very sad tonight.
Something has happened that I swore would never happen to me again. I'm struggling to maintain objectivity, I'm trying to be
fair, but I feel a little lost. Do we learn from our past mistakes so that we won't let them happen again? Or do we take what
has happened before and use it to alter the course we choose if it happens again? I don't know what to do. Actually, I know
what I am going to do, I just don't know if it is right for me. It feels right....I *so* want it to be right. Lord, don't let me be
misled again. I don't think I could bear it. It's so hard to let go of fear...especially fear from the past. The fork has come and
gone...the decision made, please let it be the right one. I deserve to be happy. I won't settle for anything less. I won't ever let
myself be that miserable or pathetic ever again. Ever. Does anyone truly know what they have before they lose it? Here's
hoping...
April 1, 1999
Guess what? I'm still alive! Woo Hoo! Were you worried about me? Probably not. I can't believe it has been almost a month
since I last updated. March was a crazy month for me, though. Fortunately, I survived my exam hell relatively unscathed. I'm
still a second year med student...nothing failed just yet. Immediately following test hell, I had a well deserved (and altogether
too short) break. It was great and awful at the same time, since I got this lovely little taste of freedom, just to have it snatched
away again. So it goes. I have a test on Monday already, so reality is speeding upon me faster than I would like! It seems that
everyone in my classes shares my feelings about school right now...the general consensus? It really sucks! I wish I could win
the lottery. That would solve some problems! Actually, all bitching aside, I feel more motivated to get through it all. I'm trying
to do some goal setting for the next couple of months. Always searching for that ever elusive discipline. I know I have it in me
somewhere!! Speaking of being motivated, I truly should get going for now. I'll do my best to keep this weekly journal, it really
helps to be able to go back and see everything that I have gotten through so far. It gives me hope that I can overcome those
seemingly insurmountable tasks that lie before me! First things first, it's time to decide what to make for dinner :) (Hey, it's not
life altering, but it IS a start!) Until next time...
March 4, 1999
Do you ever have that sense of impending doom? Like something horrible is about to happen and there is nothing that you can
do? When I think about the hell I have to go through for the next 2 weeks, I get that feeling right in the pit of my stomach. Ick.
It starts Monday with 2 tests...one in Neuropharmacology, one in Neurology MOD, not fun. Then we start Hematology on that
self same Monday afternoon...the Hematology test? That Friday. That's not the best part. The best part is that the following
Tuesday we have a final in MOD, 8 sections, half of which we had LAST semester (and it took me at least 3 days to just study
for 1 section the first time around). It's only 46% of our grade, though. No big deal....HA! Stress is closing around me like a
small little box, and my defense mechanisms are not very helpful. I feel the need to just completely shrink from any
responsibility and do nothing. Not a good thing. I spent all day yesterday "recuperating" from celebrating my birthday. In
short? I was a bum. I slept and fooled around online for a LOOOONG time. Then I took it upon myself to eat the rest of that
damned chocolate cake so there wouldn't be anymore in my house! I started my routine up again today. I ate really well, and I
did 60 flights of stairs. My calves are going to kill me in the morning, but that will be good. I also picked up the watch that Kev
got me for my birthday up at the jewelers. I think i need to take it back there. They took 4 links out and it is still too loose on
my wrist. Wish the rest of my body was as little as my wrists! I did note cards today in class, and my goal is to have at least
half of my note cards done by tonight. Then I plan on reading Neurology until I fall asleep (which will take about 10 minutes!) I
have to say that I really do have the most wonderful boyfriend in the whole wide world. He sent me an email letter yesterday
that just brought tears to my eyes. He is so supportive and loving to me. I just don't know what I would do without him. Don't
let anyone tell you that nice guys don't exist, because they are out there and worth holding out for. Kevin is everything I could
ever want and so much more. I love him madly (or had you already guessed that?) I can't wait till spring break, when I will
finally get to spend some time with him. It's all planned out, it's going to be a blast! (I mean, it's no Turkey, but hey). Guess I
just have to keep that goal line in mind as I'm plodding through these next 2 weeks, huh? I know that you will forgive me if I
don't find the time to update this in the most timely fashion over the next 2 weeks, actually, I may end up updating it more as an
extreme form of procrastination...NO! I won't! Today has started my 2 hour limit on internet time...and it's been 2 hours and
15 minutes :) Better get going for now....until we meet again...
February 28, 1999
Well, I'm updating a little earlier than I usually do, but I need a distraction, and this is the most readily available one! Kev was in
town this weekend, well, I hesitate to say this weekend, since he got in REALLY late Friday evening and left at the crack of
dawn this morning, but he was here both Saturday and Sunday, so I guess that technically constitutes a weekend. It sucks
because on Sundays he has to be at work at noon, therefore, he has to leave at 7 in the morning to make it to work. We had
such a great time yesterday...just being silly and lazy and "us." In some ways it is harder for me to see him for just one day and
then have it snatched back, than not seeing him at all. I just get reminded of how great everything is when we are together, then
I have to just go back to the way things REALLY are. I know that we are paying our dues, I just wish the price wasn't so
high. A word to the wise, long distance relationships are not for the faint of heart! I wish that I had his Aquarian ability to just
separate from his feelings and go, no emotion, just "I have to leave, so I'm going." It amazes me. I never can do it, and I'm a
pretty strong girl. And for some reason, I think that I really don't like this date, but I don't know why...hmmm. Oh wait, I think
I remember....yick. I have got to get more positive right now. I will not wallow in the way things are today, for as bad as they
are now, they'll be that much better in the future. I hope I'm right. Unfortunately, Kevin left me in this place with a ton of
leftover junk food, including half of a devil's food cake (that we baked ourselves, thank you very much). Add that to
depression and PMS monster and you have a downright lethal combo! Maybe I will just give in and wallow for a while,
chocolate is the cure for all the world's ills, isn't it?
February 22, 1999
Once again, I am loving this date! 2-22-99 Repeating numbers everywhere :) I know that I probably seem a bit off, but
seriously, double numbers do seem to have a strange significance in my life. Perhaps I should become more familiar with the
study of numerology and figure out just why! Today was a good day...despite the fact that we had 2 tests, back to back, this
morning. Psychopharmacology and Intro to Psychiatry. Surprisingly, I feel quite good about both of them (that probably means
I failed both of them miserably)! However, I am happy for tonight, and that is good enough for me! Another happy thing is that
I'm not sick anymore! Woo hoo! THAT is a wonderful feeling, I can assure you! Unfortunately, now Eddy and Josh are
infected with my virus...ooops. Yet another reason I am so happy right now is that my place is CLEAN again! I really am
ashamed of the way I let things deteriorate when I am studying. The kitchen and living room are live-in-able again. My
bedroom? Well, that is another story. Kev is usually the same way. I think that we might have some problems once we move
in together...problems finding the FLOOR in the bedroom! It will be like living with Lara again...my housecleaning soulmate.
On any given day we could swim through the sea of clothes and crap on our floor, but when it was time to clean...watch out!
The rest of this week should be pretty easy. I am going back to the gym this week...I feel like Shamu. I don't think I will ever
want to put on a bathing suit again. Not as long as I have a test every week, anyway. I need a treadmill. I hate having to have
2 hours in order to work out. It is frustrating, and the best time for my body to work out is in the evening. Prime car and gym
traffic time...not good. Oh well. I just have to get through the rest of this week, and then I can see Kev. He is coming to visit
me in Miami. It seems like forever since he's been here, and I can't wait to see him. This weekend also is my last weekend of
being 23. I'm going to be 24 on March 2! Old, old, old. I always pictured my life differently at 24. Married, career
already....boy was I off. Here I am, the perpetual student...no job for 2 more years, and marriage? Just as long, if not longer. I
shudder to think of that. I'd really like to be married before I am 27 or 28, and I can't even fathom having kids yet. Rachel
thinks that she is going to have kids in about 2 years...SCARY! I draw the line of weird-ness at my friends having babies.
Comes with the territory, I guess. That is what happens when you get older! No matter. For the rest of this week and
weekend, I am still 23, so I plan to enjoy the hell out of it! With that, I believe I will conclude the longest journal entry I have
made in a while...who knew I had so much to say? Hey! I heard that...
February 17, 1999
I'm sick. Scratch that...I'm REALLY sick. I have a really nasty cold...sneezing, coughing, clogged sinuses, runny nose, the
works. I feel like hell. I have 2 tests on Monday. I want to die. All I want to do is sleep, and if I am really motivated, maybe
sit in a catatonic state on the couch, armed with my OJ and box of tissues. I NEVER get sick like this. I hate it. I thought that
I had enough energy to write in this journal, since I have not been a good updater, but I don't know how long I am going to last
here. Valentine's weekend was pretty nice, well as nice as it could be seeing how Kev and I had to spend it at my parents
house! We didn't get much alone time, but being the resourceful ones that we are, we managed just fine. The Billy Joel concert
was awesome though, so it was a fair trade off. Now I am back, I'm sick, and I am miserable. I wish my life was more
intriguing right now, but it just isn't. The biggest event right now is my rhinovirus, and it is telling me that I need to go back to
bed NOW. Here's hoping I feel better soon, and can further put all of you to sleep with my incoherent venting at a later time! :)
February 9, 1999
Wow...it is truly incredible what endorphins can do for your mood! I finally got around to going to the gym, and I just feel great
now! It has been a pretty full day today. I had class at 9:30 (Pharmacology, yick) and me, clueless girl that I am, woke up at
8:15 with the silly idea that class was at 9! I really had to talk myself into getting out of bed, but I did it, and was feeling pretty
proud of myself until I got to class and was informed that I could have stayed in bed longer! A real Homer Simpson "DOH!"
moment. So it goes. Class was unexciting, as usual, and then I got to do the fun task of taking the old car in for an oil
change...it was due in November...oops. Sitting in that waiting room really reinforced my hatred of Miami. Not one person
there was speaking English. It was really frightening...get me out of this FOREIGN COUNTRY!!! Oh well, at least they
washed my car, so now my dad won't blow an artery when he sees it! Then it was off to the gym. I worked out SO hard. I
feel like heifer girl after sitting around this weekend and studying for Cardio MOD (which went surprisingly smoothly, by the
way). Anyways, my endorphin levels are high, I'm feeling pretty productive, and I am happy. The sky right now is all hazy and
pink...like a pink fog (how appropriate for Miami). It is probably pollution...wonderful. Did I mention that I HATE it here?
Just checking. Two and a half more years...I can make it, I hope. The rest of this week looks pretty downhill. I'd love to get
out of my place for a while, or have someone else visit...it sucks that all my friends live so spread out. I am up for some serious
socializing, and we aren't going out until Thursday night! Hope I can hold out until then. I imagine that I will muddle through,
somehow. Oooh, I think I just saw lightning! I hope it storms tonight, that would put the perfect ending to this day. Lots of
thunder and lightning. Yay! Yes I am an oddball, but to know me is to love me :) Time to go for now!
February 3, 1999
Oh my goodness...it really is February already! Amazing. You know they really are right about time speeding up as you get
older. Don't you remember when you were 8 years old? A year seemed to last FOREVER. Now it seems that my years are
speeding by me before I even begin to register what is going on, and my 24th birthday is speeding up on me like a freight train.
I don't want to be 24...I wanted to stay 22 for the rest of my life, oh well. Ten years from now I'll probably be wishing I were
24, so I might as well enjoy it, right? Good news! I'm not failing Pharmacology! YAY! Sometimes my luck even amazes
me...it has to be luck. Too many good things happen to me not to believe that someone must really be looking out for me. I
just hope I can live up to everything that I've been blessed with. Cardiology exam is looming on the horizon, but we have all
day off tomorrow, so I am going to be super errand and study girl. I MUST go to the grocery store...I haven't been since
December, and I'm tired of existing on soup and water. I'm feeling much better about life in general, amazing the corners you
can turn once the PMS monster runs away and hides. I really hate being an emotional wreck for a week and a half every
month, it's weird, and I think it secretly scares Kevin to death. It's like I have a split personlity sometimes, and it must be scary
to behold. It's scary enough to feel! This will be the first weekend that I won't see Kev in a month...am I spoiled rotten or
what? I have plenty of studying to do, so it should fly by. I miss him and I just saw him....I wish there was a med school in
Orlando, I'd be a great charter member :) I probably could be top of my class if I didn't spend so much time daydreaming
about being with him! Oh well, I can hold my own. We're doing fine so far, and this is supposed to be the hard part! I guess
I'd better wrap up this rather meandering entry, who knew my life was so stiflingly boring? (actually, I've had excitement, and I
like this much better, living a soap opera is not all it's cracked up to be.) Is anyone still reading?
January 26, 1999
...and now for your weekly update... Geez, that was a bit corny, I'll admit, but what can I do? I'm in a goofy mood today.
Class started bright and early at 8:00 this morning...it's only about 2 now and I feel like it has been a long day already! I'm
slightly annoyed because I was all fired up to get myself off to the gym, only to come home to sopping wet gym shoes! I had to
wash them yesterday (they were in dire need of cleaning after this weekend,) and thanks to living in humidity-ville, they STILL
are not dry. Growl. I'm not quite ready to be studying yet, so internet procrastination wins again! Although I'm not quite as
morose as in my last entry, my role of "good-friend-only-when-I-need-you" seems to be going strong. Not all my friends are
this way, but the majority of those that I had considered "close friends" are...curiouser and curiouser. What have I done to
encourage this? I know this is wrong because I see how great Kevin's friends are to him...how happy they are to talk and see
each other and keep in touch. I haven't talked to one of my "good friends" for 2 weeks now, not so much as a simple dropped
line, and the last time we did talk, it was because I sought her out. That sucks! It pisses me off, really, but what can I do?
Grin and bear it, I guess. Like I said before, their loss! I'd just better do a better job of picking friends from now on! Enough
of that, suffice it to say that some experiments of mine have really opened my eyes. I'll not be so naive again! In other news, I
most probably failed the Pharm Test that I had on Monday. It was a real bitch, really involved questions and not enough time to
get them all hashed out. Yick. Now we are in Cardiology MOD, and so far, it's a lot nicer than pharm. I've already bought the
book and started reading. I will keep up...I have to! This weekend I am getting out of this hellhole before Superbowl madness
descends upon it. I'm off to Orlando, as soon as class is over! It should be nice. Kev is having some of his buddies down to
visit, and even though I feel a little uncomfortable butting in on their "hang out" time, Kev insists that they want me there, so I am
going! It should be an interesting weekend...we shall see. GO FALCONS! (gotta root for the underdog from the south, ya
know!) Ok, with that sentiment, I'm off to watch my very favorite (though thoroughly depressing) show...A Wedding
Story...what woman doesn't adore this show? Ciao!
January 11, 1999
Happy New Year! Back to the old grind. I like today's date...1-11-99. I think it is pretty cool! (those of you who are familiar with my affinity for double and triple
numbers will understand this, the rest of you, well, I'm just a little crazy, ok?) It really was a beautiful day today. I love it when
"cold" fronts come through Miami...high of 70, low in the 50's...that is just about perfect weather in my opinion! We had a
Pharmacology test this morning, and I have no earthly idea how I did. I was too busy shuffling note cards to be coherent! I
don't think that I failed though, always a good thing. I went to the gym today, as the start of my new, stick-to-able (nice made
up word, huh?) fitness schedule. Cardio three times a week, arms and abs 2 times a week, 8 glasses of water a day, less than
1000 calories a day, and no food after 6:00 p.m. I am forever trying to lose those elusive last 5-10 pounds so that I can be
happy with my body. I don't think anyone is ever really happy with their body though, so this is an exercise in futility, I
suppose. It does make me feel better about myself, though! We are going to Asheville in 4 days!! I just have to get through 4
days of class, and then I can get outta here for a long weekend with my Kev! :) This makes me incredibly happy! I think that
this really is a good day for me, 1-11-99...sooo fun to type (insert Adam Sandler voice here)! Ok, before I completely frighten
you with my repetitive number fetish, I will get going for now...gotta make dinner and eat it before 6:00! Take care all...buh
bye!
