On July 21, 2000, Richard, Chris and I made a journey into downtown Toronto and the crazy Christians were out that day. Richard and I were given those little pamphlets about how we are all going to burn in hell. For your reading pleasure, I have decided to write out exactly what this pamphlet said, but I suppose that once you've seen one you've seen them all, right? My comments will be in the purple font.
In LUKE 16:23 & 24 the Bible says; "AND IN HELL, HE LIFT UP HIS EYES, BEING IN TORMENTS, AND SEETH ABRAHAM AFAR OFF, AND LAZARUS IN HIS BOSOM. AND HE CRIED AND SAID FATHER ABRAHAM, HAVE MERCY ON ME, AND SEND LAZARUS, THAT HE MAY DIP THE TIP OF HIS FINGER IN WATER AND COOL MY TONGUE; FOR I AM TORMENTED IN THIS FLAME." [Whoever wrote this is being intellectually dishonest because they are leading you to believe that this man is in Hell because he didn't accept Jesus, but that is not so. The next verse, Luke 16:25 explains why this man is actually in Hell: "But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember in your lifetime you received your good things while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony.'" This man was in Hell because he was rich, and not because he did not accept Jesus as his lord or savior.] The Bible says in MARK 8:36, "FOR WHAT SHALL IT PROFIT A MAN, IF HE SHALL GAIN THE WHOLE WORLD, AND LOSE HIS OWN SOUL?" [Again, this seems to point to the idea that rich people who "gain the whole world" will go to Hell. This doesn't really have anything to do with Jesus, and the fact that they pretend it does is REALLY irritating.]
One day in HELL, you will not have to be bothered by some Christian trying to give you a gospel tract. Neither will you have to worry about a soul winner knocking on your door and inviting you to go to church. [Weee heee heee!!! That alone is almost worth Hell. Never having to put up with Christians again is a really tempting offer.] No sir, but you will be remembering every gospel sermon you ever heard, every gospel tract you turned down or tore up, each kind word from your mother, preacher or Christian friend pleading with you to be saved. You too, will one day be like the rich man you just read about in LUKE 16:23 & 24. [Hmmm...me thinks that in order to go to Hell just like the rich man, I would have to first be rich, like the rich man, although that would be nice.] You will be crying, and begging for one drop of water to cool your scorching tongue. But it will be too late! [Christian scare tactics at their best...they seem to think they can tell the future, so perhaps they could go get a job at some 1-800 phone psychics number?]
The Bible says in MATTHEW 23:33; "YE SERPENTS, YE GENERATION OF VIPERS, HOW CAN YE ESCAPE THE DAMNATION OF HELL?" How about it Friend, is HELL the place where you want to spend eternity? [Wellll...you offered a really good deal earlier with promising that I would never have to be bothered by preachy Christians again.]
The Bible says in PSALM 9:17; "THE WICKED SHALL BE TURNED INTO HELL, AND ALL THE NATIONS THAT FORGET GOD." [Actually, my bible says that "The wicked return to the grave, all the nations that forget God" which is VERY different from their version of the verse. In mine, it seems to point to the idea that the "wicked people who forget God" will simply die, and not go to Hell like their way of telling the verse implies. These people are really being dishonest!] In MATTHEW 25:41 the Bible says: "...DEPARTING FROM ME, YE CURSED INTO EVERLASTING FIRE, PREPARED FOR THE DEVIL AND HIS ANGELS:" [This little snippet doesn't come close to telling the whole story, which goes from Matthew 25:31-46. This story is actually a parable where a King separates the "sheep" from the "goats" and he says that the sheep can have an everlasting life since they were helpful in the King's time of need. The sheep deny ever having seen the King in need, but the King insists that they helped. Then, the King condemnes the goats to Hell, because they did not help in in his time of need. As did the sheep, the goats denied ever having seen the King in need, but the King insists that they did. I find this very interesting as it implies that God picks people at random to be saved, regardless of what they did throughout their lives.] You see, HELL was originally prepared for the Devil and his angels. But if you die wicked and cursed, by not being saved, you will be there with them! [Read: Hell was prepared originally for Satan and his crew, but since "God so loved the world" he decided that he could send humans there too.]
My friend, don't let anyone convince you that when you die, it will be all over. The Bible says in HEBREWS 9:27; "AND AS IT IS APPOINTED UNTO MEN ONCE TO DIE, BUT AFTER THIS IS THE JUDGEMENT:" God says judgement follows your death so NOW is the time to get ready to meet Him, because Judgement Day could be TODAY. The Bible says in REVELATION 20:15; "AND WHOSOEVER WAS NOT FOUND WRITTEN IN THE BOOK OF LIFE WAS CAST INTO THE LAKE OF FIRE." [Again, the author is being 'conviniently' forgetful to mention the whole story behind this verse. In the verse prior to 20:15, it says that "each person was judged according to what he had done", not according to who he had accepted as his savior. This verse implies that you will be judged according to how you lived your life and not by who you believed in as your god.]
My Friend, I beg you in the name of Jesus, to turn from your sinful, wicked ways and claim a new life with Jesus Christ. One day I too was traveling down the road that led to a BURNING HELL. I thought to myself, "There must be a better way." [Sounds like a damned info-mercial. 'There has to be a better way to make orange juice than by simply squeezing it! Introducing the sqeez-o-matic. Only $19.95....] Well, I trusted my heart and soul to Jesus Christ, now I can claim this vese from the Bible for my life; II CORINTHIANS 5:17 "THEREFORE IF ANY MAN BE IN CHRIST, HE IS A NEW CREATURE: OLD THINGS ARE PASSED AWAY; BEHOLD, ALL THINGS BECOME NEW." Thank you Jesus! [gag...I feel really neauseated]
HEAVEN or HELL? You do the choosing.
[Whoa, hold up...Heaven? What's that? All you've talked about
for the last three pages was Hell! And I was just starting to warm
up to the idea of going there.] If you are lost, and would
like to get your name written in God's "Book of Life", so you can
miss THE BURNING HELL, simply trust Him now, and pray "Lord
Jesus forgive me of my sins, come into my heart this moment and save
me. Amen." [While we were downtown,
Richard was reading this pamphlet out loud, and when he got to the
prayer, he said it outloud too, and was all like "Oh no! What have
I done???" Now he claims he has Jesus Powers. I remain unconvinced.]
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