Following are some excerpts from the daily Gibbleguts.com Newsletter. I don't know if i am allowed to be posting this or not, so to try and weasel my way out of trouble go and visit Gibbleguts.com. They have daily cartoons that are damned funny, and things like the daily rant. And if you subscribe, you'll get funny stuff like this in your emails. If you find anything on this page offensive, bite me. Have a nice day...
07/31/2000
Words of Wisdom ...
1. I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow's not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the
swooshing sound they make as they go
flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you
how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute:
if he isn't there the first time you need him, chances
are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem.
You have a perception problem.
7. My reality check bounced.
8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger
on the escape key.
9. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...
10. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding
through peanut butter!
11. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to
their level then beat you with experience.
8/2/2000
Word Play...
The Washington Post's Style Invitational
asked readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting
or changing one letter, and supply a
new definition.
Here are some recent winners:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself
for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you
are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. (like groovy, man)
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in.
(See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is
sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like
a serious bummer, ya know.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from
the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your
money to start with.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass
08/03/2000
ARKANSAS
Q: Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas
State Lottery?
A: Winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
Q: State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on
Arkansas I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
A: The driver replies, "'Bout what?"
Q: Did you hear about the newest law in Arkansas?
A: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother
and sister.
Q: Did you hear the governor's mansion in Arkansas
burned down?
A. Yeah, darn near took the whole trailer park with it!
Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
A: I-40.
Two fellas from Arkansas approach each other
on the street. One is carrying a sack.
"Hey, Tommy Ray, whacha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give 'em both to ya."
"OK. Ummmmmm...five?"
Q: What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas,
and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose themselves a trailer.
An Arkansas man came home to find his house on fire.
He rushed next door and called the fire dept.
"OK," replied the fireman, "We'll be right along. How do
we get there?"
"You still have those big red trucks, don't you?"
Q: What do you get when you have 32 people from
Arkansas in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movies in groups
of 18 or more?
A: 'Cuz 17 and under's not admitted.
9:14 am AEST August 4 2000
RAAF bombs Darwin caryard
AAP --
Defence officials were today investigating what caused a dummy missile to drop from an RAAF jet during a training operation, crushing a four-wheel drive ute in suburban Darwin.
The two-metre long, 130kg "simulated training device" dislodged from the FA-18 Hornet during annual joint Operation Pitch Black, a multinational air defence exercise involving British and Singaporean troops last night.
The Pitch Black exercise commander, Air Commodore Dave Dunlop, said the incident, which occurred as the aircraft was making a landing approach to RAAF Base Darwin around 9.10pm CST, was of great concern.
The aircraft had been impounded and an investigation was under way, he said.
Prime Minister John Howard said he was expecting a report on the incident later today.
It was the first time such an incident involving the Aim 7 Sparrow training device had occurred in Australia, Commodore Dunlop said.
All similar devices had been removed from FA-18 Hornets involved in the exercise as a safety precaution, he said.
"As soon as I became aware of this incident I went to meet the owner of the car repair yard who was on the premises at the time," he said in a statement.
"I was able to reassure the car repair yard owner that the Royal Australian Air Force would make good any damage within his premises."
Tony Travers was preparing to cook his dinner at Datto's panel beaters in Berrima when the missile fell just 10 metres away from him, crushing the Landcruiser ute.
"It was like a huge thunderclap," Mr Travers told ABC radio.
"I rang the police and the RAAF and that, and then made my sausage sanger.
"Then I went outside and had a look around and they eventually rang back and said they had lost a missile."
"I've gone and had a closer inspection and found half of it."
He said the Landcruiser, belonging to landlord Basil Roe, was "absolutely, totally decimated".
"It was being restored but it's a bit past that stage now," he added.
"I've never seen nothing like it in my life mate," Mr Roe told Sky News describing the remains of his car.
"I've seen cars in accidents and that but that's a pretty good front-ender.
"The whole engine and everything is just blown to pieces."
