During the final days at Denver''s old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I''m sorry sir. I''ll be happy to try to help you, but I''ve got to help these folks first, and I''m sure we''ll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I''m sorry, sir, but you''ll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
The fishing rod
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one
to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-
Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me
sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell
you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She
didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a
6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all
around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can
tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's
what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman
breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that
there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that
she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be
$25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and
the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
You might be a redneck if.....
Your kid calls your sister, mom.
You think icing is what you do to your front steps before your mother in law comes over.
You drink gas because you found out you can run two and a half miles per hour faster.
You've ever tried to drown a fish.
You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
You drink Labatt 50
You've ever had to knock the spider webs down to use the bathroom.
Your son says, "Dad, can I have a can of mix?"
Your Christmas stocking is full of ammo.
You go to the DMV to transfer the title to your home.
You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!"
You wonder why there isn't a hairstyle called "The Hat Line."
You actually like Spam.
Your pickup truck has a bigger turning radius than your house.
You send a request to a major fragrance designer to try to recreate the smell of a dead skunk.
Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs.
The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house.
You cuss and refer to your wife, mother, aunt, and sister with one word.
Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner.
You have more pet names for your huntin' dog than for your girlfriend.
You mistake the offering plate for a spit can.
You go to church to pick up women.
You bring your dog with you to church.
You think that Australia is ruled by the south because their flags are similar.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
Your only tie is made of leather, silver and turquoise.
You buy a can of Mountain Dew just to serve as a container to spit tobacco juice in.
Your house gets picked up every week.
If bar-b-que is a daily thing.
You think that the Dark Side is a room in your house.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
You've ever held a guy over your head because of a fight over a CD radio.
You think a Ford Mustang is a new bread of horse.
You prefer to sleep in the truck than in your house.
You have heard more than four people say "Your mamma...she's naked!" before running out of a room with new heart conditions.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature.
You break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
You've ever valet parked a snowplow.
You vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
You've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
You've ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom.
You kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year's eve party.
You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.
There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
You've ever mistaken your Aunt Betty for a man.
You think paprika is a Third World country.
You ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student" at the local junior high.
You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
You played the banjo in your high school band.
The velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.
You have no hubcaps on your car because you're using them to feed you hunting dogs.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You've ever used lard in bed. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You pick your teeth from a catalog You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear cars on your car are twice the size of your front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought a Graceland.
You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mother every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"
You have more that two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to a Q-tip.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in March.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you. You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes you voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
Your mother doesn't put on her shoes to go grocery shopping.
You've ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
You owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.
You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest."
You roll your hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
You think the Mountain Men is Deliverance were just "misunderstood."
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
You own at least 20 baseball caps.
You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one that hangs'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have house that's mobile and 14 cars that aren't.
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
Your 'huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire... on her house.
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog's Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like.
You fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.
You see a sign that says "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a page from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station too see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You."
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it.)
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were canceled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year, you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your fist date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinated rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can properly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of ID
On stage night, you take a real deer.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guesthouse.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
Your kids' favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.
Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.
You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
Your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
You have more carpet on your toilet than on your floors.
Your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
Someone asks for your ID and you show 'em your belt buckle.
Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
Every day somebody comes to your door mistakenly thinking that you're having a yard sale.
The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
You prefer to walk the access length of your jeans rather than hem them.
You smoked during your wedding.
People ask to hunt in your front yard.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
Your check feature pictures of dogs fighting.
Your mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said, "Ya'll come look at this before I flush it.
Your satellite dish is bigger than your house.
Your tires on your truck are bigger than your wife.
You've ever driven a tractor to school.
Your high school prom had a day care center.
You have more than five magazines on the back of your toilet.
There is a shrine to the Dukes of Hazard somewhere in your home.
Your dad has ever been married so many times that U-haul gives him Christmas cards.
You had a necklace made from a beer tab.
Your grandma got in a fist-fight over a handicap parking space.
You think the Indy 500 is 500 Indians running down a hill.
If your life long dream is to get the autograph of the General Lee from
the TV show Dukes of Hazard.
If you apologize to your car repeatedly just to get it started.
If you pet someone else's dog and your wife thinks you're flirting.
If your idea of a night on the town is ordering two Big Macs and a large fry.
If the couch in your living room was found beside the curb.
If the furniture on your front lawn is in better condition then the furniture in your living room.
If your idea of home improvement is rearranging the cars in your front
yard.
If your "I Love...." tattoo has more than one name crossed out on it.
If you met your first and present wife at the Dairy Queen.
If your idea of a divorce settlement is splitting the bills equally.
If you have at least one of those clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.
If you've ever thought about trying to install a clapper device on your car as a remote starter.
If you refuse to live in a house because there isn't enough room for all
of your cars.
If you memorize redneck jokes so you can be the life of the party.
If more than one of your friends shows up at your Halloween party wearing a lampshade asking "Know what I am?"
If your girlfriends idea of safe sex is to lock the car door.
If the entire police force of your town knows you on a first name basis.
If you have a 'reserved' cell at the police station.
If you've ever tried to marry a judge just to get out of paying a traffic ticket.
If you think a blood alcohol test is used to make sure there isn't any blood in your case of beer.
If you watch the "Jeff Foxworthy Show" religiously.
If you lie awake at night thinking of redneck jokes to submit to Jeff
Foxworthy.
If you prefer to kill what you eat rather than buying what you eat.
If the Home Shopping channel is the second most watched program in your house (Hee-Haw being the first).
You think going formal is wearing your good overalls.
You own the big truck that transports trailer homes.
Your mobile home still has the flags and signs that say "Wide Load."
Your home grown vegetables are grown on your kitchen window sill.
Your dog has it's own place setting at the dinner table.
You claim your pets as dependents on your income tax.
Everyday at your house is a family reunion.
You have your own dog kennel in your back yard.
You've found every one of your pets.
You've ever tied a leash on a grasshopper.
The most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.
You call rust a quality paint job.
If you've ever been a member of the KKK at more than one time.
Someone yells hoe-down and your girlfriend hits the floor.
You stare at a can of orange juice because it says concentrate.
Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
You swerve to hit a deer.
You can play the star spangled banner on your beer gut.
Your momma and your dog bathe together.
The grocery store clerk wouldn't believe the Skoal was for your mom.
You know all the lyrics to the hit song CONVOY.
Your definition of hard drive is a pickup truck with no seat cushions on a bumpy road.
You use a tire for a sled.
Your bathroom air freshener is a pack of matches.
You got married at a monster truck rally.
Your not allowed to mention the game warden at the table.
Your Aunt Birtha used to be your Uncle Joe.
You wore your Carhart overalls and matching coat to your senior prom.
You use a Coleman lantern as your only source of heat.
You have to slip a bottle of Jack Daniels to the emissions guy so that your truck will pass.
You've ever used the scope on your huntin' rifle to locate your kids.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it.
You enter a fully functioning, deserted restroom and urinate in the sink.
You brush your tooth less than you comb your eyebrow.
You only know one foreign city, Copenhagen.
If your house and your barn are the same building.
If your best crystal used to contain snuff.
You consider muskrat a gourmet food.
Your house is on wheels and three cars in the yard.
You have a horse and he eats the same foods you do.
You take spurs to show off at your local public school.
Your toenails curl before you cut them.
Socks in bed turn you on.
You think a sieve is part of your shirt.
You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.
You took a beer to a job interview.
You think when someone says the word rig and it reminds you of a pair of suspenders.
Your mom is the man of the house.
You wear a bra under a strapless dress.
If you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You think another name for a pay toilet is Johnny Cash.
Your dad and your tires are both bald.
Your wife has only one bra and you have 10 fishing poles.
Your neighbors swing is a better tire than you have on your truck.
You live in a $24,500 trailer and have a $2,425,000 bass boat.
Your tractor hat and coat are the same color.
Your idea of a gourmet meal is the noon special at the truck stop.
You think straight D's is the honor roll.
You think payday is when the welfare check comes.
You think multi-cultural means you have more than one virus at a time.
When someone mentions a sleeping bag you think of your wife.
You think buying from the good humor truck is ordering alacarte.
The best art work you own is a cut out from a twelve pack of beer.
If you have to mow your driveway.
You own any willow furniture you made yourself.
You have a collar and your dog doesn't.
You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.
Your front porch collapses and four dogs got killed.
You stand in line for more than 7 hours for your deer tags.
If your mother drives a tractor-trailer and her friends call her "Butch".
If your backyard looks like a junkyard.
You spend more money on Copenhagen and Budweiser in a year than you do on your whole family.
You think tractor pulling should be the national sport.
Your dad walks you to school because you are in the same grade.
You've ever dipped snuff during a job interview.
You ask for all your teeth for Christmas.
If your momma's beard is thicker than yours.
You ever re-mortgaged your house to buy a bass boat.
Everyone you know has more than one first name.
You ever made change in the offering plate.
Your momma can tell the highway patrolman to kiss off without taking the cigarette out of her mouth.
You have ever gone to a concert in the Wall Mart parking lot.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Drivers, Start Your Engines".
Your think your license plate is personalized because your father made it in prison.
You think Dr. School is a miracle worker.
You've ever taken a stair off your house and used it as a running board on your truck.
You have an imprint of a tobacco can on the back pocket of your favorite blue jeans.
Someone asks you the time and you say "January".
You've ever been pulled over by the Coast Guard. Directions like "up the road a piece" means you have to pack a lunch.
You ever walked two miles from your house to go to the bathroom.
The only gold you own is in your mouth.
You're related to everyone at the high school reunion.
You are the state cow tipping champ.
Your toothbrush has more hair than your dog.
You consider a six-pack life support.
You like the idea that there are 24 beers in a case and 24 hours in a day.
Your family vehicle bears the name John Deere.
Your yard is cleaner after a tornado than before.
Your mom ran off with the neighbor's dog.
You have more jewelry than Deion Sanders and it comes from the Home Shopping Network.
You need to tattoo your name on your hand so you can remember it.
You think a goat is an indoor animal.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
Your wife ruins her best dress going coon hunting.
The neighborhood tire relay winner is the fastest one to change all the tires on his house.
Your family tree forms a wreath.
If the contents of your fishing tackle box is worth more than your house.
You mow your front lawn and discover five cars.
People come up and ask you daily if you're having a yard sale.
You have to drive past more than three junk cars and a gutted deer to get your mail.
You go to a class reunion and all five of you are related.
Your family tree doesn't branch.
You apply
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