I slowly became a recluse. Hiding in my room, away from the torturous taunting of my peers, away from the belittling comments that seemed to defile my mind and make my self-esteem become smaller and smaller until it was nothing. I didn't have many friends, and the ones I did have were drifting further and further away from me. Melissa, my closest friend, was slowly pulling away from me, sinking into depression. It was hard for me, to try and keep her above the clinical level and do the same for myself.
My parents hadn't been getting along either nor had I been getting along with them. I tried to convey my fervent and dire pleas for help, but they fell on deaf ears. They were too tied up with their own lives to care. But why would they? My life was falling apart. I had nothing going for me anymore. No friends, no family, no boyfriend, nothing, absolutely nothing.
The only thing that were, were my grades, but in my school it didn't matter if you were smart or not. The only thing that mattered was if you were anorexic or bulimic. Not even that, as long as you were thin, one thing would I never be. I stared down at my hands. Twirling the sharp blade around. I began to cry I knew I had to end my life right there and then. It had to end. I'd rather die than continue on with this horrid way of living.
I couldn't help wallowing in this void of depression. Nothing could stop me now; the blade was up against my skin I thought nothing could stop what I was about to do. Neither of my parents were home and I was an only child. The blade was millimeters away from piercing my skin when a song came on the radio. I wavered for a bit and stopped. The song changed my life, it actually, saved it.
I know sometimes you feel
Like you don't fit in
And this world doesn't know
What you have within
When I look at you
I see something rare
A rose that can grow anywhere
And there's no one I know that can compare
CHORUS
What makes you different (makes you beautiful)
What's there inside you shines through to me
And in your eyes I see
All the love I'll ever need
Your all I need oh girl
What makes you different (makes you beautiful) to me
Yeah
You got something so real
You touched me so deep
See material things
Don't matter to me
So come as you are
You got nothing to prove
You won me with all that you do
And I wanna take this chance to say to you
CHORUS
You don't know (You don't know)
How you touched my life (touched my life)
Oh in so many ways I just can't describe
You taught me what love is suppose to be
You saw the little things that make you beautiful to me
So beautiful
What makes you
CHORUS
Your beautiful to me'
I heard the first few lines of the song and immediately broke down crying. Everything that I wished was put into a song. The first few simple lines showed me that there are people who love me just because I'm different. It showed me that I could change my life around for the better. I could start by getting all suicidal thoughts out of my head, and getting rid of the razor. I picked up the fallen razor and threw it away, hoping to never see it again. I thought about all the attributes in which I was endowed: the gift of intelligence, the gift of empathy, the gift of being able to listen to others, the gift of life.
The next day I walked into class with a new mien and my step jaunty. I was able to fend for myself; I was not someone to be pushed around. I didn't have to stand aloof from the crowd, and I didn't have to be a nonentity. I could parry the harsh jaunts and ignore them, showing I was the better person, I was the victor.
Many things are apt to go awry in life, and all I had to do was face them.
And it's true, music really does heal the soul.
** That song was not written by myself and does not belong to me. It
was
written by: Howie Dorough, Steve Diamond, and Andreas Carlsson.
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