funny interview

You join us as the band (three) and interviewers (six) take their places at the conferance table. What follows is the full transcripts of what ensued....

Pushy Dutch Bloke: I am Will from Amsterdam and my first questioon is whatever happened to the submarine?

Adrock: I love Amsterdam.

Yauch: It's interesting what happened to the submarine. We were transferring it over to Portugal in order to give the rhinoceros to the Pope, when the submarine sank and the rhinocerous died. So we had it stuffed and gave it to him.

(No one has a clue what they're talking about)

Mike D: Actually we gave it to the president.

Yauch: Or was it the king?

Adrock: I don't know. I think the Pope's got it.

Another Dutch dude: I'm Paul from Amsterdam as well. I heard rumors that Bjork was in the studio with you in New York.

Mike D: Bjork did appear via telephone.

Yauch: No, she did come by the studio.

Mike D: Oh.

Balding Belgian: Did Puff Daddy have anything to do with the record?

Yauch: Well, he was kind of invisible the time he was there. Literally. We didn't even know.

Mike D: In our reality he wasn't there.

Sky: Yauch, you once said you had "more rhymes than got grey hairs." Since you've grown more gray hairs, has there been a corresponding increase in the number of rhymes available to you?

Yauch: I certainly hope so.

Adrock: We calculate that reguarly.

Mike D: That's one of the reasons the record took so long. I had to count the gray hairs and Yauch had to count the rhymes in his book.

Sky: What have you been doing for the last four years?

Yauch: (sensing Britishness) Mucking about.

Mike D: Spending a penny.

Yauch: A lot of different things. We spent some time organising the Tibetan Freedom Cocerts, working on the Grand Royal stuff, just hanging out...

Adrock: We were on heroin for a while...

Mike D: Cut our hair. Grew it again.

Adrock: Rode bicycles around, skateboards, took massage therapy groups together.

Mike D: We had a theory of, "OK, we're going to make a record but not by a certain day." That probably didn't work in terms of us ever conceivably finishing it. But it wasn't really gruelling in itself (adopts strange English luvvie accent), if I can say the word "gruelling."

Incisive Dutch journo: So is Adrock now the lone musician in The Beastie Boys?

The all laugh. (long pause)

Adrock: (dumbly) I don't know.

Mike D: Adam definitely did a lot of homework with his sampler, and he's also very involved in another group, BS2000.

Dutch guy: So has Yauch felt left out?

Yauch: Yeah, I have as a matter of fact. I'm glad you're all here right now so I can voice my left-outness.

Mike D: Hey, let's all hold hands, this is how close we are...(Mike and Yauch hold hands. Adrock puts his feet on his chair.) Hey, Adam's a little less physical. That's OK.

Another foreign guy (ignoring them): What's kept you together for 16 years?

Adrock: Um...contracts.

Mike D: It's a thing we made with each other. If one person bows out before 20 years, they forfeit all the candy from the candy store.

Dutchman: You had a bandage on your eye in a recent picture. What happened?

Mike D: This is actually a new eye. I replaced it. And it looks just like the old one. It looks just as good.

Dutchman (visibly frustrated): But what happened?

Adrock: We were playing Boggle and one of the cubes flew up...

Mike D: You'd think it's a safe game. But it took my eye out.

Sky: What do you think of the old skool revival?

Yauch: There's another old skool revival?

Mike D: Which one?

Sky: The Jason Nevin/Run DMC one.

Mike D: Oh, that one.

Yauch: Back home they never went away.

Mike D: There's probably people who never saw Run DMC so it's still an exciting, relevant thing. You hear some record that has samples over it and you discover Public Enemy.

Second Dutchman: I think hip hop culture is getting too commercial. Like, I turn around and see a Coke commercial with scratching on it.

Yauch: (sarky) NO!

Mike D: No, we would never do that.

Sky: Are you looking forward to coming back in with the 80s revival? Then you'll actually be doubly fashionable - both in your first album incarnation and your current one...

Mike D: Yeah! And then we won't need to worry about the record because we'll be so busy running in a full circle of cool.

Pushy Dutchman: Why are you in a can of sardines on the album cover?

Mike D: (long pause) Yes.

Sky: Do you still smoke loads of weed?

Adrock: (amused) Loads?

Yauch: Not loads.

Mike D: (cockney accent) 'Ow many pahnds can yer punch, mate?

Yauch: I stopped smoking weed about...90-something.

Mike D: Oh, back in the 90s. I had to cut down a little on this album, to be honest.

Sky: Working with Lee Perry (legendary reggae bloke who kept a waterfowl in his studio and had his Rasta friends poke Robert Palmer with sticks while he tried to record there) probably didn't help...

Mike D: That was just for one day.

Yauch: I got some weed for him, though.

Pushy Dutchman: Do you feel bad about that?

Yauch: No, not at all. It made him happy.

Sky: Are you worried that an 80s revival could once more make the mullet a viable hair option?

Yauch: I don't see the mullet as being a specific thing of the 80s. It has such a huge history.

Sky: As long as there are hocky players...

Adrock: As long as there's America.

Mike D: And not just America, Germany too. It's viable on an international level.

Sky: Finally, have you ever seen the "Teletubbies"?

Mike D: Yeah, but more the merchandising than the show.

Sky: So you haven't picked a favourite yet, then?

Adrock: I saw a couple of episodes that some of my friends brought back on tape. They got really into it and now they won't stop singing the "Teletubbies" song. I can't really work it out. Is that it? Just "Teletubbies"?

And with that, the buzzer goes to signal the end of the interview. A horde of Euro hacks descend bearing items to be signed and the head of press is sent out to find some gold pens to sign things with. Someone starts going on about seeing the Beasties on-stage with the big penis, ans enquires as to whatever happened to that penis. "Do you wanna buy it?" says Adrock excitedly. "Then they'd know what happened to it. You've got it..." Right you are then.