Operator Girl: Grand Royal.

You got a Kenny Tick over there?

OG: Yes we do.

Well, let me get one then. And I mean now, baby.

OG: Uh...hold on.

(Puts me on long hold.)

KT: Grand Royal.

This Kenny Tick?

KT: Yeah.

Yeah, hey. What's up?

KT: What's up? Who's this?

This is Chris.

KT: Chris . . . ?

Yeah . . . Chris.

KT: Hey, what's up?

What's going on?

KT: Chillin'.

Hey, man. Where's Mike at?

KT: Mike?

Mike D.

KT: What?

Mike D. I'm lookin' for the Beastie Boys. I heard you're the man to talk to.

KT: What? Who's this? Where you calling from?

This is Chris from Strength Magazine.

KT: Strength Magazine?

Yeah, you know the magazine?

KT: I'm very familiar with the magazine. I know Shea (Johnson).

Fantastic. Then you'll be able to help me. I hear you're like the 7th Beastie boy and I was wondering . . .

KT: That's a bunch of shit. I don't even know those guys.

You're lying. Not at all?

KT: Nope, not any of them.

You work right there. In Grand Royal. You never met them?

KT: No. Who is this?

This is Chris.

KT: This ain't Chris.

Chris. From Strength Magazine.

KT: Is this Strength from Chris? I mean . . .

Chris. From Strength magazine.

KT: Oh. So who is telling you all this info about me?

My man.

KT: Who's your man?

This dude Steve.

KT: Steve who?

You know Steve.

KT: Who is this? Is this Kai?

Who? No. This is Chris. From Strength Magazine.

KT. No, no, no.I don't know who Steve is, dude.

Really. Says he knows you. Pretty well, too, if you know what I mean. He says you're the man.

KT: Nah, man. He's got that all wrong.

You're not the man?

KT: Nope.

Hmmmmm. Is there another Kenny Tick there I should be talking to?

KT: Nope.

So, tell me, what is it like to be the most influential white rap group?

KT: Oh, man. Listen, I gotta go.

C'mon, Kenny, help me out.

KT: Really, who is this?

It's Chris. From Strength Magazine.

KT: Just tell me who this is.

I'm really not fuckin' with you.

KT: Yeah, but . . . I don't understand . . . why is this phone call directed towards me?

They said you're the man to talk to and I need some fuckin' answers here, Kenny. Kenny Tick. You're the man. That's what they said.

KT: You're trippin'.

Help me out, Kenny.

KT: Wish I could, dude.

How's the new album coming?

KT: I have no info on that. No idea.

So what was it like touring with Run DMC?

KT: You're trippin', dude. Peace. Late.

(Kenny hangs up. I wait. He picks up the phone a few second later.)

Kenny, what happened?

KT: Hello?

Hello. I'm still here. Chris. From Strength Magazine.

KT: What's up, dude? (Kenny is getting a little vexed at this point.)

What's the matter, Kenny?

KT: Alright, already. Who the fuck is this?

I'm not gonna tell you again. It's Chris from Strength.

KT: Why you trippin', man?

Who's really trippin' here, Kenny? I just need some answers.

KT: You're calling the wrong person.

Who should I talk to?

KT: What are you, a writer? Are you a writer over there?

Yeah, yeah. Writer. That's right.

KT: This is who you go through, Nasty Little Man. They handle all publicity.

That's who I talked to. I talked to Steve. Steve said to talk to you.

KT: (Long pause) Oh. Is that what's going on?

He said you're the man.

KT: Why didn't you tell me that shit?

I said Steve.

KT: But you didn't say from where. You need to tell me those things.

I figured, you know, how many Steve's could you know?

KT: Tons. I do radio, homie. I speak to a grip of kids a day.

How many are in a grip?

KT: Listen.

Listen. Sorry. I didn't know. So you think you can help me out?

KT: I really don't know what's going on with them.

That's cool. If you don't know an answer, just lie.

KT: Hold on one second.

(Long hold)

KT: Let me get this straight. You talked to Steve Martin and he said for you to talk to me.

Said you are the man.

KT: And that I could help you out.

Kenny Tick. The man. Call him.

KT: Ok. Fuck. I'm thinking, man . . . I don't really know too much about what's going on with them, to be honest, dude.

Fuck it. Just lie. It'd probably sound better anyway.

KT: I can't do that, dude.

Why? C'mon, Kenny.

KT: You got a job to do, kid, and I've got a job to do...

Oh, I get it. It's like against company policy to talk shit about your employer. Or something?

KT: No, it's not about talkin' shit, homie. I do radio, I'm not the man to be speaking to.

What do you do with radios? Fix them?

KT: Who the fuck is this?

I'm not telling.

KT: And Steve Martin told you to call me.

That's right. Kenny Tick. The man.

KT: Ok...see...don't call me, dude. I gotta be straight out with you, dude. Don't call me.

Hey, no problem. So, what exactly do you do there, Kenny?

KT: Don't worry about it.

Hey. Kenny? What's up? Golly. I don't like that tone.

KT: I gotta go.

Can you please transfer me to someone who can help me?

KT: Hold on.

(Long Hold)

Brandon: Hello.

Hey, hello. Howdy. How's it going? Who's this?

B: This is Brandon.

Brandon. What's going on? This is Chris from Strength Magazine.

B: Hey, Chris, what's going on?

Chillin'. How are you?

B: Cool.

Hey, I was hoping you could help me out with some info. I'm trying to do a story on the Beastie Boys.

B: No problem.

Really?

B: how can I help?

See, those guys are busy in the studio, playing basketball and don't have time for the interview.

B: That's the thing. Everything surrounding this album is way secretive and I don't even know what the hell is going on. All I know is they're recording and the shit is supposed to be the shit.

See, we're not even so concerned about the album. We just wanted to know about the trials and tribulations of being white.

B: Oh.

So, what's with Ad-Rock's blowout? Is he gonna rep it for the album cover or . . .

B: He cut his hair.

Oh. What was going on with that shit?

B: New style. You know, it got cold out in New York. It's hard to maintain your hairstyles.

What was up with Mike's Kris Kross hair piece?

B: Kris Kross?

You know, jump jump; with the rubber bands?

B: That shit's gone. He's strictly with the old school Spicoli look.

So what was it like touring with Run DMC?

B: I didn't tour with Run DMC.

Oh I know, but if you were them.

B: Who? The Beasties? If I was them, it'd be the shit. It'd be crazy. Old school. Those are the old school days. That's when the record company was just giving them money and they got to do what they had to do.

Why are you taking so long with this new album?

B: It's that time. New album, this is when they wanna come out. Represent. They see all these suckas coming out and they're like, 'Fuck this shit.'

Is it true Yauch wears those orange capes all the time?

B: Orange capes?

Like the Tibetan ninjas.

B: Oh. Nah, nah.

And when is Mike D's signature golf shoe coming out?

B: What?

Nike announced a Mike D golf shoe.

B: Mike with a golf shoe from Nike? Uh . . . I don't think so.

Damn. That's fucked up. I have the worst sources . . . Brandon, what do you do there?

B: I'm Adam's assistant.

What do you have to do for Adam? Get his coffee?

B: Nah, you know, I help him with his fan mail.

He gets a lot of fan mail, eh?

B: Lots and lots.

What kind of shit do people send him?

B: All kinds of stuff from Buddhist love to women who are trying to be his wife.

Does he ever get stinky panties?

B: No.

How about naked pictures?

B: Sometimes there's pictures. Not lately, though.

Are they dope girls or are they like Manatees?

B: It varies. Some dope, some not so dope.

Do you ever see any naked, married heffers? Like fat, like Big Punisher fat?

B: Fully. All the time. It's rough.

Wait a second. Which Adam do you work for?

B: Yauch.

Hmmm. I see. Has he gotten any better at snowboarding? Because I saw that one video where he's going down the mountain and he couldn't even stick the 360. What was that all about?

B: I don't know what you're talking about.

(Voice from behind telling Brandon to hang up. Brandon puts me on hold.)

B: Uh, ah, uh, yeah. I need to take care of some shit right now . . . but do you need anything else?

Have you ever stolen any of Adam's shit, like an orange cape, without him knowing?

B: No.

Because that would be bad Karma, right?

B: Right. It's all family here. Everything's cool.

Kenny's not so cool.

B: What?

Never mind. Listen, can you transfer me to Felicia?

B: Who?

Felicia?

B: Oh. Yeah. Hold on.

(It was a lucky guess. He puts me on hold.)

Felicia: Grand Royal.

Hey, this is Chris.

F: Hi how are you?

Oh, I'm fine. What are you doing?

F: Working hard.

Fresh. Listen, Kenny said I should speak to you about the Beastie Boys.

F: Oh . . . regarding what?

Regarding, you know, their personalities, their lifestyles, grooming habits. Possibly their love lives.

F: Ok.

Ok. I'm going to ask you some questions, directed at them, and I would hope instead of answering them to the best of your knowledge you would, instead, respond as if you were in their shoes.

F: Uh, is this for some sort of magazine or something?

Does that matter?

F: Yes.

Well, then, of course it's for a magazine. Most certainly.

F: Which?

Which what?

F: Which magazine?

Does it matter?

F: Yes.

Strength Magazine. The skateboarding magazine for the love child and innerlight in all of us.

F: Ok . . . you should actually speak to Nasty Little Man, they handle . . .

That's who told me to call.

F: Who?

Steve.

F: I thought you said Kenny.

I lied.

F: Ok. Can I call you right back?

Sure.

F: What's your name again?

Chris Nieratko.

F: And your number?

Did you go on tour with them in '86?

F: No . . . not until they went to Japan.

Was Biz Markie with them for that tour?

F: No. I don't think so. No.

That's good, you know, because he's a wild and crazy alcoholic. He's like the hip-hop Sam Kinneson.

F: I don't know about the alcohol, but I hear he's a crazy man.

You don't know the half of it, honey.

F: What did you say your number was?

I didn't. Would you have preferred to go on tour with them and Biz or Run DMC?

F: I have no idea. I've got to take care of something and I'll call you right back.

Fine, Fine. That's fine.

F: What's your number?

(I gave her my number. She never called me back. I should have called her back, but I thought it was too late. I forgot California is three hours behind, not ahead.)