JOKES  & 
SHORT FUNNY STORIES

• Stranger - Yes sir, I’ve come out here to make a honest living
  Native - Well, you won’t have much competition

• A teacher asked one of her pupils, "Can you name our nation's capital?" The reply was, "Washington DC" When asked what the "DC" stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"

• "I suppose the neighbor's geese could tell a story of getting cold.  They were resting on the frozen pond and rested a bit too long for by the next morning they were frozen onto the ice!  With the help of human effort and some hot water they were free again and they were off--maybe to a warmer area...but missing a few feathers"

• "A friend has a shaggy dog and couldn't seem to get the electronic dog collar to work.  He put the collar on himself and told his wife to push the button when he got about 1/4 mile away.  He would let her know he was ready when he blew the car horn.  Upon hearing the horn she pressed the button.   This startled him so that he pushed his foot on the gas as well as his hand on the horn and ended up in the ditch.  Because the horn kept sounding, he wife faithfully kept pushing the button.  Of course it turned out the collar worked perfectly after all.  He finally threw himself out of the car and rolled around in the field.   When the horn stopped blowing, he wife stopped pressing the button."

• "7 week old puppies, Adorable, super children pets, one ugly one!"

• After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family. "Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust." "That's right, Johnny, I did." "And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?" "Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

• One couple lived together for 60 years without a single argument. Their secret? They shared the same hearing aid.

• A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.   "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."   "Yeah", his wife nodded, "And it has your weight wrong, too."

• A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear; "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five."

• A little girl and her father, tourists in New York, visited the Empire State Building and went up, up, up in the elevator. At the sixtieth floor, her stomach and ears beginning to show the heights, the girl clung to her father's hand and asked in some desperation, "Daddy, does God know we are coming?"

• On a trip to the zoo, I made a casual stroll by the cage of a laughing hyena. A young man was leaning over the bar at the edge of the cage, whispering something in the animal's direction. As I stepped closer, I heard him say, "Did you hear the one about..."

• A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

• Don Edwards, a newspaper columnist, writes of the little fellow standing at the bottom of a department store escalator. Intently looking at the handrail, the small boy would not take his eyes away. A salesperson asked, 'Are you lost?' - 'Nope' came the reply. 'I'm waiting for my chewing gum to come back.'

• Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

• Our supermarket shelves are filled with instant foods ranging from soup and coffee to complicated precooked meals that our microwave ovens can prepare in just minutes. Someone said they overheard one mother rebuking her son in the produce section of the grocery store, saying, "Put that back. It has to be cooked."

• For weeks a little boy told his teacher about the baby that was coming to his house. One day, his mother let him feel the baby move in her tummy. He then stopped telling the teacher about the baby. The teacher finally asked, "What happened to the baby you were expecting at your house?" The boy broke into tears and said, "I think my Mommy ate it!"

-- authors unknown --

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