23 September 1999

My condo closed yesterday. Now it's MINE. Steve (not the same one I write long letters to), Angie, and I went yesterday after closing and started the clean up process. Steve did the kitchen, Angie the putting away, and I the bathroom.

Reminder to self: Mail the letter to Steve at his college address in Tuscon. (For those of you who are curious it's 28 pages, typed.)

I really do love James. I was just looking back through my calender at all the things we've done together. I remember it all so vividly. I can't remember what my life was like before him. He is my everything, even if I hate that he buzzed off all his beautiful hair.

I wanted to cry. Is that fickle of me? I love him, hair or not, but all his beautiful hair...it was so soft...I'll get used to it. I know I will, but it will take a little bit.

I have so much to do. So very much. I need to pay AAA for my membership, straiten out my medical insurance, get my bloodwork done, Go to the Ob-gyn, get a psychiatric analysis and then go back to Dr Wilhelm, get my DL, get moved in, get my nails done, pay my association fee...

I'm going to miss James so much while I'm in Ohio. It's going to be horrible. It will probably be bad at the wedding and on the car trip. We've been together eight months. Can you believe that? It feels like forever. I want it to be forever.

I see a red door and I want to paint it black
Black
Black
Black
black like the sky tonight. Full moon shining down. Well, almost full. Waxing or Gibous? Maybe I should have paid more attention in astronomy. I think it's Gibbous. Oh well. Why am I fighting with myself? Is that normal? Is it normal for me to ask that so often? What defines normal anyway?

Ugh! I feel sick! Sick. Like Tori, running after Billy. Running after the rain.

I definately should not have eaten that sub tonight. I should have gone a little lighter on my stomach. I hope that I'm all right. But then again, I hope that I'm not imgagining things...I so do not want to have inherited being a hypochondriac from my grandmother. Jewel. A real gem. Gem my ass. I must say though, being a hypochondriac is probably the most pleasant thing that I could inherit. She's a cold deceptive, manipulative, psychotic, lying, cheating, unfeeling, evil, slut, whore, BITCH!!! There, did I make that clear enough? Oh, I forgot selfesh, ignorant, prejudiced...

I pray I don't turn out like her or anything close to it. I don't hate her though, I pity her more than anything. Well, with these thoughts I'm going to drift off to dream.