03 October 1999

Val's hamster just bit me again. Mean, little bastard. Same finger, just the other side. Brian's on the floor necking with some girl. I'm sure Josh is going to tell on him. Aaron is shit-faced. It's scary he's had so much alcohol and yet it's somewhat humorous. I'm sure I'm tipsy but I'm so aware and I'm sure I'll remember everything but I think I need a Xanex because I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking down or breaking something. But I can't take it because of the alcohol I'm bleeding and I don't want to take the drugs and be dependant on it.

and so it's disturbing watching Brian roll around on the floor with some chick he doesn't know. and what are the repricusions? I feel so out of control it's unbelievable and I'm still not free and what is Brian thinking? I'm not trying to be a mom, but what are things going to be like for this girl tomorrow?

What's up with all of this? It wouldn't be so bad if Brian and Josh weren't here. Especially Josh.

and I wonder what Amber would say about my handwriting now. It's all out of control and almost unreadable.

out of control. It's a scary place for me and am I going to remember this tomorrow and will I have a headache after tomorrow and I'm sure I'll remember because Josh is going to run his self righteous haughty little do gooder mouth and there's going to be problems later on.