15 November 1999

Last night had to be the worst night of my life. Right now I can't think of anything worse. There is this empty place inside and it swallows everything else. And I don't understand. Even though I could feel this moment coming for some time now. Nothing could ever have prepared me for it.

Why now? I wasn't ready. I'm not strong enough.

I never wanted it to happen ever. But it did and now I'm alone.

He says it's nothin I did. He just feels he shouldn't be with me. He thinks he should be alone. Yet he still holds on. He let go but he still kisses me and holds me. I don't want him to stop...And I don't know what I read in his eyes, something like pain.

What did I do? Nothing he says. But he'll still be here for me. And he loves me as much as ever but he still let me go.

what the hell is going on here? What gives? I don't understand. And I don't want to be without him.

Ten months and so much sacrifice. So much we've been through. Ten months flew out the window. Ten months cast aside.

Why? The biggest question in my mind. Why? I need to understand. Why? And I'm not sure I can grasp why....What goes through his head? Why is there so much hurt in him? Who did that to him? Who made him insecure?

I can't deal with this right now. And my eyes are puffy enough without more crying.

And I'm sitting here in this foreign office. I don't belong. Dr. Wilhelm is a moron. Well, he's a creep at the very least. And they're laughing back there. What could be so funny? I see nothing funny at all. Sometimes I wonder if people are laughing at me. It's stupid, but I'm just insecure. That's stupid too.

My world is spinning and people are here, but I watch from the outside wanting to understand, wanting to be part of something. But I can't