05 October 1999

I'm sick of everyone today. I want to be alone and get my shit in order. I want to make my life mine. And I'm going to be strong. Fuck the Xanex. I'm not going to be dependant on any drug. And if I have to cryor hurt I'll hold it in until it kills me. I'm sick of being walked on. From now on what I do is for me. And I'm not going to let ANYONE hurt me. Of course, I'm probably bull shitting myself. I'm living a lie. It's not going to happen anymore. I have to get my house put together and get my license. I'm sick of being dependent on anyone.

And James better knock that chip off his shoulder because it's pissing me off. And he's killing my insides. He went to Bible study last night even though I wasn't there to push. What does that mean? Does he love me? He says that he loves me. Love is a funny thing. And I love him. I really do and I don't want to let go.

And I don't want to talk about that anymore. I'm just in a really bad mood and so is he. I really want to work on my apartment. I want it done.