House Parties 101

Shopping for Your/Someone Else's Party.

It is common knowledge that a college house party consists of these Crucial Elements:

Five Elements of the Average House Party

1. Drinking
2. Idle Banter
3. Drinking
4. Silly Drinking Games
5. Possible Public Nudity (See #1, #3)

"5 W's and 1 H of Party Planning."

WHO

is coming to this party? Figure on at least 2 times the number of people that you have invited to show. This is accounting for Crashers. So if you invited 10 peeps to your get-together, assume at least 20 to show.

WHAT

are these silly people going to drink? WHAT do you think? Actually, a better question is what WOULN'T they drink. I'll explain later.

WHEN

should I buy all the booze? A good day in advance is best. Avoid those last minute vodka runs, they just add unnessessary stress.

WHERE

should I get the booze and the mixers? Stick to the Discount Liquor stores, especially if they have Frequent Buyer Clubs or something. I'll give more reasons later Drug stores are a ripoff. For mixers and fruit, go to the grocery store, you'll save those $4.00-a-bottle markups on O.J. that the Booze Shacks throw.

WHY

am I stuck with all the shopping? You shouldn't be! Get someone to help your slack ass! Pick someone close, 'cause you will need some help serving as well. Make the host help, too.

HOW

the hell am I gunna pay for this? That's up to you and the host...

Lose the Beer, Man!

1. It's not economical for the drinks-to-drunkeness ratio. I figure that a 12-pack of mid-quality beer runs about 8 bucks. For your average 160-lb male, it takes about 5-6 beers in a one hour period to get drunk. That's almost $4.00 per person! Compare this to Vodka. A 750 mL/26 oz. bottle costs about 12 bucks, and with only 3, 2 oz. drinks to get this same guy off his feet, you're looking at only 3 bucks a person, and that buck counts when you have 30 guests!
2. Drinking 5 beers (60 ounces) to get drunk is wasteful and difficult. 6 oz. of spirits is much easier on the body, especially the next day. People tipsed on liquor are much more mild-mannered than beerheads.
3. Beer and booze DON'T MIX!! It doesn't matter which you drink first, you still end up crapped on.
4. Beer stinks! When (that's right, when) someone spills a beer, it stinks, and it stains.
5. Beer wastes valuable fridge space, and you will need it!!
6. How the heck are you gunna learn to be a good bartender if you can't mix drinks! Cause there aren't too many beer mixed drinks at all.
7. If someone wants beer, some crasher will probably end up bringing some anyway.

Shopping List for 30 Hoodlums

• 2, 750 mL bottles of store-brand Vodka
• 2, 750 mL bottles of store-brand Rum (1 light, 1 dark)
• 1, 750 mL bottle of store-brand Gin
• 1, 750 mL bottle of decent Tequila (cheap tequila sucks!)
• 3, 750 mL bottles of asst. store-brand Cordials (Liqueurs, Schnapps, etc.)
• 1 bottle of deece white/blush wine (this is civilized, remember!)

MIXERS!!

• 1-2 gallons Orange Juice
• 2 quarts Cranberry Juice
• 1 quart Pineapple Juice
• 1 pint Lemon Juice
• 1 pint Lime Juice
• 2 2-liter Club Soda
• 1 2-liter Ginger Ale
• 2 2-liter Cola
• 1 2-liter Lemon-lime Soda
• 1 pint Cream/Half & Half
• 3 cans asst. fruit
• fresh fruit for garnishes (lemons, limes, oranges, etc.)

ASSORTED CRUD!!!

• Plastic Cups, 6 oz, 40 pack (x2)
• Straws, box of 200 (x1)
• Stirrers/Spears, box of 100 (x1)
• Napkins, 400-pack (x1)
• Paper Towels, roll (x2)

TOTAL COST, PLUS DISCRETION FUND= $150.00

I know that sounds like a lot, but keep in mind, that this is for a kick-ass party, and that really is not that bad for 30 people. You could be a dork, and demand a cover charge to help differ the funds, or charge like $0.50 a drink. If you play it right, you can end up making money from these parties. Don't ever forget your tip cup! And while we are on the subject of not forgetting things, let's talk about equipment.

Tools of the Trade

You WILL Need:

• A Blender.
  Blended Drinks are a must for the house party. Plus, you will have something to crush ice, if the blender has that attachment. Always pour liquids into a blender before the ice. You'll save the blades that way.
• A Cocktail Shaker.
  You will need something to shake drinks in, and it need not be a $50.00 stainless steel arrangement, you can improvise if you have to. One of my first shakers was a Barnes and Noble travel coffee mug, with a screw-top and a covered spout. Another was a Gatorade sports bottle. Sure, now I have the Mother of all Shakers, but those worked just as well.
• A Strainer.
  You will have to strain out chunks of ice and other things from your shaker as you pour. The best strainer is what's known as a Hawthorne Strainer, which is that little paddle with the spring if you've never heard that name before. It's hard to improvise these, plus they are inexpensive, so buy one!
• Measuring Devices.
  You need to know how much stuff is going into your drinks. A liquid measuring cup with ounces listed works fine, but I prefer different equipment. I use a graduated shot glass and a double jigger measure. The Double Jigger usually has a 3/4 oz. measure on one side, and a 1 1/2 oz. measure on the other. A set of measuring spoons is a must as well.
• Ice Bucket.
  You will need ice, and probably a lot of it. So keep this handy, and keep a scoop or a set of tongs handy to serve, never use your hands, you cretin!
• Waiter's Wine Opener.
  Remember when I listed a bottle of wine as part of your list? Well, you will need this nifty little thing to open it! If you don't know how to use one, you are really lame, and should be scorned. Plus, you can use one end to open the occasional bottle of *gag* beer.
• A pitcher.
  No, not Nolan Ryan, but a container to hold and pour those drinks that you make in large quantities, like Margarita's. Enough Said.
• Bottle Pourers.
  These are the things that fit over the end of the bottle, and allow you to keep a constant, steady pour. They also prevent messes from drips and tipped bottles.

Time to Set Up!

More Tips for Setting Up

1. Set up the bar in the kitchen, if possible. Spills are easy to clean in a kitchen, and you will have a ready supply of ice, not to mention the fridge!
2. If you do set up in the kitchen, set the food somewhere else! You don't need a horde of people in one crammed spot. That leads to accidents.
3. Keep the booze out of the hands of your guests! This means Hide it! A table with a thick linen covering gives you a good area underneath to hide that stuff. Encourage the guests to make orders to you.
4. You will need garnishes, and a good time to prep these is after you set up. Orange wheels and lime and lemon wedges are about all you need to fix. You can spear cherries and pineapple chunks as you need them, so there's no need to prep. Store them in the fridge after you wrap them up. While you're at it, check your ice supply, cause you will need it! Set up the blenders and stuff too.

Making Punch

• 1 750 mL bottle Light Rum
• 6 oz. Lemon Juice
• 6 oz. Canned Frozen Lemonade
• 6 oz. Canned Orange Juice
• 3 liters 7-Up
• Big Ice Hunks

The Party Starts...

Tips for Keeping it Smooth

• If it gets slow, mix up a bunch of shooters, throw them on a tray, and walk it around. Some people are intimidated by bartenders, this helps break the ice. Toasts are fun, too.
• If a guest asks for a type of drink that you do not know EXACTLY how to make, suggest a similar drink. Chances are, your guests will not have knowledge of mixed drinks past Long Island Iced Tea and Fuzzy Navels, so you are in the clear. But some smartass always asks for "a '57 T-Bird with Texas Plates." Of course, that one's easy... Dark Rum, Sloe Gin, Orange Liqueur, grapefruit juice, shaken, in a shooter. B.S. your way around it if you have to, but make it a point to learn that recipe you don't know, the '57 T-Bird is a good example!
• If you have to, keep a consise listing of drinks to remind you. A small spiral notebook, or even a Rolodex is perfect for this. Refer to it as needed, there is no shame in it!
• Use exact amounts in drinks. You are not doing anyone any favors by serving doubles. You will just run out of booze faster, and have twenty bucks in unused mixers if you do!
• I know this sounds lame, too... But start to close down your bar about 2 hours before you want to be outta there. Start Earlier if you have to. You can still serve, but go really easy on the booze if someone is already drunk. Use slight-of-hand if you have to. Push the heck out of drinks that use ingredients that you have a surplus of. This is also the best time to try out new drinks on the people who have taken it light.
• If you are being paid, you gotta spend the night there and help clean in the morning. It's part of the job, man, so get used to it. And it's a nice thing to do.

Wrapping it Up