Things to Spam
UPDATED 11/12/00
Welcome to a section devoted to those annoying emails called SPAM. Personally I can't stand spam's but some are really pretty damn cool and here in this section I am gonna post the best chain letters (SPAM's) that I ever saw. Take any of them that you want and send it to your friends or if you have a good one send it to me at buffdadde@home.com
Don't forget to mention my site in the spam.
Pick-Up Lines
1. Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first
thing that POPS up!!!
2. (motion for girl to come here with one finger), "If I can make you come
with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!"
3. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
4. If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
5. Fuck me if I'm wrong....but haven't we met before?
6. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
7. I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.
8. Are those real?
9. Hi my name's Fred Flintstone cuz I sure can make your bed rock.
10. (offer guy/girl a screw) wanna screw?
11. Ya know, that shirt is very becoming on you......of course, if I was on
you, I'd be cumming too.
12. The word of the day is LEGS, so let's go to my house and spread the
word.
13. The only place I want to go is south of the border.
14. Hey you want to know what I heard about you? Fuck me and I'll tell you.
15. Why don't you come over and we can do math in the bed; add the bed,
subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and I'll multiply.
16. What's a nice girl like you doing on a face like this?
17. Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
18. Mmmmmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible"
19. So, do you want to see something really swell?
20. Hi my name is "Gillette"......cause I'm the best
a man can get!
21. Hey baby.....can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
22. My shirt's chaffing me.....
23. Excuse me miss, do you give head to strangers? (No) Well, then, allow
me to introduce myself.
24. They call me Milk, because I do your body good.
25. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
26. Hey baby, wanna wrestle.
27. Hi, do you want to have children? (assuming the answer is no) Ok then,
can we just practice?
28. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
30. They say the best things in life are free.... they lied( but I do
accept American Express)
31. This Valentines Day, I really want you to know how I feel.....So you
better use both hands.
32. You can feel the magic between us......No, lower!
33. You're on my mind this Valentine's Day.....I'd prefer you on my bed.
34. This Valentine's Day I want you to know that I'm head-over-heels for
you....and I know some other positions too.
35. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for
that thing you do with your tongue.
36. You have 250 bones in your body, want another?
37. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we
could do it in public.
38. Hey baby, can i tickle your belly from the inside?
39. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
40. Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya.
41. Yo baby, I bust more nuts than a squirrel.
42. I'm bigger than a Snickers bar and far more satisfying.
43. Excuse me are your legs tired? Cuz you've been running through my mind all day.
44. Excuse me but are you alright? Cuz that fall must have really hurt. She will reply with "What fall" then you say When you feel from heaven cuz I swear I'm looking at an angel.
45. Hi the name's insert your name remember it cuz you'll be screaming it later.
46. Wow those are great clothes you have on, ya know what? Those clothes and my clothes woudl look great on my floor.
~~~~Scream 3 Starring...*NSYNC~~~~
Justin: Yello?
Scary Voice: Hello, Justin.
Justin: Um, who be dis?
Scary Voice: Well, you tell me.
Justin: I gots no ideas.
Scary Voice: Do you like scary movies?
Justin: Yeah g! I saw dat Backstreet Boys home video 20 times,
yo!
Scary Voice: That's not what I'm talking about you fucking
idiot! I mean HORROR movies! Like, "Halloween H20" or Friday the 13th,=94 or
something like that!
Justin: Ohhh! Nah, homes, I don't watch much shit like dat. At
least not without my mommy around ... hold up a minute, who da hell is dis?
I've gotta fly honey comin' over in a second, so I can't be wastin' my flava
on you!
Scary Voice: Her name wouldn't be.. Britney- would it?
Justin: HELLS NO! I wouldn't touch that skank if ya'll PAID me!
Scary Voice: Then who the hell do I have tied up on your patio?
Justin: WHAT?!
Justin: Yo- it's abouts time someone did that!
Scary Voice: We're going to play a little game, Justin. If you
answer the question right, Britney lives. If you get it wrong, then I kill her
and leave her body in your Benz.
Justin: My Benz! Oh my God, da blood would never come out of
the upholstery! [Justin starts to cry.] Okay, okay! I'll play yo' game, g!
Scary Voice: First question ... name the other members of
NSYNC in 10 seconds or less.
Justin: [Pausing] Uhh, well ... um, there's JC, ...
what's-his-face Chris!... uh, there's one named Lance, right? Okay, dats four ...
Scary Voice: Times up! Say bye-bye to Britney!
Scary Voice: Now, Justin. On to Round Two ... what color are
you?
Justin: What?
Scary Voice: You heard me, what COLOR are you?!
Scary Voice: Are you BLACK or WHITE, Justin?
Justin: [finally, after a hesitation, he answers...] Yo, is dis
a trick question?
Scary Voice: Wrong Answer, Justin!
Justin (dying): Joey! ...Dats..who da other..one...is!
Lance (hanging up the phone): Hey, you guys, I got some bad
news. Somebody killed Justin last night.
Chris: WHAT?!
JC: Oh my God! Justin's dead?! Without Justin, we're ruined!
Who else can even get 8-year-olds sexually aroused but him? Certainly not any of
us.
Joey: Hey, when are we eating?
Chris: Is that all you can think about? My BEST FRIEND is dead!
He was the only one who ever laughed at my jokes! I'm screwed!
Lance: Hey, on the plus side, somebody killed Britney too.
JC: Well, I guess every cloud does have its silver lining.
Lou: Boys, I'm sure you've heard the terrible news. I'm
probably losing thousands of dollars as we speak. Anyway, to be on the safe
side, I'm imposing a curfew on you. You must all be indoors by 9 o' clock.
Chris: What a fat piece of shit.
Joey (looking up from a bag of chips): Huh?
Chris: No, not you Joey. I was talking about Lou.
Joey: Oh.
JC: So what are we going to do?
Lance: Well, if we have to be in by nine, why don't we invite
all of our friends over so we won't be lonely?
JC: Yeah, but Lance, you don't have any friends.
Lance: Oh yeah. Okay, why don't we just all get wasted and make
funof Joey instead?
JC and Chris: Okay!
Chris: Hey, can somebody get me another beer?
Lance: Yeah, me too.
JC: Me three.
Joey: How come I'm always the one who has to get the beer?
JC: What else are you good for?
Lance: Hey Joey, I think there's a coke in the garage.
Joey: Coke?
Lance (nodding): Yeah, a Superman-shaped one. You can have it
if you get us more beer.
Joey: SUPERMAN-SHAPED!! Oh my, God, I think I just had an
orgasm!
JC: That was more than I needed to know.
Joey: Hey, I don't see any coke! But Lance wouldn't LIE to me!
I've shared too much of myself with him to do that!
Joey: What the hell?
Joey: Well, this is...awkward.
JC (returning from the bathroom, YES, contrary to teenybopper
belief,
NSYNC DOES use the bathroom)! : Hey guys, what's taking Joey so long?
Chris: Who cares? He's gone. Lets enjoy the moment.
JC: Well, I'm going to check on him.
JC (panicking): You guys! Joey's dead! I saw his body hanging
...
(trailing off) Uh, guys, why are you SMILING like that?
Lance: What's not to smile about? Justin's dead, Joey's dead,
and soon you'll be dead. (Lance raises a bloody knife and slowly advances
towards JC.) You like my knife? It's an antique. As BOP reported, I really do
collect them. But you already knew that, didn't you, JC? That's because you
know everything, don't you?
JC: Chris! Help me out here!
Chris: Help? HELP? Why? So you can steal more of my solos
later? I don't think so.
JC: Why? Why would you do something like this?
Lance: Why? 'Cause I'm from MISSI-FUCKING-SSIPPI, THAT'S WHY!
Or how about this? Lets see, how you would feel if people constantly told you
that you couldn't dance, that you were really a girl, and that you were
having sex with JOEY?! You would want to kill people too!
JC: You've got a point ... but Lance, all those things are
true.
Lance: Shut the fuck up!
JC: Chris? What about you, what's YOUR motive, huh?
Chris: My motive? I'm a 27 year old virgin (not really, but
whatever)with dreadlocks, and the only people who see me as a sexual being are
under the age of fourteen. Plus, I'm the CRAZY one of the group! It comes
with the territory!
JC: Fair enough.
Lance: But you haven't even seen the best part. (Lance snaps
his fingers.) Chris! Bring the surprise!
JC: Oh my God! You've kidnapped Nick Carter!
Lance: Picture this: Nick relizes that he is not the number one
sex symbol in America anymore because of a certain JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. He
snaps, and goes on a killing spree. He kills all the members of NSYNC, except,
of course, me and Chris.
Chris: Being the stupid fuck that he is, he forgets that we're
in the group ... actually, most people tend to forget that.
Lance: Then, the reality of what he's done hits him, and he
kills himself. It's perfect!
JC: Yeah, except ... hey, what's Topanga doing here?
Lance: Wow, he finally did something funny.
JC: I'll say.
Nick: Oh, JC! Your my hero!
JC: Dude, get the fuck off me. (JC brushes himself off.) Hey, now I
can finally have a solo career! What a great ending! I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
.,.,.,.,.THE END.,.,.,.,
THINGS TO DO AT A MOVIE!
What I did when I saw Scream 3 was at the end of the movie I put on the costum the killer wore mask all and ran around the place before the credits began to run and scared the sh*t out of everyone---Chris Spirito
1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Start wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some
Juiji Fruits for you asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
8. Whenever the badguy is doing something devoius, say, " Watch out!"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny
jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is flooding.
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while
smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm
Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.
14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible
friend already is.
16. Yell outloud, "Stop molesting me!"
17. Gently, very softly, place a single pooped kernel of corn on the
head of the person in front of you.
18. Scream out, "Hey, this isn't Bambi!"
19. Stare at the person sitting across the aisle from you, then
quickley look back at the screen when they notice, then stare at them
again when they turn back to the screen.
20. See if you can get a moistened Jujy Fruit to stick to the screen.
21. Yell to the projectionist, "Can you pause it? I gotta pee!"
Naughty Chain Letter
Read this and don't skip any part of it
THE RANGE
OF
8
INCHES
LONG.
THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH
IS ENJOYED
BY
MEMBERS
OF
BOTH
SEXES.
IS
USUALLY FOUND HUNG,
DANGLING
LOOSELY,
READY
FOR
INSTANT
ACTION.
IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF
LITTLE
HAIRY
THINGS
AT
END
AND
SMALL
IN USE,
IT IS
INSERTED,
ALMOST
ALWAYS WILLING,
SOMETIMES SLOWLY,
SOMETIMES QUICKLY,
INTO
A
WARM, FLESHY
MOIST OPENING WHERE
IT
IS
THRUST
IN
AND
DRAWN OUT
AGAIN
AND AGAIN
MANY TIMES IN
SUCCESSION,
OFTEN
QUICKLY
AND
ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING
BODILY
MOVEMENTS.
ANYONE
FOUND
LISTENING IN
WILL MOST SURELY
RECOGNIZE
THE
RHYTHMIC,
PULSING SOUND,
RESULTING FROM THE
WELL
LUBRICATED
MOVEMENTS.
WHEN
FINALLY WITHDRAWN,
IT LEAVES BEHIND
A
JUICY,
FROTHY,
STICKY WHITE
SUBSTANCE,
SOME OF WHICH WILL
NEED
CLEANING
FROM
THE
OUTER SURFACE
OF THE OPENING AND
SOME
OF
FROM
ITS
LONG
GLISTENING SHAFT.
AFTER EVERYTHING IS
DONE
AND
THE
FLOWING
AND
CLEANSING
LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED
EMANATING,
IT
IS
RETURNED
TO
ITS
FREELY
HANGING STATE OF REST,
READY
FOR
YET
ANOTHER
BIT
OF
ACTION,
HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS
BRISTLING
CLIMAX
TWICE
OR
THREE
TIMES A
DAY,
BUT OFTEN
MUCH LESS.
WHAT AM I?!?!?!?
AS YOU
MAY
HAVE
ALREADY
GUESSED,
THE
ANSWER
TO
THE
RIDDLE
IS
NONE OTHER
THAN
YOUR VERY
OWN. . . . .
TOOTHBRUSH. . . . .
what were you
thinking?
A Test To See If You Are Ready For The Working World
This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not
you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE
ANSWERS. There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that
difficult. You just need to think like a professional.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe
and close the door.
This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in
a complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and
close the door.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator remove the giraffe and put
in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your
foresight.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the
animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the
refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive
thinking.
OK, if you did not have the last three questions correctly, this
one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a
professional.
4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross
it?
Correct answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are
attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning
ability.
So......
If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a
true professional. Wealth and success await you.
If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to
do but there's hope for you.
If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger
flipper in a fast food joint.
If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs.
It's the only way you will ever make any money.
If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not
require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or
politics.
The New Ten Commandments
1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)
2)thou shall not drink and do drugz (you can break this one, it not that important)
3)thou shall not steel from k-mart. (walmart has a bigger selection)
4)thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger effect)
5)thou shall not steel from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has more money)
6)thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
7)thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
8)thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)
9)thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike sayz just do it)
10)thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them in the middle)
THINGS TO PONDER
1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
4. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
5. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
6. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
8. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
10. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
11. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
12. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
13. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
14. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
15. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
16. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
17. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
18. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
19. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
20. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
21. Why if the number 2 pencil is the most popular and common used why is it still number 2?
22. Why if the only thing that survives a plane crash is the black box that they don't make the plane out of what they make the black box?
23. Why do they call a driveway a driveway when you drive on it? And why do they call a parkway a parkway when you drive on it?
23. Why if 7-11 is open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day do they need locks on the doors?
24. Why do they call a face cloth a face cloth when you use it on your body?
Rules That Girls Should Know
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = 3D Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. Don't ever ask, "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and your dad's way past idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done but not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
Reasons Guys are Cool
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Guys can open all their own jars.
3. Guys can go to the bathroom without a support group.
4. Guys can kill their own food.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. Guys can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
7. Guys can quietly watch a game with their buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
8. Same work...more pay.
9. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
10. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, they just might become lifelong friends.
11. Guy's pals can be trusted never to trap them with. "So, notice anything different?"
12. Guys are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
13. Guys don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
14. Guys almost never have strap problems in public.
15. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
16. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
17. A guy's belly usually hides their big hips.
18. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
19. Guy's underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
20. Guys know stuff about tanks.
21. Car mechanics tell guys the truth.
22. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
23. If someone forgets to invite a guy to something, he or she can still be their friend.
24. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
25. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Thing you will never hear a woman say
1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
2. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!
3. This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
4. Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot
5. Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.
6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?
7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter, Tracy.
8. You're my daddy, you're my daddy!
9. The new girl in my office used to be a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
12. Bar food again!? Kick ass!
13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.
14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am, Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines Day present, thanks "Poopy".
17. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
18. I've decided to buy myself a boob job, How big do you want 'em?
19. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
20. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!
21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
22. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars, scotch and morning breath. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
24. You are so much smarter than my father.
25. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.
If men ruled the world...
1. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
3. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
4. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
5. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
6. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
7. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
8. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
9. Garbage would take itself out.
10. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps".
11. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!".
12. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
13. St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month.
14. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
15. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
16. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
17. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Break-Up Lines
- My Favorite is "Let's just be friends!"
- "Could you please remove your close from the closet? They
are much to large for my new girl friend."
- It's not you, it's me.
- I just don't love you the way I used too!
- There will always be a special place in my heart for you.
- Hey baby, welcome to dumpville. Population, you.
- I'd rather date an open grave.
- You and your mom are so much alike....in bed
- It is for the best...at least thats what my shrink said!
- Here you have a dildo...so you wont miss me so much...
- I've found my self...and I like what I found...so I dont need you any
more.
- You smell bad, your hair is ugly...you have pimpels and I do really hate
you, but thank you for the sex!
- So what we had some sex, so what? You enjoyed it more than me!
- Sorry, You remind me to much of my ex!
- Sorry, You remind me to much of Hillary!
- I really need to spend more time with my computer.
- THE BEST - "I'm Gay!"
YOU PROBABLY FLUNKED SEX EDUCATION IF YOU THINK...
- A clitoris is a type of flower.
- A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
- "Spread eagle" is an extinct bird.
- Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack.
- A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
- A G-string is part of a fiddle.
- Semen is a term for sailors.
- Anus is a Latin term for sailors.
- Testicles are found on an octopus.
- Asphalt describes rectal problems.
- KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
- Masturbate is a lure used to catch large fish.
- Coitus is a musical instrument.
- Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
- An umbilical chord is part of a parachute.
- A condom is a large apartment complex.
- An orgasm is a musician who accompanies a church choir.
- A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
- A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
- An erection is when Japanese people vote.
- A lesbian is a person from the Middle East
- Sodomy is a special variety of fast growing grass.
- Pornography is the business of making records.
- Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
- Douche is the French word for "two."
Women's English:
- Yes = No
- No = Yes
- Maybe = No
- I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
- We need = I want
- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
- We need to talk = I need to complain
- Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like.
- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
TV.
- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
- You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him, dipwad.
The answer to "What's wrong?":
- The same old thing = Nothing
- Nothing =Everything
- Everything = My PMS is acting up
- Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole
Men's English:
- "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
- "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
- "I'm tired." = I'm tired.
- "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
- "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
- "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
- "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
- "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
- "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
- "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of
this.
- "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?
- "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
- "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
- "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
- "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
- "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
- "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that
much different!
- "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
- "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys.
- (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress
and let's go home!
- "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am
gay.
______________________________________________________
What The Perfect Woman Would Say...
- I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
- Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
- I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
- Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of
beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!
- God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
- I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
- You're so sexy when you're hung over.
- I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
- Let's subscribe to Hustler.
- Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
- Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
- I'll be out painting the house.
- I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had
time to play on Saturday too.
- Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
- I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
- No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
- Your mother did a great job raising you.
- Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy
yourself new clubs.
- I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for
Christ's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress
reliever.
- Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
- Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new
strip joint!
- Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you
retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
- You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the
night feedings.
- That was a great fart! Do another one!
- I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head
for ya
- I'm finished, so whenever you're done...
_____________________________________________________
Men's Rules for Women
- It is only common courtesy that women should leave the seat on
the toilet UP when they are done.
- If a woman is cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to
include something from each of the four major male food groups:
Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
- A man should never be obligated to hold a woman's purse in the mall.
- Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of
the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men
are cretins deserving a woman's contempt.
- Shopping is not fascinating.
- When a man asks for a threesome with a woman and her best friend,
he is only joking.
- Unless the answer is yes.
- In which case, can he videotape it?
- If a woman REALLY wants a nice guy, stop dating good-looking
assholes.
- The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a
stick and/or tending the grill.
- Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from
across the room is not funny.
- Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
- Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble
(ie microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with
roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon
their infant when it walks for the first time.
- Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Once all
women accept it, the better off they will be.
- He heard you the first time.
- You know, women can ask men out too... Let's spread the
rejection around a little.
- If women truly want honesty, don't shouldn't ask questions they don't
really want the answer to.
- Of COURSE he wants another beer.
- The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
- Dogs good. Cats bad.
- Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
- If a man has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", a woman should have
to sit through "Showgirls".
- "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
- Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by
suggesting he stop for directions.
- He was not looking at that other girl.
- Well, okay... maybe a little.
- Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you
never looked at another guy...
- There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "hooter".
- He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful
man you have ever met.
- And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
- A woman should never ask a man if she looks fat or if her butt
looks big, because the answer is always "YES, goddamnit, so stop
asking"...
- If a woman wants a satisfying sex life, she should NEVER fake an
orgasm.
- PMS is not an acceptable topic of conversation with a man. "I don't
care if I would appreciate what you go through if I had to
experience menstral cramps.."
- Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo
if left in the shower.
- Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Swallow it. Love it.
- Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells
fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless the
intent is to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this
manner.
- Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier
than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is
better looking than him. But since neither one of us is going to
be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
- Of course size matters.
- Don't hog the covers.
- A man does not just want to be friends.
- A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the
sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner
and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"
- Women will never understand male bonding.
- Whenever the man changes clothes, where they fall is where God willed
them to be.
- When watching television, the man has supreme control of the remote,
and any other remotes to any other item in or out of the house.
- While watching sports the man is not to be interrupted unless food or
beer is involved.
- Sex is only appropriate during commercials.
- When a man has a day off he is to be pampered like the woman is when
she is pregnant.
- If a man suspects a woman a woman knows these rules, just laugh it
off and agree with her (she has no clue, it is some kind of trick)
- It is to be assumed at all times that women are plotting against our
manhood.
- MEN ARE KING, AND SHOULD BE ADDRESSED AS SUCH.