Step 1
WE ADMITTED that we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
Who wants to admit defeat? Who is ready to surrender? I would say any alcoholic who wants to stop drinking and throwing their life away. That is the point I had reached. All I know is that one day, after months of crying and drinking at home alone, I couldn't go on!
I was no longer the party girl I had been. I didn't care to get dressed and go out with the "in" people. I didn't want to be with anyone - except my little boy, of course, and he had been taken from me - by a father who did it because he was selfish and possessive of his only child.
Of course I was filled with resentment and anger. I had planned, day in and day out, of the various ways that I would "get even" with my ex-husband - all of my ex's! There had certainly been enough of them! I was only 25, and I had been married and divorced so many times, starting at age 18! And, I knew nothing about marriage or relationships. I only know I I was miserable without someone, and I was miserable when I married them!
At this time, I had a lovely apartment in Miami Beach, with a view of the bay - the only thing I thought about, was that it would be a great idea to go jump in and drown myself! After all, my father had drowned in Biscayne Bay. I thought I'd just follow him. He drank a lot too. So did my mother, and my brother. But I was different, I could "hold my whiskey". I was very proud of that for a lot of years. I could drink all evening, and still drive everyone else home!
Now it was different. I wondered when I had stopped using a martini glass? I was drinking Vodka martinis, and now I seem to just be drinking from the bottle. Well, it seemed so silly, all that stirring with vermouth, and looking for an olive. This was much better. Yes, this was better - and no one could see me. That's why I was staying in the apartment, I told myself. It was just easier this way.
I learned, much later, that I had tried to jump into the bay, but mom was staying with me, and she would follow me down and stop me! Now why did she do that? I had absolutely nothing to live for! I had had all the things a girl could want - beautiful clothes and jewels, minks, travel, going to the best parties, where a Governor or Senator would show up. I was a celebrity I assured myself. And then I seemed to remember that my husbands were the celebrities, but it was close. After all, I was the other half, the little woman! That should count for something. Then I remembered, with bitterness, the divorces, the custody battles in Court. I remember when I had to testify at that one. I took some "uppers" before I went, so I would be very alert!
Drugs turned on me, the way alcohol had. All of a sudden, I couldn't hold my booze! So, what was the point in going on? The uppers I'd taken made me so confused if I was supposed to say "yes", I'd say "no", and vice versa!
One day my mom left her lady friend to stay and watch me. I told her I was lost, and that I couldn't even ask God for help, because He had obviously quit helping me. Then she said, "BJ, did you know you can demand things of God?" "It's in the Bible". So, I thought, that sounds good. I decided I could do that! I could demand that He help me. I had come to the end. I had no where to go. So what, if He didn't hear me. Here goes: "God, you've got to send someone to help me. My feet are so heavy and I can't lift them up. I can't go on. You've got to help me!"
The very next day, a good looking, well dressed young man knocked on my door. He told me mom had sent him to pick me up, and bring me to see her. In the car, he told me he was a recovering alcoholic, and that he hadn't had a drink in six months! Of course I knew he was lying, since no one could go that long without a drink!
In the weeks that followed, he took me to many AA meetings. They kept saying "you don't drink, just for today". So I said to myself, ok, self, do that, and just double up on the sleeping pills. So I took sleeping pills day and night. No one, I was sure, would know!
Later, I was to hear stories of what I was like back then.....how I'd stagger into the AA meetings, saying I had not drank today. They would smile and they accepted me. I felt love so strong and so sure. It seemed to be everywhere. And their eyes! They were so clear! And, I decided if my eyes could ever be that clear again, I'd be willing to do anything!
When I came to that decision, my point of surrender, I asked for help in stopping the pills. I had overdosed a couple of times, been in ER, where doctors told me off, and called me names, and said I was trying to kill myself. I tried to tell them that that was before. Not now. Now I wanted to live and go to AA. But even someone as sick and messed up as I was, had to finally decide that I wasn't really sober, until I got off the sleeping pills.
Since there were no treatment centers in 1969, I was admitted to a sanitarium, where I finally kicked all of it. I had the d.t.'s, I saw bugs everywhere, and there were airplanes flying around in my room!
When I got out, the world was too real for me. I had never seen such brightness! The sun, the various bright colors! I had numbed my senses for so long, it was quite an adjustment to make!
But I made it! I stayed in the AA clubroom, and I talked to other alcoholics. I looked at the Steps on the wall. And, I knew, finally, that I had admitted and accepted the fact that I was indeed an alcoholic, and had been since I was in my teens! What a shock. That was only the beginning. The First Step is what gets us in the door of Alcoholics Anonymous!
