Learning How to Smile
Entry #10
February 16, 2001
This morning I was geared up to tell the guys whatever it was that I said I was going to tell them...but I couldn't remember what it was. Short-term memory loss, here I come. Just another one of the many perks of being HIV positive. I couldn't even remember what I was bitching about...I just remember bitching. I went back and listened to yesterday's entry and got extremely pissed off. Why would I ever say half the stuff that I did? I love doing what I do. I love touring, I love doing interviews. Anyway, today I talked to Brian and he wants me to hang out with him tonight. I guess I'll go, but I have a really bad feeling about it. Something is telling me not to go, but I mean Brian's my best friend, I can't just tell him to screw himself, ya know? So, I'll go...I just have to call him and find out what time he wants me there. I think he told me, but I'm not sure. I broke down on the phone with Dave last night and opened up to him. We both cried to each other. He understands now why we can't be together in public. That's something that I don't regret bitching about...I really do think it's sad that homosexuailty is still frowned upon. He was telling me last night that I should come out to the world. He said that while a lot of people might stop liking me, other guys who are going through the same thing may realize that it's not gross. When it's put that way, I totally agree that I should tell people, but hell, if I can't bring myself to tell Brian, then how in the hell am I going to be able to tell the nation? I'm not. Anyway, I'm supposed to go to the HIV counselor again tomorrow, so I'm gonna see if I can just crash at Brian's for the night so I don't have to keep driving back and forth. Gas is expensive these days! I hope whatever it is he wants me at his house for isn't bad. I don't think I can deal with being screamed at right now. I guess I'd better go call Brian, so I'm gonna go. Peace.
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