Learning How to Smile
Entry #14
February 26, 2001-
You'll never guess who was at my door yesteday. No, not Brian...it was his brother, Harold. Strange, huh? He wanted to talk to me and make sure I was okay since Brian wasn't being the best friend he should be. We talked and he told me he was in town for the week and Brian had told him what happened and he also wanted to apologize for him. I told him not to bother. Anyway, I introduced him to Dave and they seemed to get along great. He said he's been trying to knock some sense into his brother, but he said, and I quote "you know how Brian is. He's so stubborn that he'd rather shoot himself in the leg then admit he was wrong." He says he knows he was wrong but he doesn't know what to do about it. I feel kind of bad for him from the perspective that he is--was my best friend, but then the other part of me is like "yeah, best friend who betrayed you." I don't know what I'm gonna do about him yet. Harold said to just give him time. So, anyway the Children's Hospital thing was a blast! Howie didn't really say much to me, but what he did say meant the world. He said, "Nick, I can't say that I understand it and I can't say that I'm okay with it, but you're like a little brother to me and I support you in whatever you do." I love my friends. As for Brian...well, we didn't talk at all. Not even so much as a "hey" or a wave even. I'm not even sure he looked at me the whole time. I hate fighting with people, but this is bigger then "you stole my shirt, asshole." There's no way things will ever be how they used to be. Oh and guess what else, as if I needed more drama in my life, I met a girl. I know, I know...you're probably like "for the love of God make up your mind!" but...argh...I don't even know how to express it. She worked at the Children's Hospital as a volunteer and she was just awesome. There's no other way to describe it. Her name's Lilly and she's just so cool. Whether or not I like her like...you know...want her to bear my children or not is still up in the air, but she's definitely someone I plan on hanging out with. Besides, I think she might be a lesbian, but I'm not sure so don't quote me on that. Cause we were talking about dating and stuff and she said she's been seeing this special person for about a month and half...she never really specified if it was a guy or girl...but then again neither did I. I've decided that I don't want to feel tied down by Dave, and I told him that. I want these last few years to be as fun as possible and I don't want to be pressured by him or Lilly or anyone else who might come along. Whether I meant it or not, I'm not so sure. I think I'm in love with him...I don't know. Ahhh things are so fucked up right now it's just flat out annoying. I think maybe I need to get laid. I know that sounds bad considering my current state, but I haven't had sex in like...a month now...and that's a long time for me. Maybe I'll go out tonight and find someone. No, I can't...I'd just be pushed back into that lifestyle and I don't want that. I know for a fact that I don't want that. I'm pretty sure I don't want.......no, I'm sure I don't. Oh well, I'd better go anyway. I should call Dave...or Lilly...No, I think I'll fly solo tonight. Maybe I'll call AJ. I haven't hung out with him in a while. Yeah, that's what I need...a night out. Peace.
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