Learning How to Smile
Entry #8
February 10, 2001-
Have I mentioned how much I like that kid? He's so awesome it's not even funny. He came with me back and forth to Orlando. (he had to visit the AIDS and HIV specialist as well.) I think Brian knows that I like him. Why? Well I think he saw me holding his hand one day when we were at his house. See, the three of us were chillin in Brian's living room, talking and stuff, and then Brian had to run to get the phone and since Dave and I rarely have time alone anymore, I grabbed his hand and rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb...it was just one of those stupid caring gestures that always happen between two people...usually when there's more then friendship involved. Anyway, I didn't hear Brian coming back in the room, so I didn't pull my hand away in time. I think he saw me jerk my hand out of Dave's when he began talking again. He hasn't said anything to me about it, but I'm really nervous. I don't know why...I know that Brian and I will be friends no matter what...or at least I hope so. I know his religion causes him to be somewhat close-minded to this sort of thing so hopefully he can look past it and realize that I'm still Nick no matter if I'm with Dave, or Mandy, or a friggen horse. I'm living proof that you can't help who you fall in love with. It would be so much easier of Dave was a girl...there would be none of this sneaking around BS anymore and none of this fear that I have all the time. I don't think Dave understands why we can't hold hands in public or around my friends...I think he may even be hurt by it, but he needs to realize that I'm not ready for the world to know, and that's exactly what will happen if we're affectionate in public...the world will find out in a matter of point 2 seconds. I'm sure Brian understands that you don't choose who you have feelings for...I mean, I'm sure when he first met Leighanne he wasn't exactly thrilled that she was 6 years older then him...it had to be somewhat awkward, but he knows that love sees no age...just as it has no other boundaries including nationality, race, and even gender. I read this really dead on quote not too long ago. "The heart sees what the eyes cannot." So so true. Brian's birthday's coming up soon and there's already talk about what we're gonna do for him. He's gonna be 26. Is it just me or does 26 sound incredibly old? I guess it doesn't make any sense for me to think that since I'm only 5 years younger then him, but damn, I remember Kevin being 26 when I was 17 or 18. That seems so old to me still. I guess I just don't feel 21...if there's even some certain way you're supposed to feel. I still feel like the loser I've always been and always will be. I really don't see why people think I'm so cool...I mean, I can't blame them cause I do kick ass in every aspect...haha just playin...It still just blows my mind that all these people think I'm so cool and they don't even know me! I don't really think Dave has grasped it yet...but he will since we're supposed to start doing some more promotional stuff soon since I can't go on tour for a few more months. Management's calling up every television show known to man trying to get us on so we can get some publicity. I don't think I'm ready to talk about the current state of my health, so I guess I'll just act like everything's cool. I think I have to get used to the whole jist of it before people besides my family and close friends know. I'd rather not have to see "Backstreet Boy becomes AIDS victim at 21" on the cover of every magazine when I go into a grocery store. Something tells me that would cause me to loose my appetite and I need to keep up this "healthy" diet I'm supposed to be on. Truth is, I haven't started yet. It's hard to change your eating habits after 21 years! I plan to do it soon, though, cause I know I have to if I want to live to be as old as Kevin. I told Dave about this audio journal thing and he's really interested in it. Eventually I'm going to let him listen to all 4 million tapes, but for now I think I'd like to keep this to myself. I don't know what I'd do if these things ever got stolen...damn, that would suck. Every little though I've had in my life would be open for public mockery. I think I'm paranoid...or maybe I'm just psycho. Oh well. Peace.
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