"I can't believe it's the first concert and I don't get to participate in it!!!!" I whined. "That's sooo not fair you guys!" AJ turned his chair around and looked over his sunglasses at me.
"Gilli! Shut up! You have to get better so you can do the rest of the tour!" he cried. I had been complaining for awhile and began to make them sick of it.
"Sweetie, it's better that you stay off it. You know that! It is going to be really weird without you on stage, ya know, but you should feel lucky that Fatima has offered to take your place! We want you to be back onstage with us as soon as possible. That's why we won't let you dance," Howie explained. He kissed my head. I smiled at him.
"Hey is someone not happy?" Kevin asked, walking into the dressing room. He walked over and put his arm loosely around my shoulders. "You just have to get better Steph. You can watch us from the side stage okay? I promise." I gave him a hug. Kevin always had a way of making things better.
AJ was playing with his hair again. It was aqua/bright blue. Then he couldn't decide which sunglasses to wear. I swear he went through, like, 20 before he found the ones he liked. Then it came to the hats. He couldn't decide which hat he wanted. This was a routine for him.
Howie was slicking back his hair into its tight ponytail and checking his make-up. Kevin joined him and made sure he looked okay. I removed myself from the stool I was on and made my way to the couch. There, I put my recouperating left leg up and stretched out the muscles. Just then, Brian walked in, Nicky following him.
"Hey Nicky come here!" I called. Nick walked over to me. I fingered for him to lean closer. When he did, I wiped his cheek with my thumb. "Got a little lipstick on ya." He blushed.
"So that's why you wouldn't stop laughing and refused to tell me why!" Nick exclaimed, looking at Brock, who was cracking up.
"Aw come on Nicky, ya know I love ya!" Bri said between giggles. Nick rolled his eyes and went to fix his hair in the mirror. Brian searched through the rack of clothes in the corner until he found the shirt he wanted to wear.
"The girls are starting to pile up out in the back. We gotta be out there in a few minutes to do the whole meet and greet thing," Nick told them. "That's what 'Manda said, so hurry up and we can fight the crowd together." He found a cap lying on the table and stuck it on his head, then brushed the stray hairs away from his eyes. AJ took one last look at his hair, found a pair of sunglasses (ditching the hat. His hair was too perfect to hide NOW), and headed towards the door. Howie followed him. Kev stooped down to take a look at himself and ran his fingers through his hair before Brian grabbed his arm and pulled him away. They trailed out the door, shutting it behind them. In the distance, I could hear faint screams.
"Stephanie? You busy?" Fatima asked, poking her head through the door. I smiled at her.
"No, come on in Fatima. I'm just sitting here, stretching out my muscle," I explained. Fatima pulled up the stool and sat before me.
"You don't mind my taking your place for awhile do you?" she wanted to know.
"Well, you know I'd rather be out there myself, but I can't because if the muscle isn't fully restored, I could pull it," I sighed.
"Girl, it sure is different without you dancing. You're so energetic and your liveliness is missed at rehearsals!" Fatima cried. I chuckled.
"I miss dancing like crazy," I confessed. "Can't wait to start dancing like a freak again. I practice, to build the muscle back up and remember the dances, but I miss the stage shows and the adrenaline rushes!"
"Hey Steph! Hey Fatima!" Emily popped into the dressing room. She plopped down on the couch beside me. "How you guys doin?" I could tell she was totally stoked about her first concert backstage.
"Could be better if I was with Niki, Tae, Nef, Kristin, Reggie, Emo, Swoop, Sleepy, and Ro Ro, warming up. But other than that, okay I guess," I sorta whined. Em rested her head on my shoulder.
"You'll be okay. You can give us a tour of everything backstage and we could all watch our boys together!" she tried to cheer me up. I smiled at her.
"Speaking of which, I better get going and warm myself up with the rest of them. I don't want to pull a muscle while dancing out there! See ya!" Fatima suddenly cried, leaving the dressing room.
"How long will the boys be gone?" Emily asked me.
"They're usually out there for a half hour before the show, so they'll be back in in about twenty minutes," I said, looking at my watch.
"Man. This place is a pig sty!" We looked up. Amanda had come in.
"Hey Manda. They are always like this. If it weren't for me, their bus would look like Taz lives in it," I exclaimed, moving over so she could sit down. "Where's Amy?"
"She's somewhere. I think she's talking to Denise outside. If she knows what's good for her, she'll be in soon--" 'Manda informed us, right as Amy walked in. "Hey girl. We were just talking about you!"
"Really?" Amy replied.
"Yeah. Nicky came into the room earlier with lipstick on his cheek. I embarrassed him bad when I took it off," I said.
"Really? That wasn't from me!" she cried
"Honest! A fan came running down the hall while Bri, Manda, Nick, and I were talking and laid a big one on him. She flew into hysterics, then a bodyguard came and drug her away." The four of us girls laughed. Just then, Kev walked in. He was on his cell phone. We all turned our heads to look up at him.
"Oh. I found all the girls. Girls, wanna say hi to Dani?" Kevin asked us. We all yelled hi to our missing Family member.
"Yeah. I gotta go. The concert's going to be starting in about twenty minutes so we gotta finish getting ready. I just managed to edge my way out of the meet and greet. Yeah. Thanks. I'll tell the others good luck for you. Okay. Bye!" He hung up and noticed that all of our eyes were on him. "Oh guys, we gotta get dressed and ready, so would you be able to leave the room to us? Steph can show you to the cafeteria. Thanks."
I got up and led everyone out of the dressing room right as the rest of the clan was walking back in. Nick looked like he had just been horded and Brian was pumped up as ever. AJ was almost moody, while Howie was as perky as I always am. This was what usually happened, but Amy and Emily almost freaked out because they didn't know their boyfriends to be that way. Every girl wrapped her arms around her boy before we parted for the cafeteria.
The cafeteria was more like a lounge with a kitchen. We plopped on the couches and turned on the TV. Not much was on. Total Request was on, but we didn't care too much for it because there were a whole bunch of psychotic girls screaming for *N SYNC's most recent video to be number one (which it was). After doing a lot of channel surfing, we just turned off the TV and sat around the lounge, talking. I couldn't stand not doing anything. It bugged me that I was just sitting there. I was doing something totally unfamiliar to me. It felt wrong for me to be sitting there when I could've been getting ready to go onstage and dance my little heart out.
"What's goin on in here?" J's voice travelled through the room. We all turned around. He walked towards us and stood near the couches without sitting down.
"You guys getting ready to go on?" I asked. He nodded his head yes and I got up to go out to the hallway. Then I stopped. "Aren't you girls coming too?" I looked at them. They were confused.
"What are you talking about??" Amanda wondered.
"Just come. You'll see," AJ replied, grabbing her hands and pulling her up from her spot on the ground. Emily and Amy got up and the three of them followed J and me out to the hallway, where the band, the boys, the dancers, Fatima, and Denise were in a circle. J and I found spots in the circle and joined hands with whomever was next to us. Amy, Emily, and Amanda, though confused, did the same thing. Everyone bowed their heads and closed their eyes, and Brian led us in a prayer for safety within the house tonight, among the fans and themselves. Then, suddenly someone called out the routine yell.
"BSB, what time is it?"
"It's tiiiiiiimmme to go to work now!" we all answered back.
"What kinda work?"
"Hard work, hoh!" we called, before the guys gave all of their girls hugs and kisses and made their way to the stage, where they would stand on these little elevators and be risen at the back of the stage. Then, the pyro would explode and they would turn around to face the audience.
Just then, we heard one huge roar. Then the music started. I walked the girls over to the side stage where they could watch their boys while they performed. I also reminded them to keep it clear because the boys had clothing changes and breaks and the dancers would be running back and forth. They seemed to be enjoying the show from the sidestage view, but I couldn't bear it. My passion was being held back because I couldn't land right! Amy saw my rather sullen expression and gave me a hug.
"Just a few shows Steph. Then you'll be out there again. Don't worry," she tried to cheer me up. I smiled weakly at her. I was just dying inside. I was also very near tears. I couldn't watch my friends have so much fun on stage when I was supposed to be up there with them. It was too tough. I walked back into the hallway and sat up against a wall, my arms pulling my knees into my chest. I rested my head on my knee and sighed heavily. Denise came up to me.
"Hey Steph. How do you feel?" she asked in a motherly tone.
"Out of place," I told her. She squatted down to look me in the eye.
"They miss you out there. AJ and I were talking about you not being on stage and he says it'll be really weird because you're such a comfort to them," Denise informed me. I smiled at her. "Now get happy and do something healthy instead of sulking around. If you don't want to watch them then go try out that new cue stick of yours on the pool table!" Denise got up, then helped me up. She and I walked over to the side stage and began to watch the boys perform.
I was fine for about five songs. Then, it got too hard and I just left and decided maybe it would be a good idea if I tried out my cue stick. I went out to the buses and grabbed it, then went into the lounge to shoot a few rounds of pool. It was not much of a comfort. At one point, tears rolled down my cheeks. I wiped them away and concentrated as hard as I could on the game.
An hour passed. Suddenly, Howie poked his head in the lounge.
"Gilli! Whatcha doin in here?" he yelled across the semi-large room.
"Playin' pool. It's not over yet, so what are you doing back here?" I wanted to know. D walked over to me.
"We're on a wardrobe change. I got changed as quick as I could and Denise told me you were back here so I ran over--what's wrong?" Howie explained, until he looked deep into my eyes and read the pain behind them. He didn't need to ask. He already knew. "Come on. Just watch us. It's a good feeling to know you're on the side, watching us. Pllleeeeeeaaaasseee Gilli?" I sighed.
"I guess I could." Right as I answered, Howie grabbed my arm and ran out of the lounge towards the stage with me trailing close behind. The other guys were already on stage and AJ was talking a bunch of crap.
Finally, he yelled out over the mic, "D! Get your butt out here!" Howie gave me a quick kiss and ran out on stage. The second he did, every person in the audience screamed in disappointed tones "HOWIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" I busted up.
"Nick told them to do that when D got on stage," Amy whispered to me. "If You Want It To Be Good Girl (Get Yourself a Bad Boy)" started and I saw the lights flash as the dancers started the dance I had helped choreograph. How could they make me watch this? I sighed to hold back the tears once more. Emily wrapped her arms around my shoulders and gave me a hug. I weakly smiled and let the tears fall. I couldn't stand it. So I leaned up against the wall and watched from behind everyone else, closing my eyes every so often to wipe away the leaks of salty tears. I kept them closed until the song ended, so I wouldn't have to watch 'Tima dance my part.
Suddenly, I felt someone tugging at my arm and pulling me towards the stage. It was Howie.
"How bout we have a hand for our favorite Backstreet Girl!" Kevin said over the microphone as D and I walked on stage, the spotlight shining on us. The girls screamed (surely only because he told them to) and I waved.
"Stephy's been our Dancer Girl for a year, but she's been behind us since we first started," Brian explained to the audience. "If it weren't for this little girl, we wouldn't have had the confidence to become big!" I shot my head over to Brock. What was that crap he was making up?
"Brock that is so not true!" I shouted. He looked at me and laughed.
"Gilli broke her leg before the tour started and right now she's recouperating from having it in a cast," Howie told them. I turned to walk back, but he held tight to my arm. "Hold it! Since Dancer Girl isn't supposed to be on stage, dancing, we're going to make her night and have her on stage while we sing her favorite song." D smiled at me. I gasped.
"Only, this time, we're not gunna be dancing," Nicky announced. Howie led me to a stool and I sat down. Then, those magical notes that somehow transformed my world were played. My grin brightened when I looked into Howie's smiling eyes. The rest of the guys came from wherever they were on the stage and stood around me. Nicky began to sing, while I lipped along with him, swaying along with the beat. I relaxed and let my hands rest on my knees while I looked into the faces of each of the boys. I couldn't believe they were doing this for me!!!!
"I don't care who you are, where you're from, what you did, as long as you love me. Who you are, where you're from, don't care what you did, as long as you love me," they all sang. J grabbed my hand and swung it with the music while they sang. I laughed.
"Every little thing that you have said and done, feels like it's deep within me! Doesn't really matter if you're on the run, seems like we're meant to beeee," Brian sang, accompanied by Kevy. The boys belted out the chorus once more. Then Brock began again, singing my favorite part. "I've tried to hide it so that no one knows, but I guess it shows, when you look into my eyes--" (D and I looked directly at each other with gigantic grins on our faces, because now those lyrics meant something in real life) "--what you did and where you're coming from, I don't care, as long as you love me baby." Then Nick dragged on his high note, remembering to bring it down to a lower key, the way I liked it. The boys finished singing the song and all gave me a huge hug. While I was thanking Kevin, he handed me his mic and they all ran backstage, leaving me to entertain the crowd for a few seconds.
"Hey what's up New York?" I yelled into the microphone, not sure of what else to say. They screamed. "Are you liking the concert?" I received a louder response. "Wanna know some dirty secrets about the guys that no one but I know about?" The house exploded.
"Okay. Hmmm...let me see...Nicky's hair was still somewhat longish. He went to bed one night...I think he was like 13 or 14...and he woke up the next morning and his hair was lying all over the pillow! Aaron was 5 I think and thought it would be funny to cut his brother's hair with the scissors he had found earlier that day!" I told them. The fans were split between gasping and laughing at the thought of Nick's beautiful blonde hair being parted from his body. "And AJ tried to dye his hair when they first made it big, but the color ended up all wrong and what was supposed to be orange turned out to be a bleached out, bright puke color!" Everyone cracked up at that. I laughed myself, remembering the day.
"Brian....hmmm...we were all playing basketball and Brian was sort of tired and sat down on a bench. Nicky got on his stomach and crawled underneath the bench and tied Brock's shoelaces together. Then, when the poor boy tried to get up and walk, he, like, tripped and fell flat on his face!" The audience rolled. I was careful to say only what I knew the boys wouldn't mind everyone hearing. "Howie....Howie Howie Howie...on his 21st birthday, Brian ran into his house and smacked him in the face with a cream pie while he was still sleeping. Then, he outlined his body on the sheets and stuck M&M's over his eyes and licorice over his mouth and a big pickle slice over his nose! D woke up and freaked out!" The girls busted up once more. "Let's see...Kevin...hmmm...what could I say about Kevin? Kevin is a pretty smart guy. I don't think there's really anything that I could tell you that would be absolutely okay with him to say to you guys....you all know about the times he accidentally tore a hole in his pants or when he's fallen off stage...lemme see...oh yeah! We were on the bus, trying to get some sleep in our bunks. We went over this huge bump and then I heard a LOUD thud. I got up and turned on the light. Kevin had rolled off his bunk!
The funniest part was that he was still asleep!" I cried. The fans gasped, then laughed.
"Hey! Gilli, what are you doing? Telling them horror stories about us?" I heard Brian's voice call from nowhere. He wasn't onstage, so I assumed he was on the side, listening to what I had to say. I busted up.
"Okay, I'll shut up now Bri," I told him, wherever he was. The light that shone on me dimmed and the audience screamed even louder. Then, I heard Kevin's voice.
"Baby, I know how you feel..." I almost grimaced once I recognized the song. AJ walked out, holding a rose, when his part started. He played with the rose, running it over my head and waving it back and forth in his hand. When Brian's part came, he walked over, holding a rose. When the chorus began, Nick, D, and Kev walked out with their roses, singing. Finally, Howie handed me his rose and gave me a wink, then kissed my hand. I smiled at him. While he was singing, Brian sauntered over to the sidestage and handed Amanda his rose. Not long after, Nick followed his actions, with J trailing not far behind. Kevin held on to his rose.
Then, the best mimicking-the-video part came and the boys all looked at me as I did what they did in the video, each one accompanying me in his own move.
"No way," (Nick and I waved our fingers like he did and thrust them to the left.) "no how," (D and I shook our fingers at each other.) "Iiiiiiii swear!" (Kevin and I held up our right arm, pointing up.) "No way," (Kev and I did that thing he did.) "No how," (Nick and I did the thing he did with his hands.) "Iiiiiiiiiiiii...." They carried that long 'I' and D and I got up and jumped in a circle like always. Then I sat back down while they finished singing, lip-synching to myself. I played around with the rose, waving it back and forth, rubbing it on the guys' arms and necks, annoying them. At one point, Kevin stopped his singing and sternly pointed his rose at me, with a serious look on his face. I busted up and he cracked a smile.
The song finished and I immediately got up. "You can't make me stay up here any longer!" I yelled at them over the screaming, and got up. Howie took my hand and walked me back to the sidestage.
"Say bye to Gilli everyone!" Brock shouted over the mic. When everyone in the audience screamed, "BYE GILLI!" AJ, Nick, and Kevin joined them on the microphones. I waved at the audience right before I had to duck into unseen territory. They finished the concert with my smiling face accompanying Amy's, Amanda's, and Emily's on the sidestage.
"So girls, think you can handle concert life like this from now on?" Kevin asked the three newcomers. The concert was over with and the guys were guzzling down huge bottles of water and wiping the sweat from their faces.
"It can be fun!" Emily told him. He chuckled. Nicky sat in the corner of the lounge, taking long blinks that indicated his tiredness. Amy sauntered over to her boyfriend and lay her head on his shoulder.
"Good job tonight, babe," she complimented. "Same goes for ALL OF YOU!" They smiled and thanked Amy. Howie yawned and I got up to massage his tired shoulders. I figured I owed it to him. Besides, we always gave each other back rubs during last year's tour so I was kinda used to it.
"Hey guys! You did a good job dancing tonight!" Fatima called, walking into the lounge. She rubbed Brock's back as she passed him.
"You were really good too Fatima. I think we can keep ya!" I said to my fill-in.
"I'm glad I'm worthy enough to take the now famous Dancer Girl's spot!" she joked. I paused from my massaging and gave Fatima a hug, disregarding the fact that she was sweating from the vigorous dancing.
"Ya know, I kinda miss Lisa. I wish she were here so we could play some hard core basketball. She was always the perfect challenge," Nick mumbled sleepily.
"Uh, Nick. Lisa's not here. Remember? She's back in Florida," Amy reminded him, softly.
"Maybe I'll give her a call tomorrow to see what's up," he continued, almost completely ignoring his girlfriend. "But right now, I need a shower. Excuse me while I get away from the stench of sweat." Nick lightly kissed Amy, yawned, got up, and walked out of the room. Amy heaved an annoyed sigh.
"All he does is talk about Lisa now," she complained. "Why does he always talk about her? She's only a basketball player and all he says is how much he misses playing basketball with her and misses talking basketball with her and misses watching basketball games with her. A few days ago, Nick was telling me he wanted to fly her somewhere to see a basketball game one day. I get soo annoyed by that!" We all listened intently to Amy.
"Well, I think this is the first time Nicky's really found a basketball buddy who lives for basketball the way he does. So he just kinda attached himself to her. They're just friends Amy. Don't worry," Kevin explained. Amy sighed again.
"I'm ready to go to bed, so I'm heading out to the bus. Anyone want to join me?" Amanda declared. She looked at Brian. "NO! You cannot come with me Brian!" she jokingly told him, laughing at his pathetically funny puppy dog face. 'Manda mussed up his hair, gave him a goodbye kiss, and walked out of the room. Amy and Emily soon followed her.
"Well guys, whaddya say we gather up some of the things in your dressing room?" I suggested. Kevin, Howie, and Brian lazily agreed. AJ was already sprawled out on the couch, fast asleep. His sunglasses were still on. The four of us left the sleeping boy and made our way down the hall to the dressing rooms.
"We make the biggest mess," Brian sighed sleepily, gazing at the room. Kevin went over to his corner and began cleaning up the stuff in it. I started organizing Bone's sunglasses. About halfway through the very first tour I spent with them (that was one of the Europe tours...in, like, '95), I had caught on to how AJ kept his sunglasses and hats and jewelry and became the only one allowed to clean up his corner. This was definitely a good thing, considering he was usually out by the end of every concert, asleep on a couch. If anyone saw the way he moved, they would see how his energy was burned on stage and understand why he was always so tired. I quickly got J's sunglasses in order and began to put them in the cases he kept them in. Then, I gathered up his jewelry and placed them where they belonged. Finally, I grabbed the hats and stuck them where they were always stashed.
"Thanks for the surprise tonight, guys. That really made me feel a lot better," I spoke up, breaking the silence. Brian reached over and hugged me.
"We knew you'd like it," Howie softly replied, walking over to give my forehead a kiss. "We've been planning it for awhile, actually."
"Yeah, when we found out you broke your leg, the first thing D did was find a way to bring you on stage, because we knew that you wouldn't be able to do any dancing for the first couple shows," Kevin told me. I smiled and gave Howie a big hug.
"Love ya D," I said.
"Love ya G," he answered back.
"What's goin' on in here?" a tired voice called from the door. AJ stumbled into the dressing room and fell on the couch. He was exhausted. I grabbed his water bottle, handed it to him, and watched as he guzzled it down. "Thanks for cleaning up my mess, Gilli," AJ barely whispered in his tired, worn out, raspy voice. I smiled at him. Just then, Nick walked in. His hair was hanging down, dripping from the shower he had just taken.
"See ya guys," Brian cried and he jetted out of the stuffy room to go get his shower. Nick sat down next to J, who handed him the bottle. Nicky gladly took it and drank some water before handing it back to AJ. The room was silent once again.
"This always happens. I forget what it's like to be out on tour and on the first night, I'm dead tired," Nick sighed. No one made any effort to sarcastically answer him. "I think I'm gunna hit the sack. I'm bushed."
"Mind if I join you Nicky?" I yawned, rubbing my eyes and stretching.
"Sure Gilli," he answered.
"We're gunna stay in here and wait for that nice big shower," Kevin told me. I reached over and gave Howie a kiss and followed Nick out to the bus, grabbing my cue stick as we passed the lounge. The second we made it into the bus, Nicky and I zonked out beside each other on the couch.