1. Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.

2. Save the whales...collect the whole set.

3. A day without sunshine is like, night.

4. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a big rock.

5. On the other hand...you have different fingers.

6. Change is inevitable...except from a vending machine.

7. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

8. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

9. When the chips are down ... the buffalo is empty.

10. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

11. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't!

12. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

13. He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.

14. She's always late; her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

15. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

16. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be...without sponges.

17. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

18. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

19. Despite the cost of living, have you ever noticed how it remains so popular?

20. Nothing is foolproof...to the sufficiently talented fool.

21.

22. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

23. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

24. If at first you don't succeed...skydiving is not for you.

25. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

26. Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it!

27. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

28. It has recently been determined that research causes cancer in lab rats.

29. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

30. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget the book.

31. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

32. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

33. It may be that your sole purpose in life is to simply serve as a warning to others.

34. Sky's Law: You cannot fall off the floor.

35. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

36. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Taglines

 I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

 I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

 Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

 Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

 Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

 Indecision is the key to flexibility.

 If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.

 Do unto others, then run...

 Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

 I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

 The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

 Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

 The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

 I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

 I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

 All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.

 Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?

 I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

 There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.

 You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

 I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

 It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

 Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. …

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