Brian looked at Lois. His face almost unreadable, before his deep blue eyes look down at his hands.
Seconds later, they returned to Lois.
She didn't say anything. She didn't know what to say. There probably wasn't anything left to say, but in Lois land, there was always something more to say.
But whatever it was, she didn't know it. Damn brain. Didn't know how to send the words to the mouth anymore. Why couldn't it have done that before she let it slip about the bet?
Brian stared at her, as if seeing her for the first time, before he finally spoke after what seemed like an endless silence. "So," he said, tilting his head in thought at he scrunched his face. "This was a bet?"
Lois' heart broke at the words. She knew it probably wasn't right for her and Joey to be doing what they were, but it didn't bother her before. Now, looking at the face of the man who had become a huge part of her life in the last few weeks, she knew exactly how wrong it really was.
And she hated herself for it.
"Brian, I am so sorry." she said, her eyes welling up. "I really never meant to hurt you."
He didn't say anything. He looked at her as if he couldn't understand what she had said.
She knew she had to explain herself quickly. "Joey and I make bets all the time," she started. "Bets about everything. Mostly stupid stuff. That night at the club, we somehow got on the topic of who was more likely to be able to hook up. Then somehow, it turned into this bet." When she actually said the words, and looked at his face, she felt like shit. Lower than shit. She felt like the little bugs that crawled through the shit that was left in the field by cows with diarrhea on a long, hot summer day. "I know it doesn't make it right, but I honestly never thought it would actually go this far. I never thought we would actually go through with it, or that I would actually become this close to you."
Brian still never said a word.
Lois didn't know what else to say. She was usually the best at explaining herself, and getting herself out of jams. But this was an all new low for her, and she knew there was nothing she could say that would make what she did excusable.
She simply sat back and waited for him to yell. Scream. Call her every name in the book.
Because she was already doing that to herself in her mind.
Brian finally sighed, his eyes returning to his hands.
He fumbled with his thumbs, twisting them around each other mindlessly.
"So, you bet him he couldn't hook up with some girl that you chose for him," Brian said, his eyes still on his hands. "And he bet you that you couldn't hook up with some guy he picked for you?"
"Yes." she replied.
"And now, he actually has started to fall for this girl, and you realize that you really do love him?"
"Yes."
There was a long silence, as Brian still looked at his hands.
Then, suddenly, he did something strange. He did the one thing that Lois least expected, and probably the last thing she ever thought she would ever see him do again.
He smiled.
Then, that smile turned into a laugh.
She looked at him as if he had gone insane. That was the only explanation for it. Insanity. She had seen it enough in Justin and Chris to know the signs well, and this was certainly one of them.
"I know you are probably wondering why I am laughing," Brian said between laughs. "But honestly I find this funny."
Lois didn't say anything. She didn't know what to say. She was waiting for the punch line in this really bad joke.
"You set him up with someone only to fall for him yourself? After knowing him for years? After continuously saying that there was nothing between you? And now you told him that you like me, because you couldnt think of anything to say when he told you he liked her?" Another hard laugh escaped his lips. "That is priceless."
Lois' eyes were large as she watched him. "So, you're not mad?"
"No, I'm not mad." he said, calming his laughter. "I'm not happy with you right now, but I'm not mad." Coughing a little to lighten his laughter, he turned to her. "What you did was horrible, Lois. I'm not going to lie to you and say that it is okay what you did. Because its not. Its a really mean thing you did, and its not fair to anyone involved. But when you really look at it, you are the one who got hurt out of the whole deal. Joey is happy. Rae is happy. I have your jelly, and you are sitting here upset over losing Joey over something you started and put together."
Lois stared at him. Only Brian could come up with an explanation like that.
"Almost like justice in a way. The screwer becomes the screwee." he smiled.
Lois felt her lips curl into a small grin. Before she had the chance to think, she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Brians neck.
She fully expected him to yell, scream and throw her out of his life for what she had done. But instead, he had helped her realize just how stupid she was to begin with, and was not holding it against her.
If she didn't realize it before, she did now. He really was an amazing man.
Pulling back, a tear slid down her cheek.
"I guess I deserve this," she said, wiping away the tear. "I mean, its my fault all this is happening, so I guess its only fair that I am the one who loses out."
"Who says you have to lose out?" Brian asked, his face questioning.
"What?" she said, not sure she heard him right. "Didn't you hear me? I said he has feelings for Rae. He called off the bet because he wants to be with her."
"Yes, I heard you. But I also think I know a little more than you realize. Just because he is with Rae right now doesn't mean he wants to be with you any less. He loves you, whether he knows it or not. Whether you know it or not."
"You've lost your mind." she said plainly.
"No, actually, I think you are the one who has lost their mind." he corrected. "Listen, just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have."
Lois didn't answer him. What the fuck was he talking about?
"Lauren and I talked for a long time that night at your place, while you and Justin fought over parking meters." he explained. "She told me about some of your history with Joey. How you met. Some of the antics you two have been through. But most importantly, she told me a few things that I don't even think you know."
She waited for him to continue, and when he didn't she spoke up. "Like what?"
"Like the fact that about a year ago, Joey told Justin he thought he had feelings for you."
Lois started coughing on the air that she had quickly sucked in at what he had said. When she regained her breathing, Brian continued.
"Lauren told me that Justin told her, that Joey thought a while ago that he was falling for you. But since the two of you had such a history together, and because you were always so quick to tell people that there was nothing more between you, that Joey decided it was best to leave it unsaid. He didn't want to lose the friendship the two of you had because of feelings he thought he was having. He loved you too much to love you that way. At least not right then."
Lois couldn't believe she was hearing this. Brian, a man she had known for less than a month, knew things she never would have imagined in her dreams.
Lois sighed. How could she have not known this? She knew Joey better than she knew herself, and still she had no idea that he was even entertaining the thought of having something more with her.
Granted, back then she probably wouldn't have noticed something like that, because she wasn't feeling it herself. But still, she thought of herself as an intelligent woman. Then why was she sitting here feeling like the stupidest person on earth?
"But that was a long time ago," she said. "Things are different now. He is with her now. How am I supposed to go and tell him this, after everything we have been through? How can I go and tell him I love him, when he's happy with someone else?"
"You just do it." Brian said plainly. "You owe it to him to be honest with him. You owe it to him and you owe it to yourself. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't, because you'll spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you had just taken that chance."
Lois felt her composure begin to slip. "I'm scared." she admitted. She laughed a little at herself. "God, I am so stupid."
Brian shook his head. "Its not stupid be to scared. It is stupid to let those fears control you."
"I cant do this." she said. "I cant go and screw up everything we have together because I am feeling this now. I have no right to feel this way, not after I repeatedly said there was nothing more. Not now when he is happy with someone else."
"But how do you know he wouldn't be happier with you?" Brian asked.
"Just because." she stated. Sighing, she looked down. "I just have to make this sacrifice."
"Sacrifice?" Brian asked, his voice confused. "What do you mean sacrifice?"
"What do you mean what do I mean?" she said. "I mean I cant justify going over there and turning his whole world upside down."
"But how is that a sacrifice?" he asked again. Looking at her sternly, he continued. "A sacrifice is just a decision you make. You make the decision not to tell Joey, you have to live with it. You make the decision to tell him, you live with it. But don't act like you are doing anyone any big favors, because its just a decision. And you make it yourself."
Even though she felt like she was being reprimanded, she understood what he meant.
It wasn't right of her to act like she was making a selfless act, when in reality it was more of a selfish one. She was saving her own heart by not telling him, and that was no sacrifice.
It was just a decision.
"But I have screwed this up so bad." she said, rubbing her hands over her face. "God, everything is fucked up, and he doesn't even know it."
"So, you've hit a bump. You just work your way around it. If you trip, you pick yourself up." he smiled. "Everybody trips. That's life. Its how fast you pick yourself up that's important."
Lois had to laugh. "Why do you always have to be so damn smart?" she asked.
"Its a gift." he shrugged.
"But I am scared." she whispered. "I am so scared that he doesn't feel the same. I don't know if I have the courage to do this or not."
"Courage is not the absence of fear. But the judgment that something is more important than fear." Brian commented, giving Lois a poignant look. "Is Joey more important than that fear?"
Lois smiled. God, no matter what stupid thing she said, or what moronic comment she made, he was able to turn it into something amazingly clear and intelligent.
And he was a man! God, she never knew men could do that.
"Yes." she finally responded. "Yeah, he is."
"Then make the decision." Brian nodded. "Decide what you want to do, and do it. Ill be here to help you in any way I can, but I cant make the decision for you. Only you can decide if you want to let him carry on with a relationship with someone else, while you look on wishing you were her. Or if you want to take the chance and be honest with him, and have that honestly possibly take you somewhere you want to be more than anywhere in the world."
Lois grinned. "Just make a decision, huh?"
Brian nodded. "Yup. Just make the decision."
Lois smiled wider as she looked out the large window across from where they sat, out at the bright day.
When she woke up this morning, her main concern was getting Justin to get the fuck off her so she could sleep. Never in her wildest dreams would she ever have thought that any of this would have happened, or any of these things be said. Or felt.
But now, now that she knew everything she ever needed to know, everything seemed to much clearer, yet more complicated at the same time.
She knew what she had to do, but had no idea how to do it. Just because she knew what she needed to do, didn't make her any more sure she was doing the right thing.
But Brian was right. A sacrifice is just a decision you make. Either way, she was sacrificing something. Either her happiness, or her fear.
Looking out at the bright sun, she knew which sacrifice she was willing to make.
Turning back to Brian, she smiled broadly at him.
"I think I already know."
