She could feel herself dying. Slowly, the pain in her chest was intensifying. With each sliding tear, with each ragged breath, She could feel her heart breaking more.
And it was killing her.
Lois rolled over in her bed, her shoulders shaking, making the movement difficult.
The events of the night replaying in her mind was agonizing. The look of confusion on Joeys face when she told him the truth, changing into the look of anger that would forever haunt her, when she told him everything.
For the first time in their friendship, he was mad at her. They were always arguing. A few times a year, they would stop speaking for a short time, mostly just for the dramatics of their friendship. But never, ever, in all that times, had they ever had an actual fight. Never had they ever been so angry with each other to ever even consider stopping speaking to each other for real. Never, had he been this mad.
She was sure what he was mad at the most, however. He seemed so confused when she told him the truth. Almost like he couldn't understand. Then, suddenly, the confusion was replaced by anger. An anger she couldn't understand the roots of.
Joey was not an angry person. She had never seen him actually mad before, and it scared her to know that the first time she saw that side of him, was because of her. Because of something she did, and something she felt. She caused that in him.
But what had been the cause of it? What was it about what she told him that made him that angry? She wasn't stupid enough to think he would simply accept was she was to tell him. That he would jump up, take her into his arms, and tell her he felt the same. She wasn't that blind. But she hadn't expected the reaction she received. Not at all.
One of the things that was bothering her the most was that she didn't know why he was as mad as he was. She couldn't place the point of anger, therefore couldn't figure out where to start to fix it. If she knew exactly what was making him this mad, she could find some way around it. But she had no idea.
First, he was mad because she loved him. But what was she supposed to do? Ignore her feelings? That wasn't fair to either of them, and if that was what he expected her to do, then he was a jackass.
Then, he rambled on about how she had to right to feel this way after they had continuously told everything, and themselves, that it was nothing more. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? That her timing was bad? She couldn't control this anymore than he could, so what was she supposed to do? Set a timer on her heart and try and make sure it coincided with whatever he was feeling?
And if that was the case, what did he mean by it? What did he mean by the fact that he told himself over and over that she felt nothing more towards him when he did? She remembered Brian telling her something about Justin saying that Joey told him that he was having feelings for her a while ago, but she didn't think it was this intense. That it warranted this kind of dramatics. And Joey was the one who decided to push those feelings aside. That was not Lois' fault. It was his decision. And like Brian said, a sacrifice is just a decision you make. She wasn't going to be held accountable for what he feels was a sacrifice on his part. He made the decision, and it was up to him to live with it.
But what if it was true? What if Joey had been feeling more towards her, and she hadn't even noticed? What kind of woman did that make her? Sure, in high school, there are always people who have crushes on you that you don't even realize. But this was Joey. The closest person in the world to her, and she didn't even recall an indication that he may be feelings more towards her than just the friendship they felt.
But really, it didn't matter why he was mad. There are thousands of reason for his anger, and thousands of ways that she could try and make things right. But chance were that none of her ways would work. All it came down to, was that he was mad. And she was the reason for it.
With the memory of his retreating back walking through his door racing through her mind for the millionth time that hour, Lois felt her chin quiver. Rolling over in her bed, she tucked her hands beneath her head, staring out the window across from where she lay.
It was dark outside now, and she could faintly see the stars shining outside. The moon was casting a light white glow into her dark room.
After Joey left, she couldn't seem to pick herself up. She lay on the floor inside his front door. Not crying anymore, just laying there. She wasn't even really thinking of anything. It was as if everything around her had stopped, and she was stuck.
Finally, after about an hour, she managed to pull herself together slightly. She was in such a trance, she knew she was in no condition to drive. Calling Lauren, she and Justin came and picked Lois up. Justin drove Lois' car back home, while Lauren took Lois with her in her car. The two never said a word. They just came, did as they needed, and did not question her.
They knew what had happened.
Or at least the basics. The details were just unnecessary at the moment.
Arriving home, Lois went straight into her room, changing into her pajamas and climbing into the comfort and safety of her bed.
That had been five hours ago, and she still had not gotten up.
Suddenly, a soft knock sounded at her door. A few seconds later, Laurens head poked into the dark room.
"Lois?" he whispered softly. "You awake?"
Lois didn't reply. She simply moved her head slightly to look at Lauren. Lauren noticed the movement, and came into the room, closely followed by Justin.
The two approached her bed almost cautiously. As if their presence was an intrusion. Reaching the head of the bed, they frowned at the look of loss on Lois' normally happy face.
Kneeling to her knees, Lauren sat in front of Lois. She looked at her cousin for a while, noticing how her once vibrant blue eyes seemed distant and hollow now. As if everything she cared about, and walked away when Joey did.
And in a way, it had.
Reaching up, Lauren ran a hand over the side of Lois' face. "Lois, do you want anything?" she asked, her voice soft and soothing.
Lois shook her head softly.
"Do you want me to call Crystal and tell her you wont be in to work for the next couple days?" Justin asked.
Lois looked up and him, and noticed the look of loss on his face. He was at a loss on how to help her, and even though she was so completely helpless, she found comfort in the fact that he was there for her. Even if he didn't know it, he was helping just by being there.
She nodded in response, and Justin quickly left the room to make the phone call.
When he was gone, Lauren sighed. "You wanna talk?"
Lois' chin quivered at the thought of having to talk about what had happened, but a part of her needed to get it out. She needed to tell someone what happened, in the hopes that they would be able to tell her what to do. How to fix what she had done, and tell her what she had done wrong.
She nodded her head.
Lauren smiled slightly, before sliding onto the bed in front of Lois. Tucking her hands beneath her head to match her cousins position Lauren, sighed.
She had no idea what to say to make this better for her. There probably wasn't anything she could say, so she was going to have to settle for doing what she did best. Listen.
Neither woman said anything for a long while. They just lay quietly, their eyes drifting from each other, to Lois' feet, to a spot on the wall. Neither knew how to start.
Finally, Lois spoke up. "He hates me." she said softly, but surely. Her voice was cracking, her emotions ganging up on her.
Those words broke Laurens heart. "He doesn't hate you, Lois." she assured.
Lois was quick to contradict her. "Yes, he does." she said. "He practically said it. He said, that I didn't only lose to the bet, but I lost him too." With the memory of those words escaping Joeys lips, Lois' chin shook again. But no tears fell. She figured she didn't have any tears left after the cry-fest she had had over the last few hours. She was all dried up.
"He was angry," Lauren said. "That boy could never hate you anymore than I could."
Lois shook her head slowly, her lips pursed as she fought back her tears. "No," she whimpered. "He really does hate me. He is so angry, Lauren. He was so mad at me for...." Lois paused, not knowing what to say. She didn't quite know what it was that Joey was mad at the most, so she didn't know how to finish that sentence. Sighing, she shrugged. "He's just mad."
Lauren shifted her weight slightly, her eyes still locked on Lois. "What happened?"
Looking up to Lauren, Lois felt a tear slide down her cheek. "Last night," she started. "Before I went out and was so fucking stupid enough to get drunk, I had watched that episode of Friends where Rachel left that message on Ross' answering machine telling him she was over him?" Lois paused to see if Lauren knew what she was talking about. Lauren nodded. "I don't really remember much of what happened, but I do remember calling Joey last night after I got really, really drunk. I don't even really remember what I said, but I get the idea." Another tear fell. "I had been sitting at that bar for over an hour, just drinking away my thoughts. Suddenly I remembered that show, and I guess I pulled out my phone and called him. I said something about how I was over him, and now Rachel and I have closure." Shaking her head, she groaned. "Then when I went over there today, I had no memory of even calling him last night. But I had left that message on his machine, cause," she paused again. "He had been out with Rae all night." She noticed Lauren tense beside her. "So he went to check his messages, and when he yelled out that there was one from me, I remembered what I had done. Kind of. I jumped after him, trying to get the phone away from him, but it was too late. He had heard everything."
A few more tears fell, and Lois took a few deep breaths to keep herself calm. She needed to get this all out. It had been eating away at her for hours now, and she needed to talk about it.
"He turned, and asked me who Rachel was." Lois shook her head.
"What?" Lauren asked, thinking she had missed an important part of the conversation.
"Exactly." Lois said. "Of everything I probably said on that fucking message, the part where I said that Rachel and I have closure is the part he focused on."
Lauren rolled her eyes at Joeys stupidity. But in all fairness, he was a man. And men weren't exactly known for their ability to pick up on the important things.
"He asked me what I meant, and I just stood there. I figured I would end up telling him last night, because I knew I couldn't keep going like this. But that was certainly not the way I was hoping to tell him." Lois explained. "I tired to walk away, but he followed me into the living room. We sat down, and before I knew it," Lois sighed, her eyes falling to her feet. "I was telling him everything." Her eyes raised to meet Laurens sympathetic ones. "I told him I loved him. That it took something as stupid as this fucking bet to make me realize, but that I did love him. That I told Brian the truth about the bet, and basically everything. I just started to ramble, and before I knew it, I had said everything I could think of."
Wiping a tear from her face, Lois continued. "Then he just got so mad." she remembered. "He got up, starting yelling about how I shouldn't feel this way. How I had no right to feel this way after we had been telling everyone for so long that we were nothing more than friends. After he had told himself over and over that I felt nothing more towards him." Lois shook her head. "He just started yelling, and walked out." Wiping away another tear, she sniffed. "After he left, I just lay on his floor for a long time. That's when I called you."
Lauren pictured the events in her mind, trying to understand everything that had happened as best she could, so that she might be able to help Lois figure out how to fix what had happened.
Lauren didn't blame Lois for all this. Of course, she had her blame, but it wasn't completely her fault. Joey had agreed to go along with the bet, and whatever consequences came along with it.
But neither of them had figured that these would be the consequences.
"He'll be mad for a while," Lauren began. "He had a lot to figure out. But if I know him the way I think I do, he'll be back."
Lois began to shake her head. "I don't think so, Lala." she cried. "You didn't see him. You didn't see the way he looked at me." Lois' chin shook to hard, she could barely speak. "It was like he couldn't stand to look at me."
Lauren sat up, and pulled Lois' shaking body towards her. Wrapping her arms around her shoulders, she tried to comfort her as best she could.
"He's just mad," she said. "This is all coming at once to him, and he doesn't know how to handle it." Kissing the top of Lois' head, Lauren rubbed her back. "But that boy loves you. Of that I have no doubt."
Again, Lois shook her head. "No, no he doesn't." she insisted. "He is so mad, Lauren. He wouldn't even listen to me. He just walked away. When I tired to talk to him, he just left. He wouldn't let me explain. He wouldn't listen to me at all." Lois could barely talk between the gasps for air as she began to hyperventilate. "He needs to listen to me. He needs to let me explain. He needs to know that I'm not lying when I told him I loved him. He needs to know that its true."
Lauren closed her eyes and sighed. "Affirmation." she whispered almost inaudibly.
Wiping her eyes, Lois looked up at Lauren. "What?"
Opening her eyes, Lauren looked down at Lois. "Affirmation." she repeated louder. "It means showing that something is true. The moment that something is confirmed as the truth." Pushing a few loose strands of hair behind Lois' ear, she grinned at her. "He just needs affirmation."
Sitting up, Lois rubbed her hands over her face several times. Folding her legs under her, she began to pick at the blankets wrapped around her. Looking up at Lauren, Lois shook her head. "I don't know." she said. "How in the world do I prove this to him? How the fuck do I give him affirmation?"
Lauren looked at Lois. She had no idea how she was going to be able to prove this to Joey. Lauren understood the confusion he probably felt right now, but he needed to know. He needed to know the truth.
"Honestly?" she said, looking at her cousin. Lois nodded. "I have no idea."
