A single tear forced its way from Ryans eye, sliding down her cheek before she quickly wiped it away. She mentally scolded herself for crying. She hated to cry. She never cried.
Justin wouldnt want to see her cry.
The only sound in the small room was the steady beeping, chiming in time with his heart beating. The cool air chilled Ryans skin, but she couldnt feel it. She was numb. She was so focused on the sight before her, nothing else in the room registered to her.
She was almost afraid to blink. As if in that tiny split second that her eyes were closed, something would happen. He would move. An eyelash would flutter. Anything.
She didnt want to miss a thing.
A light sigh sounded through the room, as Ryan leaned back in her chair at Justins bedside. She had been here for hours, and nothing had changed. He had still not regained consciousness, and although his heartbeat was steady, the doctors said it was weak.
The sight he made almost caused her to break down. He was such a strong, capable, independent man. And now here he was, tubes running through his body, with machines tracking his every motion, breath and heartbeat.
Ryan rubbed her tired eyes, before quickly returning them to Justins motionless form.
He lay in the hospital bed, eyes closed peacefully. His strong arms lay at his sides, an IV running into his vein.
How did they come to this? How is it, that Justin was laying in this hospital bed, completely unaware of his surroundings, of the people who loved him wishing, hoping and praying that he would do something so simple as open his blue eyes?
It wasnt fair. He shouldnt be here. This shouldnt have happened.
But it did.
Ryan felt her chin quiver as she looked at Justin again.
She had been fighting her own mind for hours now, willing herself not to think of what had happened. She didnt want to think about it, because all she would end up doing is thinking of the million and one things she could have or should have done so that this never would have happened.
She knew it wasnt her fault, and she shouldnt blame herself. Deep down she knew it wasnt her fault, but that didnt mean she would stop blaming herself. Isnt that what everyone did when something bad happened? They blamed themselves? Thinking back to the time before it happened, running through the steps and events leading up to it, trying desperately to pinpoint a moment where they could have done something, anything differently to change the outcome they found themselves in?
Of course they did. And she was no exception.
"Justin, why havent you left yet?" Ryans urgent voice called through the room from the answering machine. Justins head shot up from his place on the floor. He was on his hands and knees searching for his shoes. Why didnt he just leave them in the same place all the time? Because that would make sense, and no one ever said anything he did made sense.
How did she know he hadnt left yet?
Running over to the phone, he picked it up and placed it to his ear, the answering machine shutting off as the phone was removed from the stand.
"How did you know I hadnt left yet?" he asked into the phone as he resumed the search for his missing shoes.
"Because I know you. You never leave on time." He swore he could see her smile through the phone. "You said you were going to leave at seven o'clock, and it is now seven. Since you're always late, I knew you would still be home."
Justin laughed at her logic. But she was right. She was always right, damn her.
"So, why are you calling me then? If you want me to hurry, talking to you on the phone is only going to slow me down." he smiled as he finally caught a glimpse of one of the white Nikes under his dresser. How the shoe got under his dresser, he had no idea. Pulling the shoe out from under the dresser, he noticed its mate pushed further back against the wall. Laying on the floor, he reached back as far as he could, pulling the other shoe out.
"Just so I could remind you not to be late. Kate will be so upset if you dont make it, ya know?"
"Yeah, I know. I promise, I wont be late." Justin balanced the phone between his shoulder and ear as he pulled an arm through his jacket, before switching to do the same with the other side. His shoes werent tied yet, so he was tripping over his own feet as he walked around the room.
"Okay, I just wanted to remind you."
"Okay, Im leaving right now. Im walking out the door. Tell Katie I wont be late." he called. Sitting on the bed, he tied his shoes before they caused him to fall and kill himself.
"Okay, see you soon."
"Love you"
"Love you, too."
Clicking the phone off, Justin placed it on the coffee table before running over to grab his keys from the rack at the door.
He hated to hurry. He never hurried for anything. He showed up late for interviews, rehearsals, even concerts once or twice. But here he was rushing to make sure he made it to Ryans little sisters science fair? He had to smile at himself. Now those were priorities.
Locking the door to his house, Justin quickly walked over to his car, jumping in behind the wheel.
Turning the key, the engine fired up, as he through it in gear and backed down the driveway.
Ryan would kill him if he was late. He had been late for too many important things throughout their relationship, so he made a point to be on time.
Kate would be crushed if he didnt show up to her science fair. Justin adored Ryans little sister, continuously teasing her that he was going to marry her when she grew up. Katie, being only eight years old, would always pretend that he grossed her out, saying that Justin had cooties. She said that she was going to marry Lance, because he never held her upside down by her ankles or threw her in the pool.
Stopping at a red light, Justin checked his watch. If he didnt run into any traffic or construction, he should be able to make it on time. Damn it, why did he have to fall alseep after rehearsals? Was it so hard to just stay awake for a couple hours? Apparently so.
The moment the light turned green, Justin sped through. He drove quickly down a long, quiet stretch of road. No other cars lined the streets, giving him the opportunity to speed up. If he was able to drive at this speed the rest of the way, without running into any more red lights, he just might make it.
Justin slowed his car as he approached a red light. As he neared, it thankfully turned green, and Justin proceeded through the intersection.
Just as he entered the crossroad, out of the corner of his eye he saw a white flash. Bright headlines blinded him as he turned to his right, just in time to see a speeding truck crash into the passenger side of his car. Justins entire body slammed into the steering wheel, his stomach absorbing the force of the impact. His car spun across the pavement, as he tried desperately to regain control. The motions finally stopped as the back left side of his car slammed into a hydro pole, throwing him into the driver door. His head slammed into the window, an immediate shock of pain throbbing through his skull, before he was engulfed in black.
"Where the hell is he?" Ryan paced across the living room, looking at the clock on the wall for what was surely the millionth time that hour.
Justin was almost an hour late, and Ryan had sent her parents and sister ahead without her. She assured them that he was probably just late as always, and that they would meet them at the school.
She paced angrily across the floor, hands on her hips definantly. He was always late, but never this late. When she had called him, he said he was walking out the door right then. She had probably woken him up, and he just said that to pacify her until he could scramble and get ready.
He always did that. He was always late, rushing to get ready in the shortest time possible, and showing up with five minutes to spare. She was used to that, but that didnt mean she liked it. She was raised to always be early, so it drove her crazy that Justin was always late for everything.
The phone screeched an annoying ring through the house, braking Ryan from her ranting thoughts. She picked up the receiver, calling angrily into the phone. "This better not be you!"
"Hello. Is a Miss Ryan Garner there, please?" an official sounding voice called through the phone.
Ryan scolded herself for answering the phone like that. Just her luck the one time she presumed it was Justin, it wasnt. "Oh, sorry." she appologized. "This is Ryan."
"Miss Garner, do you know a young man by the name of Justin Timberlake?" the voice continued.
"Yes." She felt herself being to get nervous. The person on the other end of the phone had a very calm, in control voice, but for some reason, Ryan was scared. "Why, where is he?"
"Miss Garner, Mr. Timberlake has been admitted to St. Josephs Hospital. He was involved in a serious car accident about an hour ago. I was informed by a family member of his to contact you."
Ryans heart stopped. No. It wasnt true. Justin was fine, he was just a little late. He wasnt in a car accident.
"Is he okay?" she managed to whisper into the phone.
"Ma'am, a Mr. Fatone is on his way to pick you up. I was asked to call and have to wait for him"
"Is he okay?" Ryan asked again more forcefully.
The voice was silent for a moment, before continuing. "I am not at liberty to discuss his condition with you over the phone ma'am. The doctor will answer all your questions when you arrive here at the hospital."
Ryan was about to protest, when a knock at the door echoed through the house.
She ran over to the door, pulling it open quickly to find Joey standing on her step. His face was filled with worry, but she could tell he was trying his best to be strong for her. He gave her a weak smile, as he stepped up closer to her.
Realizing the phone was still in her hand, Ryan spoke up "Joey's here, Im on my way."
The drive to the hospital seemed to take forever. Ryan asked Joey what had happened, but he didnt seem to know much. As soon as JC called him, he came to get Ryan. He hadnt even been to the hospital yet, himself. The other guys, along with Justins family were already there waiting. All he knew was that some guy had run a red light, slamming into Justins car.
He had been only four blocks from Ryans house.
She stared out the window, nervously chewing on her nails. Joey didnt speak unless spoken to, which was unsual for him. Usually he was always talking, chattering away even if no one was listening to him, but he didnt know what to say at a time like this. For the first time in his life, he was speechless.
Joey pulled his car into the visitors section of the parking lot, sliding in to a space near the emergency doors. Ryan jumped out of the car, following Joey into the building.
Ryan hated hospitals. She was lucky that she had never had to be admitted to one. She had never had stitches, broken a bone, or anything. But she still didnt like them. No one was there unless they were hurt, or sick, or........dying.
Ryan kept up with Joeys quick pace through the hall towards the emergency waiting room. The rest of the guys were waiting, scattered throughout the room, as they walked in.
They looked horrible, and Ryan could tell that they were sick with worry.
Chris was bouncing his legs nervously, the motions causing his entire body to rock. He was always hyper, and when he was nervous or scared, he was even harder to keep calm.
JC was standing over by a window, starting out into the dark night. He was quiet, his eyes fixated on something outside.
Lance looked up at her from his seat in the middle of the room she entered along side Joey, trying his best to give her a reassuring smile. It didnt work out too well.
"Hey, Ry." he smiled, standing from his chair to allow her to sit.
"What happened? Is he okay? Can I see him?" she was frantically asking questions, not giving Lance a chance to answer any of them.
"Slow down." Lance placed his hands on her shoulders, lowering her to the chair. He knelt down in front of her, holding her hands comfortingly in his.
"Hes unconscious. He hit is head pretty bad when his car hit the hydro pole, and they said he was knocked out immediately. His mom is in there now, and they are only letting one of us in at a time to see him." Lance explained in a soothing tone.
"Is he............." she paused, taking deep breaths before finishing a question she didnt really want to ask, let alone hear an answer to. ".....going to die?" Ryans chin was quivering so hard, she could barely make her words understandale.
She had been scared the entire drive to the hospital, but now that she was here, it was beginning to sink in that Justin really had been hurt. She kept telling herself over and over that she was just dreaming, and that he was fine. But here she was, and she knew she wasnt dreaming.
Lance looked down at the floor. The thought of Justin actually dying had entered his mind more times than he ever wanted to admit, but he didnt want to tell that to Ryan. He didnt know what to tell her, because he didnt know himself.
The doctors said there wasnt much more they could do, and that they had to wait and see if he regained consciousness. Justin had suffered severe internal bleeding from the force of the impact and when his stomach hit the steering wheel. Two of his ribs were broken, as well as his right leg. He had undergone surgery to repair some of the damage done to his stomach, and the bump on his head was a concern. They did all they could do, but they werent sure if they had stopped all the bleeding. The next twenty four hours would be critical.
Just as Lance was about to try and say something comforting to Ryan, Justins mom came out of his room, tears falling from her eyes. She looked over at Ryan, giving her a warm smile as best she could.
Ryan stood, approching Lynn Timberlake cautiously. "Is he awake?"
Lynn shook her head. "No." she sniffed, wiping the tears from her eyes gently with her hands.
"Can I see him"
Lynn smiled at Ryan. She knew that the girl loved her son very much, and Lynn truly felt that Ryan was one of the best things to ever happen in Justins life. "Of course." Lynn opened the door for Ryan, ushering her inside before closing it behind her.
Ryan hadnt had a chance to prepare herself for what Justin would look like at that moment. Nothing could have prepared her. She had seen him the day before, and he had been his usual self. Happy, healthy and strong. But he didnt look like that now.
He was bruised all over, scratches and cuts visable on his arms, and bandages wrapped his left shoulder. A large welt on his head indicated where he had hit the window.
Ryans breath caught in her throat at the sight.
She had always thought of Justin as invincable. Nothing could touch him. Nothing bad could happen to him. He was Justin Timberlake, for Christ sake!
Walking slowly up to the bed, Ryan looked down at Justins peaceful face. He seemed to be sleeping, and she wondered that if she touched him, if he would wake up.
She reached down, and took his warm hand in hers.
He didnt wake.
She lowered herself into the chair at his bedside, still holding his hand in hers.
This was her fault. He was rushing because of her, and because of her he could die.
If he died, she could never forgive herself. How could she go through the rest of her life knowing that because of her, because she was urging him to hurry because of a stupid third grade science fair, the most important person in the world to her died.
If Justin died, so could a piece of her soul.
The door to the quiet room opened, a soft voice calling to the young girl who still sat at the bedside.
"Ry?"
She turned to see JC standing at the doorway. She looked at him breifly before turning her attention back to Justin.
JC slid into the room, closing the door quietly behind him as if he was afraid it would wake Justin if he made a noise.
He stepped up to the foot of the bed, and looked down at his lifelong friend. "Any change?"
Ryan only shook her head.
They stayed in silence for a long while, both staring at Justin, willing him to open his eyes. It was such a simple thing to do, to open your eyes. But at that moment it seemed like the hardest thing in the world to do.
He didnt. He lay silently, peacefully sleeping.
"Its my fault" Ryans sad, quiet voice whispered. "Its all my fault."
JC was shocked at her statement, even though they all knew that she would blame herself. They knew that Justin was supposed to go to Katies science fair that night, and also knew that he had probably fallen asleep after the hard day of rehearsals they endured, causing him to be late and have to rush to be on time. Ryan would inevitably blame herself for this, and they were prepared for that. But just because they knew what she would so, didnt make it any easier to try and reassure her that it wasnt her fault.
JC came up beside her, knealing down to look up at her worried face. Her lips were pulled into her mouth, and JC could tell she was fighting not to cry. "This is not your fault." he whispered soothingly. "You couldnt have done anything to stop that guy from running the light."
"But Justin was there because of me!" she yelled. JCs eyes shot to Justin, out of reflex thinking that her outburst would wake him.
It didnt.
"He was there, at that moment, because I told him to be! I told him to hurry, and not be late for Katies science fair! A stupid, fucking science fair!" Ryan was sobbing now. She was crying so hard she could barely get the words out. "Its my fault, JC!"
"No, its not." he stood, pulling her from her chair and into the comfort of his hold. She cried into his chest, wrapping her arms around him tightly. "There is nothing you could have done, and nothing you can do."
She couldnt answer him, or protest any more. She was crying too hard. He held her, rocking her body comfortingly for a long while. JC fought hard not to cry along with her. He wasnt able to understand this anymore than she was. He was a strong believer in the idea that everything happened for a reason. But how could something like this happen to Justin? For the life of him, JC couldnt see the reasoning behind it.
When her crying had settled, JC released her, and asked if she wanted him to stay in the room with her. She thanked him, but said she would prefer to be alone with Justin.
JC kissed her forehead softly, before leaving the room. As he closed the door, he took one more look at her.
She sat in the chair at Justin bedside, holding his hand again like she had been when he had entered moments before. She stared at him, barely blinking, waiting for anything to happen.
He sighed sadly as he exited the room, closing the door quietly behind him.
Ryan was completely focused on Justin again. She stared at his face, memorizing every line, remembering all those times that he had smiled at her. All those times that his blue eyes shined at her from across a room, making her feel like she was the only person in the world. The way he would hold her, and make her feel safe.
She needed to feel that again.
Slowly, she stood from her chair, and cautiously pulled herself onto the hospital bed beside Justins motionless body. She layed her head down on the pillow beside his, pulling her body close to the warmth of Justins. Wrapping an arm over his solid chest, she tucked her other hand beneath the pillow under her head.
She found herself waiting for him to wake, for him to look over at her and smile, and return her embrace like he had all those times before.
She looked at him so closely, that her eyes were having trouble staying focused on him. She was beginning to grow tired, and was giving in to her exhaustion.
Reluctantly, Ryan closed her sore eyes, but could still see Justin in her mind. Pulling herself closer to him, she began to softly sing to herself.
"When the visions around you........bring tears to your eyes.........and all that surrounds you........are secrets and lies........Ill be your strength........Ill give you hope.........keeping your faith when its gone............the one you should call.............was standing here all along..........."
She wanted so badly for Justins beautiful voice to chime in, singing along with her to the words of the song he was known for. But only her voice filled the room. Only the sound of her voice, and the steady beeping of the machines around them echoed in the room. She found herself wondering what she would do, if she never heard his voice again.
As her tired voice died down, a tear slid down her cheek onto the pillow beneath her head as she reluctantly gave in to her exhaustion.
