Justin raised the blankets over his head with a groan, trying to block out the sound of the storm outside. Snuggling in closer to the pillow, he sighed loudly before drifting back to sleep. That blissful moment was only a second before another crash of thunder shook the walls around him, causing him to sit up quickly.
The quick movement caused his head to spin, and he clutched his hair to steady his swirling thoughts.
Opening his eyes, he scanned the room around him. Where the hell was he?
As he came awake, he remembered the night before. The dinner with Ryan. Her apology. And the part that he wished had been a dream. The fight.
Bringing his hands down from his hair, Justin laid back into the bed and stared up at the ceiling above him.
Usually when something happened in his life that made him upset or worried, it always seemed clearer the next morning. As if a peaceful nights sleep would somehow sort through whatever mess he had gotten himself into and the answers would just appear.
He looked around the room a few times. No answers were laying around anywhere.
He remembered coming to JCs, and sitting up for hours talking about what he had been through. He had always been able to confide in JC, knowing that anything he told him would stay with him and never be repeated.
That sense of security and trust enabled Justin to admit to JC that he needed help. That he knew he wasn't able to carry on the way he had been and that he was only hurting himself more in the long run.
JC didn't say much during their conversation. He just listened. He listened as Justin described his feelings of fear after the accident. His frustration when he came home and was unable to do the simplest of tasks because of his injuries, and the anger he felt when he would push himself only to have his body protest.
Justin needed to get this all out before he would be able to move on. And even though he hadn't done anything to change his ways yet, that small sense of freedom he felt from just saying those words gave him hope that he would make it through this.
Another thing that they had discussed was Ryan. Justin knew he had been avoiding her for the last few weeks, but only because he knew that he would end up losing his temper if she confronted him on his actions and behavior. And lord knows he was right.
JC listened through the majority of that conversation as well. It wasn't until he said a single sentence that Justin stopped and realized just how lost he had been.
"When was the last time you told her you loved her?" JC had asked the question like he was asking Justin if he wanted another Pepsi.
Justin turned and looked at JC shocked. "What do you mean?" The moment the words left his mouth, Justin felt like a moron. He knew exactly what JC had meant, but he felt like he had to stall for some reason.
"When was the last time you told her you loved her?" JC repeated in the same tone. "Or spent any time with her? Or just talked to her like we're talking now?"
Justin just stared at JC like he had grown a second head. What did this have to do with their fight? How was any of this going to help Justin figure out what to do to make things right between them?
When JC didn't say any more as he waited for an answer, Justin looked down at his hands.
When he really thought about it, he couldn't remember an answer to any of his questions. He couldn't remember the last time he told Ryan he loved her. Or the last time they had spent any real time together. Or the last time they had stayed up and talked the night away.
"I don't know." Justin admitted quietly into his hands.
"Then I think that's where you have to start." JC stated.
"What do you mean?" Justin turned his eyes back to his friend. Why did JC always have to sound like a damn self help guru?
"Your fight with Ryan isn't the root of your problems. Its just the climax of them. All the ignoring, the avoiding and the pushing brought you to this. You are only just now realizing that you haven't been doing your part in this relationship lately. Considering the fact that she's a girl, she has probably realized this a long time ago." JC studied Justin closely before continuing. "No one expects you to jump back into your old life with no problems. You do need to focus on getting your shit back together, but don't push us all away in the process."
"I'm not pushing you all away." Justin protested.
"When was the last time we talked like this?" JCs blunt question shocked Justin.
Again, he couldn't remember the answer.
"Exactly." JC nodded. "You used to call me at the most stupid times of the night to talk about stuff when you couldn't sleep." JC smiled slightly as he remembered those times. "I used to get so pissed off at you cause you would wake me up, but deep down I enjoyed those talks." Raising his eyes to his young friend, JCs smile fell. "We haven't even seen each other outside of rehearsals for three weeks."
Justin felt horrible when he realized that JC was right. He had spent any time with any of them since coming home. He remembered being in the hospital, thinking of all the things he was missing out on because he was there. The talks with JC, the pranks with Chris, the video games with Joey and the Monopoly games with Lance. He had even found himself missing the fights with Lois. He would lay in his hospital bed counting the moments until he was back out and able to rejoin his life and friends.
And here he was in the situation he had been dreaming about, and all he was doing was secluding himself. The moment he left the studio, he would come home. He wouldn't call anyone or do anything other than work out and focus on getting his life back together.
What he didn't realize then was that his life was falling apart around him.
"I'm sorry, man." Justin whispered as he stared at his feet. "I honestly didn't even realize I was doing it."
"I know." JC smiled at Justin. "We all know. We're not mad at you for it, dude. We just want you to back off yourself a little. You don't need to push so hard to get where you want to be. Just let things take their course, and you'll get there."
Justin nodded. It all seemed so simple now. Everything that had kept him awake at night, that had plagued his days and stressed his life seemed so clear and insignificant when put in those words.
But he still didn't know how to fix what he had put Ryan through.
"But what do I do about Ryan?" Justin asked. "I mean, dude, Ive never talked to her like that before. I don't even know why I did to begin with. I was just so mad that she would have the nerve to doubt me or confront me that I lashed out at her. I didn't want anyone to actually say anything to me about it, even though I knew you all knew. If you said it, it would make me have to face it."
"Well, I don't really know what to tell you to do about that one." JC admitted as he rubbed his forehead. "But the one thing I do know is, that you aren't going to be able to make this up with some dinner and an apology."
Justin grinned at his friend. "So flowers and the Timberlake grin arent going to cut it, huh?"
JC laughed at Justins choice of words. "Not this time, buddy."
Another crash of thunder brought Justin back from his thoughts.
He looked around JCs guest room before turning his eyes to the window at his side. The rain fell harder and harder by the second, the sky almost black.
Justin grinned when he thought of all those nights he and Ryan would spent laying in bed listening to the rain outside. His smile fell when he found himself wondering what she was doing right then.
Pushing the covers back from his body, Justin slid out of bed.
It had started to rain around two am the night before, and JC offered to let Justin stay over instead of having to drive home. Justin didn't really care about driving in the rain, but had felt like he needed that sense of safety that came with being at a friends house.
Entering the small bathroom that adjoined his room, Justin leaned over the sink and splashed cold water on his face. Looking up into the mirror, his eyes scanned his reflection.
He was pale and thin, his eyes seeming hollow and tired. His body was sore, and although he had regained all the muscle he lost while in the hospital, he was weaker than ever before.
He hadn't taken the time to really look at himself before, and now that he had, he didn't like what he saw. He didn't see the man that used to stare back at him, his eyes shining with drive and energy for the day to come. He didn't see himself.
But he knew that he would. One day soon, he would see himself again. All he had to do was work for it, and let others help him get back to the man he knew. He needed to help himself.
Giving himself one last look, Justin headed back to the bedroom.
Pulling on his jeans, Justin slid his t-shirt over his head and exited the bedroom to head for the kitchen.
As he passed the living room, Justin noticed the clock on the wall. It was almost eleven. This had been the first day in weeks that he had actually allowed himself to sleep in. And this was the first day in weeks that he felt somewhat normal again.
Entering into the large kitchen, Justin grinned at JC who was sitting at the table reading the paper.
"Well, good morning." JC smiled as Justin shuffled into the kitchen.
"Hey." Justin greeted as he pulled open the door to the fridge, pulling out the orange juice.
Reaching above him, Justin pulled down a bowl and glass, fixing himself his standard breakfast of cereal and juice.
"So," JC said as he folded his paper to place on the table in front of him. "What are you doing today?"
"I dunno." Justin shrugged as he filled his bowl with cereal. A few pieces fell into the counter top, which Justin popped in his mouth quickly before JC could complain that he was messing up his kitchen. "Thanks for letting me stay over."
"No problem." JC smiled.
Grabbing his bowl and glass, Justin sat at the table across from JC.
The two sat in silence for a long while. Justin quietly eating his cereal while JC sipped his coffee.
Justin was the first to brake the silence. "Thanks for listening last night, too."
"Again, not a problem." JC assured.
Justin nodded as he stirred his cereal. "You know, even though I just admitted to you that I need help, I feel better somehow."
"Because you let yourself let go of all that tension you felt. Like you had to hold everything inside so not to inconvenience anyone." JC said as he leaned on the table in front of him.
"Yeah." Justin agreed as he continued to stir his cereal. "Now what do I do?"
JC grinned at his young friend.
There were so many things that Justin needed to do to get through this. And not just his injuries. What he needed to do to fix the shit he had caused between he and Ryan.
Sipping his coffee again, JC looked at Justin. "Now, you admit it to the one person who needs to hear it the most."
