Justin grunted as he rolled over in his bed. This had to be the longest night of his life.
Well, almost.
Staring up at the ceiling, his thoughts ran away with him for the millionth time that night.
Lois' words kept repeating his in mind, and the more he thought about what she had said the more he wanted to talk to Ryan.
How could she think that he didn't love her anymore? That concept was completely ridiculous to him. What was even more crazy was that she thought that he wouldn't care if she left. Of course he would care. What kind of man would he be if he didn't?
But deep down he understood why she felt that way. He had been distant from her and everyone else around him for the past few weeks. His only focus had been on getting himself back in shape, and putting his life back on track. Everything else had been pushed to the background of his mind. His friends, his family, and Ryan. To say that he didn't even realize it before now would be true, but it still wouldn't excuse it. People go through what he was going through all the time, but they held their lives together. If anything, they pulled the people closest to them even closer. But he had somehow managed to push them away.
He knew the guys would forgive him. They always did. No matter what stupid assed thing he did, they always forgave him.
He thought Ryan would forgive him as well. But the fact that she had actually left because of him made him not so sure now. Even if she only went to her parents, she was still trying to escape him. Escape the drama and stress that he had brought into her life with his behavior.
Looking at the clock on his night stand, Justin saw that it had only been seven minutes since the last time he looked at the clock. He groaned loudly before rolling onto his side and tucking his hands beneath his head.
Lois had convinced him that it would be better if he didn't go and see Ryan that night. She needed time to sort through her thoughts and feelings before he bombarded her with all his feelings and confessions. Even if it was only for one night, she needed a little peace.
He reluctantly agreed, but decided that he would go over first thing in the morning.
He needed to tell her that she was right. She needed to know that he was wrong, and everything she had accused him of was true. He had been pushing himself too hard and not taking care of himself the way he should have been. He was experiencing pain and keeping it a secret from everyone around him.
He was only doing it so that everyone else wouldn't be set back even more because of him, but even he knew that excuse was stupid. No matter what his reasons, there was no excuse for risking his health for the sake of a tour.
Thinking back, Justin honestly couldn't pinpoint the time where he had gone wrong with everything.
In the hospital, he knew exactly what he needed to do to put his life back together. He was aware of his limits and how hard he would be able to push without causing damage or pain. He had made himself a little plan and figured he would follow it through perfectly.
But when he got home, things weren't as simple as he thought they would be.
He knew that he would have difficulty getting around with a broken leg, but being at home and in his usual surroundings automatically made him want to move around and do everything he always did. But when his body would object to his actions, it only made him want to push harder to get back to his old self.
Dr. Hughes had been impressed with how far Justin had come since having the cast removed. His muscles had developed quickly, and he seemed to be having no difficulty walking or going through his day to day life. When the doctor asked him if he had been following his recommended exercise routine, Justin had said yes. Which wasn't a complete lie. Yes, he had been following the schedule, but he conveniently failed to mention the fact that he had added a few changes to it and had been doing it twice a day rather than once. Any questions the doctor would ask, Justin would answer, with a slight twist of the truth to make it seem like he wasn't working quite as hard as he had been. And since the doctor couldn't prove that Justin had been pushing himself too hard unless something showed up on x-rays or in his health, Dr. Hughes had to take Justins word for it.
When the cast had first been removed, Justin followed the schedule set out for him by the doctor exactly. But after a week, he didn't feel like he was making any progress. He wanted to be back in shape in time for rehearsals, if not sooner. So he adjusted the routine a little, adding a few more reps and a little more cardio here and there to increase the intensity just enough to move things along without causing obvious damage. But the more he worked, the harder he wanted to work. And before he knew it, all he was doing was working. He had slowly distanced himself from Ryan and the guys, focusing solely on his recovery.
He hadn't even realized it until it had happened. Change is such a gradual thing, sometimes you don't even realize there is a change until it happens. All of a sudden, everything is different.
It tore Justin apart to think that Ryan thought he didn't care anymore. All he did was care. Even if he didn't show it as much as he should, he cared more than she would ever know.
She didn't know of all those times when she would stay over, that he would lay awake at night watching her sleep. Studying every line in her face, every sound she made, every breath she took. It was like he couldn't get enough of her. He didn't want to even blink, incase he missed something.
He would watch her, and wonder to himself what his life would be like if he didn't have her. Would he be with someone else? Would he be even half as happy with that person as he was with her? Would his life feel this complete?
Whatever questions that went through his mind, they always ended at the same conclusion.
Without her in his life, he just wouldn't be living at all.
She made everything work. She knew everything about him. She knew what he was thinking or what he was going to say even before he said it. She knew all his tricks, all his lines, and all his secrets. She knew more about him than he knew about himself.
He couldn't even think of feeling this way, or having this kind of connection with anyone else.
Looking at the clock again, Justin groaned. Only ten minutes since the last time he looked. God damn it! Was time going backwards or something?
Sighing with frustration, Justin reached up and turned on the lamp at the side of his bed, a dull yellow light filtering through the room.
Rubbing his eyes to adjust to the light, he reached over to his other night stand and picked up the phone, quickly dialing a familiar number.
He knew he was going to get in really big shit for calling at three o'clock on the morning, but he couldn't sleep and needed someone to talk to.
Everyone had said that he had been distancing himself. Not doing his usual midnight calls anymore. Well, they complained, so now he's going to do what they wanted.
On the fourth ring, and tired and annoyed voice answered the phone.
"This better be Hayden Christensen calling to say that he wants me to have his love child. If not, you've got the wrong number, leave a message after the beep. Beep."
"Lois. Its me." Justin called through the phone, trying to hide his laughter.
Even at three am, after being woken up, she was till a smartass.
"Yeah. Well, its me, too. Congratulations. You're you, Im me. We're us. Goodbye, Justin." she sighed sleepily.
"No seriously."
"No, seriously!"
"Lois!"
"Justin!"
"Lo-"
"Justin, its three-flicking-am, what the fuck do you want?" Lois asked, trying her best not to lose her patience.
"Why did you say three-flicking-am, just to end up saying fuck two words later anyways?" he asked.
"Who cares! You woke me up from the very nice dream involving me, a pool of chocolate pudding and Paul McCartney. You expect me to be cheery and make sense at a time like this? You are a jackass."
Justin couldn't stop himself from laughing at her this time. She was too much.
No matter how much she drove him nuts, picked on him, hid his underwear or grabbed his ass, he would always love that woman.
Most of the time.
"What are you doing?" Justin asked, leaning his back against his headboard as he bent his knees under the blankets of his bed.
"Sitting in a golden chair being fed grapes by my naked man servants." she answered sarcastically. "What the hell do you think I'm doing!"
"Now, now, Lois-ois." Justin tisked. "We wouldn't want Joey to find out about your little Hayden, Paul or naked man servant fetish, now would we? So you be nice."
"He already knows." she replied. "Who do you think got me interested in the pools of pudding in the first place?"
Justin's eyes went wide in shock. "EEWWWW!" he whined. "That was a total over-share, Lois!"
"Don't ask. Wont tell." she said plainly. Yawning, Lois stretched her arm over her head as she rolled onto her back. "What do you want, Justin?"
"I cant sleep."
"Well, I can. Take a Tylenol PM, and Ill talk to you in the morning."
"Please, Lois" Justin whined, adding a small whimper for emphasis. "You said I never call you anymore, and now I'm calling and you wont talk to me."
"I meant call at a normal hour, you moron! Not at three am!" she yelled through the phone.
She had only been talking to him for less than five minutes, and he was already giving her a headache.
"You didn't specify times, so I called." he stated. Sighing, he scooted down further into his bed. "What do I do?"
"About what?"
"About this pesky diaper rash." Justin said sarcastically. "What the crap do you think I'm talking about?"
"Well, I cant help you with the diaper rash thing, hon. Just have someone rub cream on your butt." Lois opened her eyes at her own words. "Oh, wait. Maybe I can help you with that."
"EEEWWW!!!"
"Shut up, brat."
"You are NOT touching my butt!"
"If I recall, Ive already touched it a few times. Remember, Ive dressed you since you were fourteen, baby boy. Ive seen your stuff." Lois teased.
Justin was silence for a while, wondering how in the hell things had gotten onto this topic. He called to talk about what to do about Ryan, and now they were talking about diaper rashes and his 'stuff'.
"What do I do about Ryan?" he asked, picking at a piece of fluff on his blanket.
"I honestly, don't know." Lois sighed. "To be honest, I never thought things would come to this. But you've had your head up your ass for so long, that this is where you are now." Lois paused while she thought of what to say next. It was too early in the morning to be talking pretty. She hadn't yet finished that book, and wasn't about to find it just so she could sound intelligent at three am. "I will say that I am proud of you for finally admitting that you need help, Justin. FINALLY! You admitted it. But admitting it is one thing, while fixing all the crap you did before you admitted it is another." Lois scrunched her face at herself. Was she even making sense?
"What?" Justin asked, confused.
Apparently not.
"What I mean is, even if you apologize for being a jackass about your health and stuff, its going to take more than just an I'm Sorry to fix everything between you and Ryan."
Justin was silent for a long while before replying. "I know."
"Its funny, you know? How you can tear something down with actions and words, and then expect to be able to put it all back together with two simple words. I'm Sorry, isn't that strong. Those two words cant always fix things, Justin. It sometimes takes a lot more."
Lois smiled at herself. Wow, she was talking pretty.
"I know" Justin repeated sadly.
"So, what are you going to do?" she asked, rolling onto her side.
"Honestly?" Justin asked, throwing his head back onto his pillow. "That, I don't know."
Lois sighed, rubbing her hand over her forehead.
After all Ryan and Justin had been through, she would be damned if she was going to let that stupid boy screw things up between them. His heart was back in the right place, and he had the desire to fix what he had messed up. All he needed was a little help.
"Well," she said. "I think I do."
