I lost Justin the day of his accident.
He died that night, peacefully in my arms as I slept by his side.
I did not wake to the feeling of his hand on mine. I did not get to see those beautiful blue eyes shining back at me, or get to hear the sound of his voice again.
Instead, I awoke to the sound of a steady tone. A loud, shrill sound that had replaced the constant beeping which signified the beating of his heart.
When I woke, the room was filling with medical staff. At first, I wasn't sure what was going on, until that steady sound hit my ears. I looked down at his body as it lay motionless beside me. He looked so peaceful. As if he was merely sleeping as I had left him the night before. Only this time, he would not awake.
The internal bleeding had continued through the night. The doctors were unable to repair all the damage done when his body hit the steering wheel with such a force that it broke his ribs.
He did not feel pain, or have to deal with the fear of dying. He passed away in his sleep, unaware of his surroundings. He died peacefully.
I don't remember much after waking up that morning. Lance has only told me recently that when the doctors came into the room, confirming that Justin had really died, that I lost all control. I sobbed, holding onto his lifeless body with all my strength, as if I was trying to bring him back. They tried to remove me from his bed, but I only fought them harder, screaming that they were wrong and that he was not gone. He was Justin Timberlake, and he was not going to die. He was not going to leave me and was not going to die like this. After a few short moments, I passed out.
I woke again a few hours later to find myself in another room laying in a hospital bed, JC by my side. I immediately began yelling, frantically demanding to see Justin and screaming that they were wrong. It was all a dream. He wasn't dead, and everything was fine. It was just a dream.
JC only held me. He never once said a word, either to comfort me or reprimand me for my actions. He only sat on the edge of the hospital bed, holding me so tightly that I could not feel anything but his heartbeat against my chest as I cried hysterically into his. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he cried along with me, the two of us holding on to each other for our lives.
The funeral was simple. Only family and close friends. I was so scared when they placed his coffin in the grave, terrified that he was in there, all alone.
He hated to be alone. He was always happiest when with his friends and family. Now he was alone.
And so was I.
JC was appointed by the rest of the guys to say a few words. It was short, but touching. He simply said that even though Justin was gone in body, that his spirit would always be with us. And that we would always remember the happiness he brought to our lives, and the lives of so many around the world. He had barely made it through his speech before the tears fell from his eyes, and he returned to his seat.
Justins family was extremely supportive of me. Lynn helped me more than I can ever express, telling me that even though she lost a son, she would always think of me as a daughter. And thanking me for making Justin so happy in the time that we were together.
For a few months after, I would occasionally wake up in the morning, and go downstairs to make breakfast. I would set out two bowls, two spoons, and Justins favorite cereal. It wouldn't be until I stood at the end of the hall to yell to him that breakfast was ready, that I remembered that he was gone.
Then one morning I woke up, and I knew that he was gone. And even though I still felt that uncontrollable sadness, it didn't seem to endless. I went downstairs, and set only one place at the table. One bowl. One spoon.
That small step, took me eight months.
Losing Justin was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I didn't know how to deal with my hurt, and didn't know how to let my emotions out. I isolated myself from everyone for months, moving in and staying in Justins house alone. I distanced myself from my family and friends, not knowing how to come to terms with losing him. I didn't want them to feel like they had to take care of me. I knew that I would one day be able to grasp it all, but at that moment I was lost.
One day, JC came over and talked with me. We had spent a lot of time talking since Justin had died, finding it easier to talk with each other than anyone else. I had always turned to him first with any problem, knowing that he would do whatever it took to help me through.
He said that writing always helped him sort through his feelings. The thoughts and emotions that he was having trouble sorting through, he found easier to deal with when he wrote them down on paper. Whether it was in songs, or just writing for the sake of writing, he said it was his outlet. His way of making sense of his thoughts and making his own reality if the one he was facing wasn't how he felt it should be.
One night a few days later, as I lay in bed crying, I remembered what he had said. Sitting up in my bed, I pulled out a notebook from my desk and began to write. Not much of it made sense back then. It was mostly angry words, demanding to know why Justin had been taken away from me and blame for myself that it had happened. It was mostly just jibberish from an angry girl. Then eventually, I was able to sort through my anger, to being writing about what I felt, what I had lost, and how I was going to carry on rather than how unfair it was that it had happened.
Because no matter what I did, or what I wrote, it would not undo the reality.
That is why I wrote this. This was my outlet. My escape. In this story, I was able to change reality into my own version. Make things happen the way I wanted them to happen. And in my version, Justin was still alive. He woke up, and worked as hard as I knew he would have if he had been given the chance to pull his life back together. He walked again. He sang again. And we fought to keep our lives together and we made it through the hardest time we would ever face.
In my version of reality, I did not lose the one thing in my life that made me complete.
I found that as I wrote this, my own emotions found their way into it. Justins struggles with dealing with the accident, his determination to put his life back together and pushing away those you cared, was exactly what I had done. I was determined not to depend on anyone else the way I had depended on him, for fear of losing them like I had Justin. I pushed everyone away, because I didn't want to have to feel anything anymore.
The other guys have since moved on with their lives.
Lance now manages other artists full time, and his company is one of the top entertainment groups in the business. He has artists in every genre of music, from country to pop, and says that he feels he has truly found his calling.
Chris now focuses on his clothing line, starting up several FuManSkeeto stores across the country. Each year since Justins death, Chris hosts a charity fashion show, inviting some of the best in the industry to attend. All proceeds go to the Justin Timberlake Foundation.
Lois and Joey turned to each other after Justins death, talking for hours and helping each other through their pain. Like in the story, they ended up together. They are now married and Joey is working as an actor. He and Lois live here in Orlando, just a few blocks from Justins house. They also have a son, who is now two years old. They named him Justin.
JC is now a successful writer, penning songs for some of the music industry's best. He found that writing helped him work through his emotions and anger at Justins death, turning his attention solely on creating the music that they both loved so much.
I will always blame myself for what happened, even though deep down I know there was nothing I could have done to change it. I will always think of the million things that I could have done differently that night to change what happened. If I hadn't called him to rush him. If I hadn't insisted that he come to my little sisters science fair. If I had just gone and picked him up rather than have him come to my house and go from there. So many little things that could have changed that night. So many things that when I look back on now, knowing what happened because of the choice we made, make me wonder what our lives would be like if we had just chosen one of the million other options we had.
Would we still be together? Would we be married? Have children? Or would we have eventually broken up and lost touch with each other? Would Justin and the guys still be recording music together, or would they have all gone on to their separate careers? These questions run through my mind from time to time, and I find myself spending hours wondering about them. All these questions that will never be answered.
There are so many things that I wish I had the chance to tell him now. If I had one more day with him, to tell him everything I ever wanted him to know, I would not waste it. I would tell him just how much be meant to me. How much he still means to me. I would thank him for everything he has brought to my life. For the lessons he taught me, and for the memories I will forever cherish because of him.
I still catch myself listening sometimes, waiting to hear his laughter ring through the house. The sound of him singing as he cooks, or cursing at the TV while he watches sports.
But all I ever heard is silence.
Lois once asked me if I wished I never met Justin. That I never had to go through the devastation of losing him. Never having to sort through the pain, never having to pick up the pieces of my life and heart.
I know that my life would probably have been easier if I hadn't met him. Having to lose someone that important to you is something that I would never wish on anyone. But giving up the pain would also mean giving up the good. The times we spent together. The things he made me feel.
And I wouldn't give that up for the world.
I will always be thankful that I was fortunate enough to have Justin in my life. He made me a better person, teaching me that no matter what you are faced with in life, there is always hope if you are willing to be strong and face your fears.
I will love Justin for the rest of my life. Till the day I die, he will be a part of my heart and soul. He taught me to see things differently, always looking for the good in people rather than the bad.
I once heard a line in a song that said "I believe in love surviving death into eternity." And I do believe that. Just because Justin has passed on, does not mean that I will love him any less. My love for him will survive into eternity.
Even if it was only a short time that I had him in my life, I will always have my memories. The memories of the most amazing person to ever cross my path, and who changed me forever.
The true measure of life is how long you exist after you're gone.
Justin, you will live forever in many. Forever in me.
