I glanced at the woman across the room. She was sitting alone, her eyes dancing across the menu in front of her while her fingers drummed the top of the white tablecloth.
She was beautiful. Which probably made this even worse. That is, if it could get any worse.
I still couldn't understand why I was doing this. I had gone over this scenario in my mind more times that I cared to admit, but now that I was here it didn't seem so easy.
But for some strange reason, I felt like I had to do this. Not that it would change anything. Her knowing wouldn't change any of the feelings of the people involved his this mess. Of course, the fact that she didn't know made it a little strange to me. And the fact that he didn't know that I knew made it even stranger.
But I had to do this. For my own sanity, or just for some of the thousands of stupid reasons that I made up one night while crying and drinking way too much cheap wine as Lois tried for the millionth time to comfort me. Either way, I had to do this.
Standing up from my own table across the small cafe, I made my way over to her. Her eyes remained focused on the menu in her hand as she bit her lip in thought.
As I approached her table, she looked up at me and smiled politely. Just a friendly gesture that everyone does when they make eye contact with a stranger.
I noticed the confused look on her face when I stopped at her table. She hid it well, but it was there.
"Hi." I said nervously. I could feel my stomach begin to churn as I spoke. Oh God, please don't make me throw up on her. That was all I needed to make this horrific experience make it to the top of the "100 stupidest things I could ever do" list.
"Hello." she replied politely. She placed her hand on her knee, which was crossed over the other elegantly. The light blue dress she wore framed her figure perfectly, bringing out the color in her eyes. Her blonde hair fell just below her shoulders. She was the kind of woman most of us always wished to become.
Looking at her sitting there, I could almost understand why he felt the way he did.
Almost.
I took a deep breath, and began what I had promised myself I would do.
"Mind if I sit down?" I asked as I motioned to an empty chair at her table.
She looked at me curiously before nodding and inviting me to take a seat.
As I slid into the chair, I fought to control my shaking hands.
Why was I doing this again?
She looked at me strangely, keeping her polite, sweet smile in place. She had to be wondering who the fuck this stranger was sitting at her table.
"You would like something to drink?" she asked genuinely.
I smiled. She was probably as confused as I was, but was still being gracious.
"I'd like a water." I said quietly. I was having trouble controlling the volume of my voice now.
Flagging down a waiter, she asked for two waters before turning her gaze back to me.
Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and started the speech I had rehearsed for the past six months.
"You don't know me," I said as I opened my eyes to look at her. "But I know who you are."
I could see her eyes widen in a look of shock. That was probably not the best way to start this. I probably made it seem like I was working for the CIA, or something.
Quickly, I spoke up again.
"If I don't look familiar, that is okay. I'm sure you've heard my name, though we've never been introduced." I said before telling her my name.
I could see her thinking hard to where she would have heard my name. Her eyes looking down slightly in thought, before shooting back up to mine. She knew who I was.
"If you've got a minute, can I buy you a drink? I've got something I would like to talk to you about."
She was quiet for a moment before her eyes looked over my shoulder to avoid my stare.
"Justin." she said softly.
I nodded solemnly.
"I know its been over a year, and you are probably wondering why in the world I would be coming up to you now, out of the blue, wanting to talk about him." My eyes fell to my napkin, which I was now running through my hands nervously. "I know it might seem crazy, but last night in his sleep, I heard him call out your name."
Her eyes widened slightly at my revelation. I'm sure she hadn't expected it, but I was still a little surprised at her shock. Surely she had to have known how he felt.
"This isn't the first time, he's done it before." I continued. "And its hard to face the truth." My voice tapered off to a whisper as I forced myself to continue.
I fought back the tears that were pushing me to allow them to fall. I didn't want to cry over this. Not in front of her. I knew she would probably understand, but I still didn't want to show her my emotion. It was bad enough I was doing this, crying over it in front of her would only make me want to jump off a really tall building onto a....................I dont know, something really sharp!
"I know love is a fragile thing, and I'm trying hard to make it last. But its hard to hold on to my dreams, when my dreams are him, and all he's doing is holding on to you."
I wasn't sure if I was making sense, but at this point I didn't care.
She looked at me sadly. I knew she felt bad for me, which is exactly what I didn't want. I didn't want her to feel sorry for the poor little girl that had to follow her and the place she had in his heart.
Feeling myself begin to fall apart, I had to finish this quickly.
"Just one more thing before I go." I said as I stood from my chair. "I'm not here to put you down." I didn't want her to think that I was sulking or blaming her for him holding on to something that didn't want to be held on to. "You don't love him, and that's a fact. You hold his heart in the palm of your hand, and its breaking mine in two. There is nothing I expect from you, or expect you to do. For some reason I wanted you to know, but I know this is my problem. I'm the one who has to deal with this."
Dropping my head, a single tear slid down my cheek before I had the chance to wipe it away. I sniffed lightly as I looked back up at her, as she looked at me with sad eyes.
This wasnt her fault. It really had nothing to do with her. This was all him. He was the one holding on to something that had long ago disappeared. He was the fool.
But if he was a fool for holding on to something that was no longer there, didnt that make me a fool for holding on to something that was never there to begin with?
The waiter returned, placing our drinks on her table. She thanked him politely before looking back at me.
This was my cue to leave.
Shrugging defeatedly, I smiled.
"I'm the fool in love with the fool, who's still in love with you."
