I blinked repeatedly, trying desperately to get the rest of these damn tears out of my eyes. The action only caused more tears to slide down my cheeks.
I flipped over onto my back, staring blankly up at the ceiling above me. The tears still fell, as if they had a mind of their own. I squinted, trying to focus on a spot on my ceiling, but my eyes were clouded by tears.
For some reason, I didn't wipe them away. I simply allowed them to fall, knowing full well that as soon as I removed them from my face, more would come to replace them. What was the point? My pillow was already soaked.
I sighed loudly, causing a quiver in my chin. I sucked in my bottom lip to stop the shaking motions. God damn it! Why was I acting like this? It was my decision. I made the decision all on my own, was certain it was the right decision to make, and I followed it through. But then why was I laying here, staring at my stupid ceiling, crying like a moron? I did the right thing...........didn't I?
I flipped over again, tucking my hands beneath the pillow under my head. My cheek was met with a cold, damp spot on my pillow where tears had fallen a while before. There wasn't much point in moving my head to a dry spot, since there wasn't one.
Staring out at the night sky, dimly shining through my window, I thought back to that night.
He just stared at me, like he didn't understand what I had said. A slightly confused expression played across his face. I did speak in English, right?
"Um," he muttered quietly. His eyes fell to the floor, that same confused expression still on his face as he focused on a spot in the ground at his feet. His hands fumbled nervously as his sides.
Was that all he was going to say? 'Um'? That was one reaction I hadn't had before. Ive had anger. Been called every name in the book. Had a few of them beg, saying that they would do whatever it took to make things right. Hell, I even had one bawl like a baby. But 'Um' was certainly a first.
I looked at him, wondering when he was going to say something more.
It wasn't like he was a bad guy. Because he wasn't. He was probably the most wonderful guy I had ever met. He was sweet, caring, and was just one of those guys that you had to like. And I did like him. That was the problem.
Why couldn't he have just been an asshole? I mean, would it have been so hard for him to just be an asshole? I don't think that's too much to ask. Couldnt he just treat me like shit like all the rest?
But no-o. He had to be a nice guy. He had to leave me notes. Send flowers to my work. Call me in the middle of the day just to say Hi. Didn't he know that he was supposed to cheat? Lie? Go out drinking with his buddies until four in the morning while I sat at home wondering where the hell he was and why he hadn't called yet? Obviously, he slept through that part when they taught that in school.
I wanted to say something to break the horribly awkward silence we were in, but I really had no idea what to say. I had said everything I needed to, and now it was his turn. I waited and waited, but he didn't say anything. He just stared at the fucking floor! I wanted to scream at him to do something! Yell, scream, rant and rave like a lunatic, but do something! This silence was worse than anything else he could do!
Since he wasn't saying anything, I and wasn't about to say anymore, I was forced to stand there, staring at him, thinking to myself.
I thought to when I had told Lois what I was going to do. She thought I was crazy.
"You do this every fucking time!" she yelled. Damn, her voice got really squeaky when she was mad.
"What? What do I do?" As stupid as it may sound, I didn't know what she was talking about. Or at least I didn't want to admit that I knew.
"Every time. Every time you actually start to care about a guy, you dump him. But I never really cared in the past, because you always dumped losers." her voice was still squeaky, but she wasn't breaking the glass with her high-pitched tones anymore. My ear drums were thankful for that. "But for the first time, you actually found a good one. A fucking great one! And you go off and say you're going to do the same stupid-assed thing you always do."
"But I thought you said you didn't care when I did it in the past?" I countered. Hadn't she just contradicted herself?
"Yeah, I said that. And I meant in. In the past, they were assholes. They cheated. They lied, and they treated you like shit." Lois flopped back onto the couch, rubbing her forehead with her hands. "But he's not like that. For Christ sake, he treats you like some kind of princess! He's the first, and only, good guy you have ever been with. He's sweet, successful, and Jesus girl, have you looked at him lately?" She flailed her arms about to make her point clear. As if I needed a reminder. "He's fucking gorgeous!"
"I know he's attractive, Lois. And sweet. But I don't know. I just don't see it going anywhere." I was a horrible liar. Shit, I didn't even believe myself.
"You're a horrible liar, you know that? I bet you don't even believe yourself." she pointed.
Damn, she was good.
"So, you gonna be honest with me now?" she asked, leaning further back into the couch. She crossed her arms over her chest, staring at me like I was supposed to stand up and make a speech on the 101 Reasons Why Not to Love JC Chasez.
"I am being honest. Yes, I adore him, but can you honestly see things working out? I mean, he's never around, and yes he tries hard to make it work, but maybe he just hasn't realized when to give up, ya know? When enough is enough." Maybe if I rambled, I would say enough words to confuse her, and she'll just nod in agreement with me.......
"You are so full of shit, its coming out of your ears."
Maybe not.
"You know what your problem is?" she asked, giving me a know-it-all glance.
'Here it comes.' I thought. 'She always knows what my problem is. God, why did I even tell her.'
"You're afraid to love him" she said, nodding her head affirmatively.
"What?" I gaped at her. Did she really just say that?
"You're afraid to love him" she repeated in the same tone.
Okay, maybe she did just say that.
"Are you serious?" I asked, giving her my best 'whatever' look. "Why would I be afraid to love him?"
"Because you're afraid to have anything good happen to you." She seemed to be going somewhere with this, so I let her continue. "You've had some really shitty relationships in the past, so you've built up this little defense mechanism to keep yourself from being hurt. You dump the guy the moment you start to feel something real. That way, you get out before things get too deep. You dump them, and never look back." The look on her face made it seem like she had just given her acceptance speech at the Nobel Prize.
"That is not true." Yup, that was the best I could come back with. I am a sad, sad, woman.
"Yes it is." she said plainly. "That is why you're dumping him so quickly. It's only been a few months, and he's already working his way into your heart. Usually, its longer than that because the guy you're with is a dumbass. But JC, he is no dumbass. He tries to make you happy, so you're falling for him. But you're so terrified that things wont work out and that he'll leave you sooner or later, you figure its best to end it now so you don't have to have your heart broken."
"Thank you Dr. Lois. Next caller please." I said sarcastically to lighten her serious tone. I smiled at her a little, hoping to break that look off her face.
Didn't work. Didn't her mom ever tell her that her face would freeze like that if she did that?
"I just hope you know what you're giving up." she said sadly. Giving me one last look in the hopes that I would change my mind, she stood up and left the living room.
So here I was, faced with the situation I had been agonizing over since that talk with her. I had gone back and forth for the last two weeks on whether or not I was making the right decision.
Finally, I decided that I was going to just do it. Lois wasn't right. No way she was right. Yeah, I had some shit men in my life before. And yeah, JC wasn't one of them. But did he really think that things would work out? He's a superstar for Christ sake! He was on the road 364 days a year, gorgeous women throwing themselves at him on an hourly basis, with me at home wondering what he was doing. I knew he wouldn't cheat on me, but still. You have so many men in your life cheat on you, worrying about it just becomes a habit after a while. Did he really think that things were going to work? Did he really think that we were going to life happily ever after? If so, I would love to live in his world.
I was doing this for him. Because he deserved someone stronger, who would be able to handle his lifestyle better than I could. I was just tying him down. Yeah, sure I cared about him, and in a way I didn't want to lose him, but I was doing the right thing. He would understand that eventually.
If he ever looked up from that damn floor!
Finally, he sighed. It was a strange sigh. Not one of anger. Not one of horrible sadness. But more like one of loss. It confused me a little.
He looked up, looking me right in the eye. I was a little shocked at first that he had looked directly at me. Usually, when someone dumped you, you didn't look right at them. It was too hard. But he did. He looked directly at me.
Then, he did something that threw my whole basis of reasoning for this right out the freaking window.
He smiled. Not a huge smiled. But a smile never-the-less. The smile matched his sigh. It was a regretful smile, one that made you think he had just lost something important to him.
I could only stare back at him. He still hadn't said anything other than 'Um' in the last ten minutes.
"I'm sorry" I said. I figured it was the only thing I could say. And someone had to say something.
"So am I." he answered sadly. The small regretful smile still played on his lips.
"I didn't mean to hurt you." I said honestly. And I didn't. If I hurt him, I really was sorry.
"I know." he answered again, in that same small, soft, sad voice.
I was starting to wish he would yell. It would be better than that voice. That sad, little, lost boy voice.
He raised his hands and rubbed them across his face, before running them through his hair. Folding his hands behind his head, he looked at me as if waiting for me to say something else.
I said nothing.
"I guess I'm going to go." he finally spoke.
"Okay." I wasn't able to get much more out than that. For some reason, I felt as if I was the one losing something important.
He walked up to me, and put his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into a sincere hug. I returned it tightly, burying my face in the comfort of his neck.
It was not supposed to go like this! He was not supposed to be comforting me! I was supposed to be the strong one, comforting him. He wasn't letting me comfort, damn it!
Rubbing his hand along my back soothingly, he finally pulled back. I looked up and into his clear blue eyes, that same smile still on his lips. I was completely confused by the look. Like he knew something I didn't.
"You know," he whispered. "I feel like I'm losing the best friend I ever had."
That was not fair. He wasn't supposed to say stuff like that. I felt the tears well up in my eyes, but I didn't let them fall.
My only response was a small smile. Anything more, and I would have broke.
"Ill see you later." he whispered before leaning in, and placing a light kiss on my forehead. "Remember, you can call me whenever you need anything. No matter what, I'm always here for you."
Damn him! Damn him straight to hell!
Giving me one last look, he smiled at me, before walking past me and towards the door.
Pulling it open slightly, he stopped. "I just want you to remember something," he said, turning around to give me another look that implied he knew something that I didn't. I turned to look at him, struggling with everything I had not to stop him from walking through that door. "You may have some sleepless nights, when those tears are clouding your eyes." he paused a moment, before finishing the statement that would be repeated in my memory for the rest of my life. "Just remember, it was you who said goodbye."
Before I had a chance to say anything, or stop him, he was gone.
And damn him, he was right.
Here I was, at four in the morning, with tears clouding my eyes. Thinking back to the night when I made the biggest mistake of my life, and let the one person in the world I ever loved walk out that door because I was too afraid to let myself feel what I always wanted to feel with the wrong people.
As I stared out at the sky, I thought back to the look on his face. That look of knowing. And I knew exactly what it was the he knew, that I hadn't known then.
That I would be here, like this, now.
