I fought to control my emotions as I placed another pile of clothing in the small box on the bed. Clothes, CDs, pictures and other various items surrounded me as I packed it all up in these plain, brown boxes. As I packed up everything I owned and everything I knew, to move out. To move away from the one thing I didn't want to leave behind.
Shaking my head at myself, I turned around to gather another bundle of clothing that was lying on the floor across the room. Picking up the pile, a plain blue t-shirt fell from my arms and onto the floor in a soft heap. I looked down at the shirt, the sight causing my face to crumple.
It was his.
Staring down at the shirt a moment longer, I gently placed the other articles of clothing in the box on the bed, before returning to pick up the focus of my attention.
I didn't remember placing it with my things. I was probably not thinking at all when I was gathering everything up the day before.
Running my fingers over the soft material, I brought the shirt up to my face, breathing deeply.
I could still smell his cologne.
My lip quivered as I fought back my tears. I didn't think I had any tears left, but they kept on coming. All through the day before, all through the night as I tossed and turned, dreading this day that had come way too fast. And through most of today as I packed up the life I had made with him.
Holding the shirt tightly in my hands, I sat on the edge of the bed.
I didn't know what to do. I felt completely lost at that moment. More lost than I had ever felt in my entire life.
The thought of giving up on him pained me like I could never explain. How was I supposed to let the best thing in my life just walk away? How was I to be expected to just start over?
I knew what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to pick the pieces up, and start over. That's what people did, right? When they broke up with someone, they started over.
But I didn't want to start over! I wanted to work this out and show him that we were worth fighting for, damn it!
JC told me that there was no point in fighting for him, when he wasn't willing to fight for me. I got really angry at him, called him a few choice names, but deep down I knew he was right. Stupid ass. He was already right, and I fucking hated that.
Even though things had fallen apart between us, the other guys had been really good to me. They promised that I would still be their little 'ladybug' and that they would keep in touch with me. I knew they would try, and probably would call from time to time for the first little while. But how were they expected to carry on a friendship with the exgirlfriend of their band mate? Not exactly the most simple thing in the world to do.
I couldn't understand where it had happened. Where or when we had let it all fall apart.
We used to be so happy. He would always joke that we shared the stars above, before smirking at the tiny star tattoo on my shoulder.
I would never be able to look at the stars the same way again. I didn't want to think that it all changed. That his words would no longer meant anything.
Justin said I had to move on. Just get away and catch up to the world.
I found that a little funny, considering that for the past three years, he had been my life. And now I was expected to just leave it all behind? To escape the only thing I had known for the past few years? To escape the love that I would forever know?
Not fucking likely.
Where was I supposed to go? He was always on my mind, and you cant escape your mind, right? Where could I go to get away from the pain of loving him?
Sniffing back another sob, I stood from the edge of the bed, and gently placed the blue t-shirt inside the box with the rest of my clothes.
Taping the box closed, I reached down and pulled another empty one up to the bed.
I only had a few more hours before he would be home, and the last thing I wanted to do was see him. Even though it was also the only thing I wanted to do.
Running my hands over my face, I shook my head vigorously to break up my thoughts. If I kept thinking like this I was going to drive myself insane.
I rolled my eyes at myself as "I Drive Myself Crazy" popped into my head.
Sighing loudly, I crossed the room and began to gather the items on the dresser.
This was the hardest part, which is why I had saved it for last.
All the pictures. Pictures from our first date. Our first anniversary. The New Years party where Joey fell in the pool and somehow got his arm stuck in the filter. All the memories that I would never be able to forget.
Just as I knew I would, I began to think of what I could have changed. Maybe if I said something different or did something different, this wouldn't be happening?
I didn't want this to happen. Sometimes we do things against our will, without thinking or meaning what we say or do. Moving out was definitely not something I wanted to do.
Grabbing the photos, I placed them on top of each other before rushing over and placing them carefully in the empty box. I reached down and placed another shirt on top, covering the images that stared back at me. I didn't want to see them just then. This was hard enough without having to look at the times when we were happy.
Turning around, I scanned the room again. It looked very different from how it had that morning.
Many of the pictures were gone, small items from the dresser and night stand were now placed in the various boxes around the room. I had even packed up the giant plush ladybug that Chris had given me as a birthday present. Everyone had laughed when he gave it to me, but he was convinced it was the perfect present.
"Just incase you forget that you'll always be our bug." he said sweetly. "Even if hes being an asshole." he commented in a soft whisper as he motioned towards Lance. He only rolled his green eyes at Chris, before turning around to talk to Joey.
Going over a little mental checklist in my head, I thought hard to see if I was forgetting anything. Convinced that I had everything I needed, I gathered the last few boxes and carried them down to the front door.
Three suitcases, and more larger boxes waited downstairs to be loaded into Joeys car. He had been nice enough to help me move, even though he knew he would probably get the cold shoulder for a while for doing it.
Placing the boxes from my arms to sit with those that waited at the door, I straighten my back to look around the house.
I didn't want to leave this house. I loved this house. I still remembered the day we picked it out two years ago. We had been so excited, running around from room to room as we planned out where everything would go. I smiled at the memory.
"Is this the last of it?" Joey asked as he emerged from the living room. He smiled at me weakly, noticing my emotional eyes.
"Yeah. This is it." I said as I looked down at the boxes behind me.
It felt a little strange that everything I owned seemed to fit in these various sized boxes. That was pretty sad to me that my life fit inside only enough boxes to fill a car.
Leaning down, Joey picked up a couple boxes and carried them out to his car. Within a few moments, everything was loaded up and ready to go.
Everything but me, that is.
Returning to the house, Joey stood behind me as I looked around the room in front of me.
Looking up to the wall on my right, I noticed a familiar picture.
It had been taken at last years Grammy awards, at some after party that I couldn't even remember the name of now. It had been an amazing night. We danced and talked and had more fun in those few hours than we had had in the previous three months. It was almost as if all our problems disappeared, and for a brief moment, we were happy again. We had even talked about the things that had been happening between us. The fights, and everything. He said he would do anything to make sure that we stayed together. That he didnt want to lose me.
And now here I was. Lost to him.
A lonely tear slid down my face as I looked at the picture.
I had been so sure of everything that night. Sure that things would work out. That we were just going through a rough spot and we would be able to work through it. Things like this happened all the time, but you could fix it if you were willing to work at it. And I had been more than willing.
Now, there wasn't much I knew for sure anymore. Except maybe one thing.
All I knew was that I loved him still.
"Are you ready to go?" Joey called softly behind me, placing a hand gently on my shoulder.
Turning my head slightly to look at him from the corner of my eye, I nodded solemnly.
I followed him out the front door, turning to give the house one last look before closing the door for the last time.
As I walked behind Joey towards his car, my heart broke for the millionth time.
Ready to go? I thought. Ready to go where?
I slid into the passenger seat of Joeys car, closing the door at my side. I stared out the window at the world around me. The world I was now alone in.
Where do I go from here?
