Lauren took her time driving home. She knew there wasn't much awaiting her back at the house, so what was the rush? The chances of JC being home were slim, which would mean she would be alone. But if he was there, more than likely they would end up in another fight, and she wasn't in the mood for another screaming match. He had already won the first two, and she wasn't prepared to find out if third times a charm.
The only thing that was probably waiting for her at home was Justin watching TV in his underwear. That wasn't something she cared to see again.
With a soft sigh, she tilted her head to rest it on the fingers reaching out from her arm which was propped up on the edge of the drivers door. The windows were down, sending a flurry of wind whipping through her car. She could faintly hear the noise of the traffic around her, which was mostly drowned out by the sound of her radio. The warm breeze brushed her neck, sending her hair flying around her face, which she continuously pushed back behind her ear.
She usually hated driving. It wasn't something she ever took too much enjoyment in like some other people. But on the odd occasion, like tonight, when she left she had a lot to think about or even a lot to escape, it was a form of release to her. Turning up the radio to lose herself in the music thundering around her, she was just driving with no real worry on where she was headed or when she would get there.
She didn't quite feel like going home. She didn't know what she wanted to do.
No, wait. That was a lie. She did know what she wanted to do. But the one thing she wanted to do most in the world wasn't a possibility to her anymore. The one thing she wanted to do most in the world was tell JC how she felt, and she had lost that chance when had she lied to him.
Tapping a slender finger on her temple, Lauren lost herself in her thoughts.
'Why did I lie to him about this? Its such a stupid fucking thing to lie about!' she scolded herself. 'Yes, if I told him about the other stuff then he would probably run off and pull the knight is shining armor crap again, but at least I wouldn't lose him. At least there would be a chance to work things out, and he would be talking to me. Instead I spent the entire day yesterday having 'Joey Fun' and the entire night crying to Justin.'
Lauren shook her head, turning to rub her tired eyes with her hand.
"And I thought my life was shit before." she spoke aloud.
Pulling her head away from her hand, she looked around the empty car. Turning back to return her attention to the light traffic around her, she laughed aloud at herself.
"Oh hell, Lauren. Now your freaking talking to yourself!"
With a frustrated grunt, she chastised herself. 'No more thinking about this. There is nothing more you can do, and its up to him now whether or not he forgives you and can get over this.'
With a small, self-assuring nod, she finalized her self-pity fest and turned her attention to the radio. She needed something that would take her mind off JC.
A song she didn't recognize was playing, so she flipped the station buttons attempting to locate a song that would possibly lift her spirits. Or at least make her stop talking to herself.
She smiled when the stations actually changed. She thought back to a few months ago when Joey had borrowed her car, and had changed all the stations to the same one. It was the top pop station in Orlando, which played NSyncs music regularly. He had told her that he didn't understand how a woman could have a pop station, country station, rock station, and even an easy listening station programmed into her car. To him, that just wasn't right.
Pushing the third button, she pulled her hand away when recognizing the loud song playing from the speakers. The song was more than half over, but this was more like it.
'I tried so hard..............And got so far.............But in the end..............It doesn't even matter............I had to fall..............And lose it all...............But in the end..............It doesn't even matter...........'
Laurens head began to bob slightly to the music blaring around her as she lost herself in the sound. The beat softened slightly.
'I put my trust in you..........Pushed as far as I can go...........And for all this...............There's only one thing you should know............'
A small smile pressed her lips as she awaited the songs reach and the hard pounding of the beat again.
'I put my trust in you........Pushed as far as I can go..........And for all this................There's only.............. one thing you should know............I tried so hard..................And got so far..............But in the end...............It doesn't even matter...............I had to fall...........And lose it all...............................But in the end................It doesn't even matter'
The soft piano sounds signaled the end of the song, and Laurens smile widened slightly. She always loved that song. She was a fan of all types of music, but a good, hard rock song always held a certain strength about it. They were always the best and easiest things to lose yourself in.
The next song began to play, and Laurens smile fell. She recognized it from the first note played.
'This Romeo is bleeding.......but you cant see his blood........its nothing but some feelings.........that this old dark kicked up...........Its been raining since you left me......now Im drowning in the flood.........you see Ive always been a fighter.......but without you, I give up.......'
Its not that she didn't love this song. It was without a doubt one of her favorites, and in her opinion, one of the most well written and performed love songs of all time. But a love song was not what she had in mind right now. Even if it was Bon Jovi.
'Now I cant sing a love song.....like the way its meant to be........well I guess Im not that good anymore......but baby, thats just me...........and I.......will love you...........always......'
Finally she couldn't take it anymore, and hit the next button on her stereo. She had never turned off that song before, but at that moment, she needed something else.
As soon as the first note played on the station she chose next, she pulled her hand back immediately. This was her all time favorite song; the one she had told Justin about, and no matter how depressed she was, she was not going to turn it.
'Looking back..........on the memory of.............the dance we shared..........'neath the stars above..........for a moment.................all the world was right............how could I have known..........that you'd ever say goodbye............'
A smile again appeared on Laurens lips, as they silently began to sing the words to the song.
'And now............I'm glad I didn't know..............the way it all would end...........the way it all would go...............our lives...........are better left to chance.............I could have missed the pain................but I'd of had to miss the dance............'
That song had always meant something to her, no matter when she heard it. No matter what mood she was in, or what was going on around her, the message was so simple that it applied to anything and everything. No matter how much crap you encountered, would you really be willing to give up all the good stuff, just because of the bad?
'Holding you.............I held everything.......for a moment.........wasn't I a king............but if I'd only known..........how the king would fall.........hey who's to say...........you know I might have changed it all.............'
Her smile grew, and she faintly began to sing along to the radio, her own voice drowned out by the volume of the music around her.
'And now..........I'm glad I didn't know.............the way it all would end...........the way it all would go...........our lives.............are better left to chance............I could have missed the pain..........but I'd of had to miss the dance............yes my life............is better left to chance........I could have missed the pain...........but I'd of had to miss the dance..............'
The beautiful piano medley that completed the song had always made Lauren very aware of the beating of her heart. She never understood why, but it always had. It was just one of those songs that took you away, and made you look at everything around you.
Thinking back to her own interpretation of the song, her own summary of its meaning, she smiled. Would she have missed the good just because of the bad?
No way in hell.
Pulling off the highway, Lauren headed for home. It usually took her about twenty-five minutes to get from Janssyns to JCs, but she was taking her time. She wasn't even home yet and it had taken her over half an hour to get where she was.
Surprisingly, she was enjoying the drive. She was enjoying the sound of the radio around her. Her own thoughts, even. She had to fight to keep them away from her troubles, but she was doing a pretty good job provided there was a good song on the radio.
Slowly driving through the small town that sat a few minutes outside the entrance to JCs suburban area, Lauren took notice of a small park ahead on her right. It was deserted, considering no kids would be out playing at this time of night. There was a small swing set, a couple slides, and Laurens favorite. The teeter-totter.
Smiling to herself, she slowed the car and pulled in to the parking lot of the park. Turning the key back far, she set the radio to an easy listening station, and left it to continue to play as she sat on the swings directly beside where she had stopped.
Stepping out, she slowly made her way over to the small swings which swayed in the warm night breeze. Turning and leaning back, she sat in the first swing, wrapping her arms around the chain supports.
She kept her feet lightly touching the ground, pushing gently to propel her in a slow swinging motion. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply, taking in the calm night air.
It was a beautiful night. The moon hung high in the sky, surrounded by the millions of shining stars that greeted the earth every night. The weather was warm, and unless a small breeze blew from time to time, you would not have been able to feel the air. It was as if there was no air around you at all.
The music continued to play faintly from Laurens car, the sounds playing out the open windows into the quiet night air. The sound was faint, but distinctive. It was the perfect volume to add to the calmness of the surroundings.
Lauren recognized the next song playing, although she didn't actually know the words. She remembered hearing it in a movie Chris had made her watch. Driven, she believed it was called. She had always enjoyed car movies. Fast and the Furious and Gone in 60 Seconds were some of her favorites. Even though she knew even less about cars than she did about rocket science, she always considered herself a motor-girl. She loved fast cars, even if she couldn't drive them.
Returning her thoughts to the song spilling from the car, Lauren closed her eyes and took in the sound.
'Soon Baby.........I will cry my last tear.........Soon yeah...................I will be over you........Soon darlin'.............All these tears wont be here...........Soon yeah........'
For some reason, she had'nt really remembered the message in this song, but as it played back to her the words struck her, forcing themselves into her mind.
'You know that I will be over you Soon..........one night baby you wont be in my dreams..........One night yeah..................Ill finally make it through one night darlin'...............I wont call out your name................I wont be in this place................Soon I will be over you.......'
She thought hard to try and remember where in the movie this song was played. Thinking back, she vaguely remembered it to be in the background when the girl, Estella Warren, was watching her race car driving exboyfriend, win races or something. Or was it the current race car driving boyfriend winning races? Why it mattered, she had no idea. Its not like it was earth shatteringly important to remember when this song was played in some movie, but she had to try and refocus her thoughts away from the words that seemed to drill into her.
'Soon as the mountains turn into rivers.......Soon as the sea turns into sand.........Soon as the sun comes up at midnight..........That's how Soon.............'
As the song finally ended, Lauren could only think of JC. Would she ever be over him? That sure as hell wouldn't be soon.
Thankfully, another song started up, but this one was not much more help in keeping her thoughts from JC. This one had always made her think of him, and to have to listen to it now seemed like some kind of unfair punishment.
Still, she stayed in her place on the swing, gently rocking her legs back and forth. Her eyes locked on a blade of grass a few feet in front of her. It swayed gently in the light breeze, waving from side to side.
'Oh..........Why you look so sad.............tears are in your eyes............Come on and come to me, now...........'
She had always liked this song, even though it was an older one. She remembered it played in some movie as well, but for the life of her she couldn't remember which.
'Don't.........Be ashamed to cry.............Let me see you through.............Cause I've seen the dark...... side, too..........'
Her eyes stayed locked on the blade of grass in front of her, her legs continuing to glide her back and forth on the swing.
'When the night falls on you..............You don't know what to do...........Nothing you confess.........Could make me love you less..............'
Now that lyric wasn't fair. Was thing song deliberately written for this moment? For this situation that she was facing right now? If so, why couldn't JC be the one sitting here listening to it!
'I'll stand by you...........I'll stand by you...............Won't let nobody hurt you...........I'll stand by you...........'
He always had. He had always stood by her no matter what. But now, it didn't look like he was going to anymore.
'So.........If you're mad, get mad................don't hold it all inside..............come on and talk to me...... now.............'
There it goes again! Playing words that were directed at the wrong freaking person! Damn it, where was her tape recorder!
'Hey................what you got to hide..............I get angry too,..................Well I'm a lot like you.........'
Lauren tried to block out the words, concentrating harder on that tiny blade of grass. Oh what she wouldn't give to be that blade of grass right now. At least it didn't have man problems. Of course, being cut in half by a swinging blade on a lawnmower couldn't be all that much fun, either.
'When you're standing at the crossroads........And don't know which path to choose..........Let me come along............Cause even if you're wrong..........'
The little blade of grass waved at her, standing out from the rest around it as she locked her eyes on it harder.
'I'll stand by you.........I'll stand by you..........Won't let nobody hurt you.........I'll stand by you.......'
Jesus, did this song never end?
'Take me in into your darkest hour.........And I'll never desert you.............I'll stand by you..........And when...........When the night falls on you baby............You're feelin' all alone..........You won't be on your own............'
That's it, she needed a pen and paper to write this shit down! This was exactly the words that JC needed pounded into this hard head!
'I'll stand by you...........I'll stand by you...........Won't let nobody hurt you..........I'll stand by you........'
Yeah, yeah, she got that part. Too bad she was standing alone right now.
'Take me in into your darkest hour.......and I'll never desert you...........I'll stand by you..........I'll stand by you..............Won't let nobody hurt you.............I'll stand by you.........'
Just when she couldn't take anymore, the song finally ended.
Much to her surprise, she hadn't cried. The songs playing seemed to be playing to her, forcing her to think of the one thing she didn't want to, but thankfully they hadn't pressed her to the breaking point. Yet.
Almost as if the radio DJ had read her thoughts, the one song she prayed she wouldn't have to hear softly began to play from the car. Now this just wasn't fair.
"When the visions around you.........bring tears to your eyes...........and all that surrounds you........are secrets and lies............Ill be your strength.........Ill give you hope...........keeping your faith when its gone.........the one you should call..........was standing here all along..........."
Tears formed in her eyes as the words to the song penetrated her mind. For the first time, those words held a deeper meaning. JC was her strength. He was her hope. And looking back, she realized that the one she should call really had been standing there all along.
"And I will take........you in my arms........and hold you right where you belong.........till the day my life is through............this I promise you............this I promise you.........."
The tears in her eyes seemed to be pushing at her to allow them to fall. But she didn't. She just continued to listen to the song playing from the car, as JCs smooth voice replaced Justins.
"Ive loved you forever........in lifetimes before..........and I promise you never...........will you hurt anymore...........I give you my word............I give you my heart..............this is a battle we've won.........and with this vow........forever has now begun..........."
A single tear forced its way from her eye, falling slowly down her cheek leaving a wet trail that went cold as the warm night breeze touched it. With a trembling hand, she wiped it away gently. Losing her focus on the tiny blade of grass that had been her security for the past few moments, she lost herself in the thoughts she hadn't wanted to have. She thought back to the look on JCs face. The words that he had said, and the anger he seemed to be hanging onto so tightly. Looking back on all that, her shoulders slumped defeatedly.
She wasn't so sure that they would win this battle.
