It was killing him.
Slowly, painfully, almost tauntingly. It was eating him alive.
He didn't usually feel this way. This was his lifestyle, and he was used to it. It wasn't easy, but somehow over the years he had grown accustom to being away from home. Away from his family. His friends.
Away from her.
But no matter how accustom he was, it didn't change the fact that sometimes, on days like this, it drove him to the brink of insanity.
Its not that he didn't love his career. To him, there was nothing better in the world. It was his life, his outlet and his escape. For those few hours on stage; he was free.
It was an odd sense of freedom, but a sense of freedom never the less. Free of the demands. Free of the pressures of his hectic life. Free of the nagging media, hounding him for the smallest piece of information on his life. It bothered him to no end that he had to be so careful in his life. In his actions and choices, he knew there were more consequences than normal people faced. Things that only he should know, were plastered on every magazine cover in the world in the blink of an eye. One small mistake could jepordize his career, which was something he wasn't willing to do.
But when he was on that stage, it was almost as if as he stood with thousands of people staring at him, watching his every move, and waiting for him to say anything at all, and yet he was somewhere else. Somewhere only he could go, and somewhere that he was safe. Doing what he loved, for people he loved to do it for. They were captivated by him, and that power was exhilarating.
The life he had been able to live at such a young age was one millions dreamed of. The success. The opportunities. The fame.
But to everything, there is also a drawback. And this was it.
With the fame, came the responsibilities. And with those responsibilities, came the traveling, the touring and the loneliness.
The loneliness that was driving him insane.
Staring blankly at the ceiling above him, Justin sighed quietly to himself.
'Another hotel' he thought. 'Another place away from the only place I want to be'
Leaning forward, Justin raised himself up slightly from the bed, resting his weight back on his elbows as his electric blue eyes scanned his surroundings.
It was a nice room. Simple, but elegant. The large king size bed he was laying on was the main fixture in the room, flanked by two matching nigh stands on either side of the headboard. A lamp on either one; a phone on the one to his right. A TV sat across the room from him, silently playing a movie that he couldn't name. To his left, he could faintly see a soft white light pouring from beneath the closed bathroom door. At his right, a small table surrounded by three simple chairs. His suitcase thrown on one of the chairs, with his CDs, a novel he was reading, and several magazines scattered across the tabletop. He could faintly hear the sounds of the city outside the large sliding glass doors that led to the balcony. A gentle evening breeze ruffled the long drapes as it blew in from the partially open door.
It was just like all the other rooms he had been in. Just like the thousands of other hotels, in the thousands of other cities.
He groaned, throwing himself back to the bed.
He hated it when he got in moods like this. He was usually such a happy, upbeat person, and knew it was pointless sulking about something like this. Sometimes he felt selfish and foolish for whining about the traveling. Most people he knew would love the opportunity to experience a fraction of the things he had been able to enjoy. But that didn't stop him from having his moments of depression. His moods where he would give up all the fame, money and status for just a few moments with those he cared for most. A few moments of anonymity.
Rolling his head over, he looked at the small framed photo on the night stand to his right. A smile inadvertently came to his face.
God, he missed her. What he wouldn't give to be with her right now. She made all the insanity of his life seem so far away just by the way she smiled. With her, he was just a normal man, who just happened to have a not so ordinary career. With her, he was just Justin.
His smile grew as he looked at the picture. Reaching a long, strong arm across the bed, he picked the picture from the stand and brought it to his face.
Sighing, he ran a finger gently over the glass. Tracing the lines of her face, he found comfort in the image staring back at him.
She was his one link to reality. A reality he felt so far away from most of the time. Looking at the clock, he felt tempted to call her. It was midnight. He knew she wouldn't mind him calling at such a late hour. She knew how tired he got near the end of a tour, and always told him to call her whenever he felt he needed a reality check. Just hearing her voice brought him back home, and he would give anything to be there right now. But it was too late, and he didnt want to call her at this hour.
Turning his attention back to the picture in his hands, he smirked at it.
She really was one of a kind. He had been captivated by her the moment he saw her. He had seem millions of women. Perks of the job. But she was different. He could tell that just by looking at her.
And boy was he right.
He thought his heart had stopped when she turned him down when he first asked her out. He was sure the look on his face was funny, but he couldn't help the shock. Usually women were throwing themselves at him, and she said no? Not to sound egotistical, but what the fuck?
She had politely said that she had no interest in dating a celebrity. That relationships were difficult enough without the added pressures of fame. She said she was sure he was a very nice guy, but that she had to decline his offer to dinner.
She was so polite about it, he had smiled. Just for a second, however. Until the realization hit him that she had actually said no. Then, his smile turned into a slight frown. His jaw dropped ever so slightly, and his eyes furrowed his confusion.
She had smiled at him, and the look on his face before laughing.
"I take it you've never been turned down before?" she laughed.
He continued to stare at her. He had seen her lips move, but hadn't heard the words that escaped from them. He was still hearing the word 'No thanks' repeating in his head. Shaking his head at himself, he brought himself back from his state of shock.
"Excuse me?" he said, shaking his head a little. "I missed that."
She smiled at him again. "I just said that by the look on your face, I take it you haven't been turned down before." she repeated.
"No," he replied, immediately wishing he had just kept his mouth shut. "I mean, yes." Closing his eyes, he sighed. "I mean, yes, I have been turned down before." Opening his eyes, he smiled at her. "Just not recently."
She tilted her head at him. "Well, I'm sorry I broke your winning streak." Her saucy smile made it clear that she was teasing him.
He grinned back. "Ah well." he shrugged. "I guess Ill just have to start all over." Taking another step closer to her, he widened his smile. "Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?"
She laughed, shaking her head at him. He didn't miss the fact that she had taken a step back from him when he had taken the one towards her. Sighing, she gave him a pitiful look. "You always get what you want, don't you?"
"Not always." he admitted. "But I like it that way. The real things that matter in life wont matter unless you work for them." Crossing his arms over his chest, he lowered his chin. "Good thing I'm a hard worker."
Again, she laughed at him.
Justin couldn't place what it was about her. The smile. The laugh. The way she stood with such a sense of confidence, that she unknowingly commanded the attention of the entire room. But there was something about her that made him want to work for her attention.
Looking down at her feet, she sighed. Shaking her head at herself, she brought her bright blue eyes back to his. "I'm sorry, Justin." she said, shrugging her shoulders. "But I just don't think it's a good idea."
He smiled at her answer, and she was puzzled. Moments before, he had almost fell over when she turned him down, and now he was smiling? She knew he wasn't going to give up easily, but neither was she. Its not that she wasn't attracted to him. That was definitely not the case. And it wasn't that she doubted he was a nice guy. Again, not the case at all. It was just the fact that she had had her heart broken before, and wasn't sure if she was ready to do it again. Not yet. And especially not with someone who even if they broke up, would always be in front of her. On every magazine cover. Every television set.
"That's okay." he said, placing his hands in his pockets. Rocking back and forth on his heels, he grinned mischievously at her. "You'll change your mind."
Three months, a hundred phone calls and a 10 page note on the 1001 Reasons to Date Justin Timberlake later, he was right.
It was her resistance that had peaked his interested. But it was her heart, her spirit and her grace that had kept it.
Everything about her made him love her more. He would die for her without a second thought, just as he knew she would for him. She had become the best and most important thing in his life, and even forever with her didn't seem long enough.
But here he was, miles away from her in New York City, while she was at home in Orlando. Alone in yet another dark hotel room, another strange city. Away from the only thing that would give him comfort.
He had been on the road for the last three months. She had been out to see him when they were in Los Angeles three weeks ago, and it was all Justin could do to keep himself from locking her in the bus to keep her from going home.
It seemed as if it was when she left that he began to feel this way. This uncontrolable sense of restlessness, axiety and lonliness overtook him a few days after she went back home. The other guys reassured him that they had all felt that way many times, and that the feeling would pass. It had now been three weeks, and he still hadn't been able to shake the feeling.
He had been tempted to go home for a couple days the weekend before when they had a short break, but knew it would be more hectic than it was really worth. He told himself he could tough it out and just make it through the tour. Then, he would be home and could really relax.
Placing the frame back on the night stand, Justin pushed himself back up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He stared blankly at the floor for a moment, as if it held the answer to his life. He massaged his toes into the dark green carpet, the sensation waking him up a little.
Rubbing his hands over his face, he pushed himself up from the bed and walked over to the window. He could feel the cool air blowing into the room as he approached. Sliding the door open further, he ventured out into the cool night air.
Stepping up to the edge of the balcony, Justin peered over the edge as he leaned his elbows on the railing.
The steady buzzing of the busy city sounded around him. He watched as the tiny people 25 floors below him scurried along the sidewalks, all quickly making their way through the crowds. Even at midnight, it was still busy. The city that never sleeps was certainly living up to its reputation.
Watching the tiny people below him, he found himself wondering how many of them felt the way he did right now? Did they feel this way at this very moment? Did they want nothing more than to be home with the ones they cared about? Were the pressures of their lives building up on them to the point of driving them mad? Did any of those hundreds of people have this insatiable urge to do something, but they didn't know what?
Justin leaned back from the railing, sitting down to hang his legs over the edge of the balcony. Dangling his feet in the air, he laid back on the cool floor. The emptiness at his feet was exhilerating, while the cool feeling of the tiles at his back combined with the breeze blowing through his air brought his senses alive. The chill in the air was refreshing, and he smiled to himself as he closed his eyes.
It had been yet another busy day. They were scheduled to perform three concerts in New York City over the next four days before moving on to Philadelphia tomorrow afternoon. The first two shows had gone by in a blur, like most of the concerts did to him. It was rare that he ever remembered much of them. It was too repetitive for anything to stand out unless something different actually happened. They had a day off, which Justin spent the majority of sleeping. Their final show was three hours ago, and Justin was thankful it was over.
The moment he stepped off that stage, the only thing he could think of was getting back to the hotel and sleeping. When Justin told that to Joey, he laughed and told him he was starting to sound like JC.
But now, here he was back at the hotel and for the life of him he couldn't sleep. He had laid in bed for almost an hour before giving up and deciding to watch a movie. That hadn't help either, and he had muted the sound to opt for staring blankly at the ceiling.
All he could think about that getting this tour over with. Only one more week, and he would be home. Back where he could relax and be normal. Enjoy the small, insignificant things in life like driving his own car. Watching his own TV. Even doing his own dishes. Things that most people took for granted, he found himself craving.
He almost groaned at the thought, as it seemed so far away.
Just a little longer, and he would be home. He kept telling himself that over and over, hoping it would help him get through the days a little easier. But all it did was remind him of the fact that there was still more time before he could go home, so he had dropped that plan.
Raising up to lean his weight on his elbows, Justin opened his eyes.
He was going insane sitting here, and needed to get out. He needed to go out and move, get his mind off things. If he just kept busy, the time would go faster. Sitting here wallowing wasn't accomplishing anything other than making him more anxious.
The guys had told him repeated to get out and do something to take his mind off his anxiety. He was only making it worse by sitting around and sulking.
Justin knew he needed a change. Something different in his life to make things more interesting. Sure, his job was certainly exciting at times, but after a while even the most interesting interviews became repetative.
He needed excitement. He needed to feel alive again, or all he would do was sit around each hotel room until the tour ended, wishing he was home.
Even if it was just for a little while, he needed to get out and live.
Pushing himself back to his feet, Justin quickly entered his room, sliding the glass door closed behind him.
Glancing at the clock, he pursed his lips. Twelve twenty. He could go out for a couple hours, have a few drinks and just be normal for a little while before having to reenter the world of NSync. Hell, it had been way too long since he had gone to a club.
Nodding his head at his idea, Justin turned off the TV, and turned on the bedside lamps. The yellow glow illuminated the room, as he rummaged through his suitcase in search of something other than his pajamas to wear.
He considered calling over to Joeys room to see if he wanted to come along, but decided against it. He just wanted to go out alone for a while, and the attention they would attract if they went out together would defeat the purpose. Hopefully he would be able to go and enjoy a night out without having to be reminded that he was that guy from NSync.
Pulling a pair of black jeans and a blue shirt from his bag, Justin hurried over to the bathroom.
After a quick shower, he changed and was ready to hit the town.
Grabbing his room key and wallet, he threw on his jacket.
Tonight would be about escaping. Whether he went out and danced his ass off, or got completely drunk, either way he wasn't going to think about being lonely anymore. Not tonight.
Pulling open his door, Justin quickly flicked off the lights, leaving his room in darkness.
Just for tonight, he was going to escape his reality.
