The buses rolled down the long stretch of highway, gently rocking as they headed on their way to the next city. The steady hum of the engines combined with the chattering voices of the occupants inside the buses made it difficult for anyone to sleep during the day drives.
But that wasn't why Justin couldn't sleep. He was oblivious to the noise around him. The sound of JC sitting at the kitchen table, his keyboard sending a soft melody through the bus as he worked on his latest song. Lance, rambling away on his cell phone, doing business as usual. Their bodyguards laughing at the television and discussing some of the crazy antics of the fans during their stay in New York City.
It was as if Justin was on the bus alone, completely locked away from anyone else. Laying in his bunk in the back of the bus, the curtain slid across, as if blocking out the world, he lay motionless. Staring at the bunk above him, his mind was still. Not a thought, or an emotion going through his body.
He was afraid to think. If he thought about anything, it would inevitably turn into thoughts of what he had woken up to that morning. Thoughts to what he had done the night before that he couldn't even remember. The fact that when he saw Erin again, he would immediately be reminded of only his sins.
The night before, he had been wishing to be with her. Just to be near her again. To do nothing more than sit on the couch, watching some stupid old movie that she loved to make him watch, just holding her.
Now, he was dreading it. He was terrified to see her again. Convinced that the moment she laid eyes on him, she would know. She would know of his infidelity, and she would leave his life forever.
He had been able to act pretty normal after leaving his room and joining the rest of the group in the lobby of the hotel. He hadn't any choice. There was a small group of fans outside the hotel doors, held back by a barricade. The buses were parked out front, and he would have to go through that crowd to get to the safety of the bus.
It was something he had done a million times before. He was used to having to deal with the crowds. Doing the waves, smiles and autographs for those who supported him, his career, and the lives and careers of his friends.
But at this moment, he wanted nothing more than to be alone. He didn't want to have to face his fans. Hell, he didn't even want to have to face himself.
Luckily, security had rushed them out to the buses, saying that there was no real time for autographs. Running out to the buses, Justin was deafened by the screams of the girls as they exited the hotel. For a few seconds, his heart raced, as it always did at that sound, and he moved quicker.
Stepping up on the bus, he breathed a sigh of relief. Moving towards the back, he threw his overnight bag on the couch and ran his hands over his face. Sitting by a window, he leaned his head on the cool glass as the buses began to pull away, leaving the fans behind.
JC had come up and sat beside him, grinning. "Man, you look awful."
Justin rolled his eyes at him. "Thanks, man. That means a lot."
JC laughed. "Aw com'on." he smiled. "You not get your beauty sleep last night?"
"Not really." Justin said, his eyes locked on the outside world on the other side of the window.
Noticing Justins far off stare, JC frowned. "You okay, man?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." Justin said, turning his eyes to his friend. "Really, man, I'm fine. I'm just getting anxious to get home. I'm tired of touring already." Now, Justin wasn't lying. It was true that he was tired of touring and wanted to go home. All of the guys knew that, so it was a perfect excuse for his odd behavior.
And thankfully, JC accepted his answer. "Okay." he said, pushing himself up from the couch. "I'm going to go work on that song. If you wanna help me, you know where I'll be."
Justin nodded, giving his friend a thankful smile. As JC headed towards the back of the bus, Justin turned his eyes back out the window.
It was already afternoon, and the streets of the city were busy and thick with traffic. The tinted windows of the bus made it safe for Justin to stare out into the outside world as it drove passed. Watching the people walk along the sidewalks, his thoughts returned to the questions of the night before. The ones he wondered when standing on the balcony of his hotel.
Did any of those people feel the way he did right now? Did they feel anxious, loneliness or lost?
But now, one question in particular stood out in his mind.
Did any of those people just do something they swore they would never do?
Shaking his head at himself, Justin stood and quickly headed towards the bunks. Telling JC he was feeling sick, he climbed into his bunk and slid the curtain across. Leaving himself in darkness, Justin laid back and hid from the world. Accompanied by only his thoughts, he felt more alone than he had felt in a long time.
Over an hour had passed, and he still hadn't allowed himself to think about what he had done. He knew he had to think about it, because he had some serious decisions to make.
Should he tell Erin? And if he did, how should she react? Should she leave him? Yell, scream, beat the shit out of him?
She had always been a very passionate person, which was one of the things he loved about her. He knew her better than he knew himself, but for the life of him he had no idea how she would react to something like this.
He also wondered if he should tell the guys? He knew they would be shocked, probably even yell at him for being so stupid. But overall, they would support him. Talk to him and help him figure out what to do. But did he really want to admit this to anyone? Have to actually say those words aloud?
'I cheated on my girlfriend.' Justin said in his mind. 'I got drunk, had a one night stand with a woman whom I don't even know her last name, and don't remember a damn thing about that night.'
Feeling a tear slid down his face, Justin wiped it away quickly.
He didnt want to cry. Not over this. He had no right to cry, at least not in his mind. He was the one who did wrong, and he had no right to act as if he was the one in pain. He wasnt going to cry.
But he had never been in a situation like this. A situation where he stood to lose everything over something that he would do anything to take back.
He thought of Trystan, standing in the hotel room, wearing his t-shirt as he walked out the door. Leaving her in the room, alone.
He hated how he handled the situation. There were a million other ways he could have handled it, and of course, he chose the stupidest way.
He walked away.
Not that he had much choice, but surely there was something more intelligent or supportive he could have said or done before he left. It was as if he had used her, and walked away.
He thought of the look on her face when she had woken up. She appeared almost as shocked as he had been, but she still handled it better than him. She tried to make light of the situation, making small jokes and smiling at him to ease the tension. She had tired a whole hell of a lot harder than he did.
All he did was stand there like an idiot, and insult her by saying that what he couldn't believe he had done something so stupid. Rant about how he felt about what happened, and didn't even take the time to see if she was alright. If she needed anything. Instead, he booked the hotel room for another night.
Smooth, Timberlake. Bravo.
Groaning to himself, Justin rolled over onto his side.
Even though he was trying not to think about it, it was inevitably coming to his mind. It was impossible to keep his thoughts on anything but what he had done, and he wasn't exactly very good at keeping his mind blank.
He knew he had to figure out what to do, and figure it out quickly.
First thing was first. Should he tell Erin?
The thought of having to tell her broke his heart. The look on her face. The hurt in her eyes. The pain in her voice when she asked him why he would do such a thing, were all things he couldn't bare to witness.
He didn't want to lose her over this. He wouldn't lose her. Not for a simple lack of good judgment. A momentary slip from reality. And in all fairness, he was drunk. He knew that wasn't a good excuse, but it was the truth. He didn't even remember anything about that night, so its not like he deliberately went out in search of someone. With the intentions to cheat on her.
The more he thought about how he would tell her, what she would say, and what he had to lose, the choice became more clear to him.
He couldn't tell her. Not just because he didn't know how, or because he was afraid of losing her. But more importantly, because he didn't want to hurt her.
He truly believed that if you could keep someone you loved from experiencing pain, then you should do it at all costs. He could keep Erin from having to go through the hell of knowing he slept with someone else. And all he had to do was keep quiet. To keep this simple secret.
He knew that he would feel guilty for the rest of his life, but he also knew that he would feel even worse if he had to watch the pain in her eyes at the knowledge of what he had done. The hatred when she looked at him.
He wasn't willing to do that.
But, if he didn't tell Erin, he had no right to tell anyone else. Not any of the guys. Not his best friend, Landon. No one. If anyone had the right to know about his mistake, it was Erin. If he told someone else, and she somehow found out from someone other than him, it would only make it worse. Not that it could get much worse, but it wouldn't help finding out that your boyfriend had a drunken affair with some girl in New York, and you had to find out through the grapevine.
So, it was decided. He wasn't going to tell anyone. Not Erin. Not Landon. Not any of the guys. This was going to be a secret he kept with him till the day he died. To keep from hurting the ones he loved, he would never tell a soul.
Now that the decision was made, would he truly be able to stand by it? Would he be able to look at Erin, and not tell her the truth?
Their relationship had always been based on honesty and trust. He had never lied to her, and promised he never would. She was always honest with him, sometimes brutally so. But that brutal honesty helped keep him grounded in a lifestyle that was so easy to get caught up in.
But now, he was going to have to break his promise. He was going to have to keep the biggest secret of his life, from the most important person in his life.
A sudden knock on the bunk above him broke Justin from his thoughts. Quickly regaining his composure, he cleared his throat.
"What?" he called.
"Phone, dude." Lance's voice called back to him.
Justin pulled the curtain back to find Lance kneeling down to him, his cell phone in his hand.
"Its Erin." Lance said, holding the phone out to Justin. "She said she tried your phone, but it was turned off."
Justins heart raced at the mention of her name, but he didn't let on. Nodding, he reached out and took the phone from Lance. "Thanks."
"No problem." Lance said, standing up to return to the front of the bus.
Closing the curtain to his bunk again, Justin held the phone to his chest.
He was suddenly terrified to talk to her. To have to hear her voice, and know that she had no idea of what he had done. But he had to do it.
Sighing quietly to himself, Justin brought the phone up to his ear.
"Hello?"
"Hey baby." Erins happy voice called back to him. A smile immediately came to Justins face at the sound.
"Hey," he replied. "How are you?"
"Good," she answered. "How are you?"
"Not bad. A little tired, but alright."
Erin laughed. "Partying too much?"
"No, just not sleeping too well." he said, burying himself under a blanket. "I miss you."
"I miss you too." she replied. "But just think, a couple more weeks and you'll be home."
Justin sighed loudly at the thought. "I cant wait."
"Me either." she smiled. "Listen, Hannah and I are going up to visit her parents in Georgia for a couple days, so I wont be home until Thursday night. I just wanted to tell you incase you called and I wasn't here to answer."
"Okay. Good to know." he smiled.
"Ill still call you tomorrow night to see how the show went, though." she exclaimed. "Hey, speaking of shows, how did last night go?"
"What do you mean?" Justin responded quickly.
"The concert." Erin said. "Your last show in New York. How was it?"
"Oh," he sighed. "Good." Rubbing his eyes, he tried to keep himself from sounding nervous. "It was good. The usual."
"Good. Well, I just wanted to call and check in. Ill let you go. You sound really tired."
Justin didn't want to let her go. He found comfort in her voice, even though he was fighting the guilt he knew he would have to face. "Okay."
"Ill talk to you tomorrow night, okay?"
"Okay." he said quietly. "Erin?"
"Yeah?"
Justin paused for a moment, before whispering into the phone. "I love you."
He could almost see her smile through the phone. "I love you too, Justin."
"Ill talk to you soon."
"Okay. Bye."
"Bye."
Turning off the phone, Justin placed it on the shelf at his side.
Rolling onto his back, he stared at the dark bunk above him, his heart pounding loudly in his ears.
He did it. He kept the secret from her. Now, he really had no choice but to keep this to himself. If he was ever to tell her, it would have been then. Right away. But he didnt, and now he couldnt.
With the thought of Erin smiling in his mind, a single tear slid down his cheek.
