Now or never.
He had heard this statement used many times during his life, but never really thought that he would find himself in a 'now or never' situation.
Well, he was fucking wrong.
Because at this very moment, it was now or never.
He had been thinking of what to say to Erin regarding Trystan for months, but now that he was face to face with her, and the moment of truth was upon him, he was speechless. Not that he had an actual speech prepared, but at any rate....
They were now in the living room, sitting on the couch together. Erins body was turned towards Justins, her hands clasped nervously in her lap. He had never been one to make her nervous, but the tone in his voice moments before was enough to spark this new feeling in her. She knew that he had something important to tell her, and by the way he was staring at his feet right now, she knew she was probably not going to like it.
Justin was sitting beside her, his head in his hands, his eyes fixated on his feet. He was breathing deeply, trying to calm his own nerves.
He had to do it now. He had already told her he knew who the number on their phone bill belonged to, and he had to tell her something. If he lied to her now, he would only make things worse. He had to be honest. For the first time since all this started, he had to tell her the truth.
It was now or never. And never was not an option anymore.
"Justin?" Erins nervous voice broke him from his thoughts. Looking up to her, his head still in his hands as he angled it to face her, he noticed the anxiety in her eyes.
"What's going on?" she asked, her eyes narrowing in thought and confusion at why he was acting so strangely over a few phone calls that couldn't be explained.
Justin watched her for a moment. Savoring the last few moments that he would see love in her eyes when she looked at him. He knew without a doubt that the moment his revelation hit her, that the love he saw would fade to hatred in a matter of seconds. He had to store this image in his mind forever. The last time she would ever look at him, and love him.
Sighing to himself, Justin pulled his hands from his head, and leaned back against the couch. His eyes still fixated on Erin, he pulled his lips into his mouth, as if trying to stop himself from actually telling her.
"Justin," Erin spoke again. "You're making me nervous." She tried to hide her nervousness with a small smile, but it didn't work out too well. "Tell me. What's going on?"
Closing his eyes, Justin could see Erins eyes in his mind. Staring back at him with so much love.
"I know who the number belongs to." he said quietly. His eyes still closed.
Erin was quiet for a moment, as if waiting for him to continue. But he didn't. He stayed still, his eyes closed as he sat across from her. He was making her almost frantic with anticipation.
"Well?" she said, urging an answer. "Who?"
Justin sighed loudly, shaking his head as he finally allowed his eyes to open. But they didn't settle on Erin. Instead, they fixed on a spot on the wall across the room. Justin began to speak.
"Erin, I have a lot to tell you. So much that I never thought I would have to say to you, but now I know I have to. Just by saying what I just did, I know you're worried and anxious, but I have to say something before I start." Turning, he looked directly at her. His deep blue eyes almost burning into hers with urgency and passion. "I love you." He stated. It wasn't a comment or just simple words. He said it with so much force and certainty, that Erin could feel her stomach tilt. "I love you more than I love anything else in the world, and I would do anything to make you even a fraction as happy as you have made me."
"I love you, too, Justin." Erin said, reaching a hand across to rest on his. "I'll always love you."
Justin grinned bitterly at himself. If only that were true.
"Erin, I have to tell you something. I'm not going to lie anymore. I'm not going to hide it anymore. And I'm not going to try and make this so that you wont hate me. Because you have every right to. I'm not going to try and make this out to not be my fault, because there is no one else to blame but me. I hate that I have lied to you, but I have. I hate that I have kept things from you, but I have. And I hate more than anything that I have been hurting you, without you even knowing it."
Erin felt her heart race, and for the life of her, she couldn't understand what he was rambling about. She thought about saying something, but words wouldn't escape her lips. Its not like she had anything intelligent to say anyways, so she was thankful that she stayed silent.
Sighing one last time, as if to free himself of any hesitation, Justin closed his eyes and began.
"When we go on tour, its the best time of our lives. Its what we love to do, and we want nothing more than to be out there, performing. But it also has its down side, and we get lonely. We miss our friends and families, and sometimes, if we dwell on it, that loneliness drives us insane."
Justin opened his eyes, locking them back to the spot on the wall across the room.
"This was how I was feeling one night during this last tour. Hell, not just one night. A lot of nights. It seemed to be ever since you left from your visit, and all I could think about was you. How much I missed you. How much I wanted you. It drove me insane. I was sitting around the hotel rooms at night, wishing you were with me. Starving for you. Wanting nothing more than to be with you for a few seconds. Just long enough to alleviate some of the pain I felt."
Pausing to clear his throat, Justin continued. "One night, in New York City, I was going nuts. I laid awake for hours, thinking of you and how much I wished I wasn't where I was. That I was with you. The guys had noticed my mood being down over the last little while, and kept trying to get me to go out with them once or twice during the week. But I would always say no. I didn't want to go out. Instead, I would stay in my room and sulk. This only making my misery worse and more unbearable. Well, this night in New York, I finally made myself get out. Even if it was only for a few hours, I had to escape. Escape my reality for a little while, and just lose myself. I had no idea how it would turn out to be the biggest mistake of my life."
Justin pulled his legs inward, tucking them beneath his butt on the couch. His eyes fell to his knees. "I went out. I don't remember where. I don't remember when. I don't even remember how I got back to the hotel. I didn't take any of the other guys with me. I didn't even take security. Maybe if I did, then none of this would be happening. But that is what I have to live with, and wishing I had its going to change anything. I didn't take anyone with me. I got drunk. Very, very drunk. Fuck, I don't even remember where I went, who I was with, or what I drank or did. For all I know, I danced naked on a table top in the middle of Times Square. I don't remember anything, and that is only making this harder for me."
Rubbing his hands over his face, Justin realized he was rambling. He had to get to the point of this.
"The next morning, I woke up feeling like shit. I didn't remember anything, and still don't. I know that doesn't make anything that has happened before or since any less horrible or even close to being excusable, but it is the truth." Again, realizing his rambling, Justin sighed again. "When I woke up..." he paused, not sure if he could actually let the words pass his lips. They had to be said, and he knew it was now that they had to be heard. But that didn't make it any easier. If anything, it only made it harder. "When I woke up," he repeated. Sniffling, sighing and shifting in his seat, he knew he was only making it worse. "When I woke up," he repeated for a third and last time. "I wasn't alone."
He took a long pause, waiting for any reaction from Erin as she sat across from him. She hadn't said anything for a long while. Just letting him talk. But now was the point of the converstaion, or at least the main point of it, and he thought there would be some sort of reaction. Looking across to her, she sat still and seemingly unfazed. As if he had said the weather in New York that night had been good. He waited, but she didn't move. She didn't speak. Realizing she was waiting for him to continue, he did as he knew he should.
"When I woke up, there was someone else in the room with me. In the bed." Justin felt the tears well up in his eyes, but fought not to let them fall. He didn't have the right to cry. He did wrong, and it wasn't his place to cry. If anyone should be able to cry and release any pain, it should be Erin. Not him.
"I don't remember even meeting her, but that doesn't matter. The point is, that she was there that night. And," sniffing again, Justin sighed the last words from his speech. "We slept together."
Again, no reaction came from Erin, and Justin found himself with more to say. Moments before, he could find two words to string together. Now, full speeches were racing through his mind. He may as well use one of them.
"I would never have knowingly cheated on you. Never in my life did I ever think this would be happening. I know saying that I was drunk and don't remember is a fucking shitty thing to say, as if it is some excuse. I know its not. But it is the truth. Because I don't remember, and I know for a fact that this wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been drinking. If I hadn't gotten drunk. If I had just taken someone else with me. If I had just stayed at the hotel. So many what ifs or other possibilities could have changed it, but Ill never know."
Rubbing his hands over his face, Justin continued to speak through his hands.
"When I realized what had happened, I panicked. I was a fucking moron, not knowing what to say or do. Fuck, I mean, I left her in the hotel room, cause we were leaving for the next city. She seemed to be okay with everything. Understanding about it, you know? I booked the hotel room for another night for her. Don't ask why, because I don't know why. I just felt like I had to do something, so I did that. Then we left. I left her standing there."
Justin couldn't stop the words now. He was on a roll.
"A few days later, I got a call from her. I don't know how she got my cell number. She said she wanted to meet up with me in Cleveland. Seeing her again was the last thing in the world that I ever wanted, but I still felt so horrible about how I had handled it, I felt like I owed her something. So I agreed. We met, and everything seemed fine. Fuck, I even gave her tickets to the show that night because she said her friend wanted to get some but couldn't."
Shifting his weight, he continued. "Again, I thought I had left her behind after Cleveland. I didn't speak to her again for a while. But then we come home. We had that sound check party thing at the last show, where fans could come and watch us. And she was there. With a friend. She had come all that way, tracking me down. I lost it. I had her come backstage, and I told her to stop calling, and stop following me. I told her to leave me alone, and that what happened that night was just a drunken mistake. I told her about you, and that I loved you and would never have done what I did if I hadn't been drunk. She didn't say anything. I could tell she was upset, but she seemed to be handling it okay. She left, and I thought it was over. Little did I know that it was only the beginning."
Now, Justin had to tell Erin why this was coming out. How was he going to tell her that this girl was now stalking them?
"But she wont let it go. She is still in Orlando, and she is the one calling and hanging up. All those unknown calls we have been getting for the last little while are from her. She called one night when we were going somewhere. I don't remember where. I answered, and she told me to meet her. She said if I didn't, she would tell you what happened. I didn't want to hurt you, so I met with her at her house. She told me that she was in love with me, and wasn't going to let me go. She said that we were meant to be and all this fucked up crazy shit, and I freaked out. She said that if I didn't leave you to be with her, she was going to tell you the truth. So I freaked, and I even threatened her. I had her backed up against a fucking wall, and I thought that I got my message through to her. But I was still wrong. That only made her more angry. Since then, she has left notes. She tore up a t-shirt that she had taken of mine from that morning. She was the one who left that snake in the bathroom. She has broken in a few times. The day you moved in, and the night we went to Landons for dinner. She is getting more and more bold, and I know she is going to do something drastic. And I cant let that happen again. I tried to stop her every way I could. I even tracked down the friend that came with her to the sound check, and met with her. I went back to Cleveland and Madison, the friend, told me about things that she had done in the past. Lying about a rape. Even crippling her friend because of a guy. Then, somehow, Trystan found out. She tried to kill Madison. And I am terrified that she is going to try and hurt you. The phone calls on the bill are her number. I called her once after she called here, telling her to leave us alone. But she didn't. I guess she made more calls when we were at Landons that night. I don't know."
Justins head fell into his hands, and the tears were all of a sudden all over his cheeks. It was like he had been crying the whole time, but only just then realized it.
"I am terrified of her hurting you, Erin. She left notes, saying that she wont let me live without her. I don't know what she would do to you, and I cant think of anything else to stop her. She has been holding this over me since it happened, knowing that I didn't want to hurt you by telling you. This has been her hold on me, and now, I had to tell you. Maybe this will stop if she knows you know, but I don't know if it will or not. I don't know anything anymore. I hate that I lied to you, and I hate even more what I did to you. If I could take it back, I would. God, I would. But I cant. All I can do is apologize, and try my best to fix it. I love you still, even more than I ever thought I could, and I don't want to lose you over this. Not because of her. I will do anything to stop her, and even more to prove to you how much I love you. You are all I am. All I ever wanted. All I will ever be."
A tear fell from his eyes, landing on the knee of his jeans, quickly being absorb.
"I cant change what I did, what I have done since, or what I could have done differently. But I can change what I will do in the future, and I am going to start by never lying to you again. I cheated. I did what I swore I would never do. And what I will swear here and now that I will never do again. I will protect you with my life, and I promise that I will stop her. I don't know what she is going to do next, but I will do anything to stop her."
Justin realized again that Erin hadn't said a word for a long while, but couldn't make himself look at her. He wasn't ready to see yet.
"I know I have no right to ask you for your forgiveness. I did something that is unforgivable, and I would not blame you for one second if you hated me for the rest of your life. But I do love you, always have, and always will. And if somehow, some way, you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I will spend the rest of my life making you glad you did."
Justin knew it was time, and forcefully, he turned his eyes to Erin.
With the memory of her loving eyes staring back at him as they had been moments before still lodged in his mind, he focused on her eyes.
And no longer was the look of love shining back at him. She was no longer glowing with a special light that they shared because of one another. She was no longer smiling.
Instead, he saw hatred. Pure, uncontrolled, unhidden, hatred.
And right then, Justin knew that he lost everything.
