The sobbing was uncontrollable at this point. Just when she thought she didn't have any more tears to cry, her body released another wave of them sliding down her cheeks.
How could this have happened? The thought of Justin actually sleeping with someone else was something that she never thought she would have to deal with. And here it was, an actual reality.
She had always trusted him. Never once did she ever consider him ever being unfaithful to her. He just wasn't like that. Yes, there was temptation. He admitted to that. But never once had she ever even entertained the thought of him actually acting upon those temptations.
But he did. He actually, truly, cheated on her.
And she was devastated.
Lying on the bed, she was curled into the fetal position. Her eyes were red and swollen, sore from the tears she kept trying to wipe away. Kleenex surrounded her, a bottle of water on the night table at her side.
After leaving Justins, Erin had kept her composure quite well. She cried, yes, but never did she let herself weep. Not yet.
She didn't know where to go. A month ago, she would have had her own apartment to return to. But now, she was living with him, and no longer had her escape.
This made her angry. Because he knew even then what he had done, and still he had insisted that she move in with him. It was because he was feeling guilty, she was now convince, and not because he actually wanted her there. He was doing this to try and prove some fucked up notion to himself. It was about him. Not her.
After driving around for a little less than an hour, Erin turned the car in the direction of Hannahs. If anyone would be there for her now, it would be her. She was Erins best friend, and no matter what she had to say or what she was going through, Hannah was always there for her and supportive.
Now, her true support was needed. In more ways that even Erin was aware of.
Pulling up the driveway, Erin breathed a sigh of relief to see that Hannahs boyfriend, Dylan, was not there. Only Hannahs car sat in the driveway, and Erin was thankful. The last thing she wanted right now was an audience for her mental and emotional breakdown.
Climbing out of her car, Erin noticed herself shaking. She knew she was reaching her breaking point, and only hoped that Hannah was in fact alone.
Knocking on the door, Erin clasped her hands together to control the shaking. The tears were still slowly sliding from her eyes, but it was as if by their own accord. She wasn't forcing them, or actually crying. They were just escaping her eyes on their own.
After what seemed like an eternity, but was actually probably only a few seconds, Hannah opened the door. Smiling at her friend, Hannah leaned on the door frame.
"Well, hey there stranger." she greeted happily. "What? Did Justin let you out of his sight long enough to come and visit?"
Erin knew Hannah was kidding, but at the very mention of Justins name, she flinched. Her eyes closing painfully, she lowered her eyes for a moment, before returning them to Hannah.
Finally, Hannah noticed the tears, the red, swollen eyes and the completely lost look that now played on her friends normally happy face.
"What's wrong?" she asked, pushing off the door frame to take a step closer to Erin. "What happened?"
The moment the question was asked, Erin broke down. The tears were bursting from her eyes now, as she covered her face with her hands. She could barely talk she was crying so hard.
Hannah took her by the arm and guided her inside the house. Closing the door behind her, she led Erin to the living room, sitting her down on the large deep green couch. She didn't say anything, or make any more inquiries. Instead, she waited for Erin to calm.
When the tears slowed, Erin looked up and saw the worried and helpless expression on Hannahs face.
How was she going to explain this? How did you tell your best friend something like this? She could hardly believe it herself, and she was expected to have to explain it to someone else?
"Erin?" Hannah said softly, reaching a hand across the short distance between them to place it on Erins. "What happened?"
Closing her eyes, Erin let the story flow from her. She told Hannah everything Justin had told her. About the night in New York. About Trystan. How he cheated on her. How he didn't tell her, and kept it all a secret from her all this time. And now, how the woman was now stalking Justin, breaking into their home, and forcing Justin to let his secret out.
She talked for a long time, not sure if she was actually taking breaths between sentences. It seemed like it was someone else's story she was telling, other than her own. This wasn't something that was supposed to happen to her. Her boyfriend didn't cheat. He didn't lie. But still, here she was, telling her story.
When she finished, she locked her eyes on the couch, her hands fiddling with each other out of nervous habit. She waited for Hannah to say something. Anything. To reprimand her for trusting Justin so much. That she should have noticed such a change in his behavior. Anything. Erin knew it was stupid, but somehow, she felt like this was partially her fault.
Suddenly, Erin felt the couch beside her shift. A moment later, Hannah was holding her close, comforting her the best way she knew how. She was hugging her.
The tears started up again, and Erin cried into her friend for a long time. No one said anything. Erin cried. Hannah comforted. It was the way that it had to be at the moment, and neither of them had anything worth saying right now anyway.
After a long while, they stood from the couch and Hannah took Erin to the spare bedroom. There was no question of whether or not she was going to be able to stay over. It was a given. She was going to stay as long as she needed, no questions asked.
Hannah left Erin in the bedroom for a while to make a call to Dylan and cancel their date for the following evening. Upon her return, she came bearing gifts of Kleenex and water. She sat with Erin for a while, not speaking. Just watching her cry, and hugging her when the sobs were so hard, they rocked her whole body.
Erin wanted Hannah to say something, but didn't really know what she expected to hear. Hannah was probably just as shocked as she was, and really, what did you say? There was nothing really to be said yet, and Erin was just waiting for Hannah to get a grasp on what she was told.
Hannah was always the best at advice. Advice on anything. From what kind of lipstick lasted the longest, to what to do when your boyfriend cheated on you. Her expertise was going to be put to the test on this one, and Erin had to admit she was interested to hear what Hannah was going to say.
The phone rang about an hour after Erin arrived, and both girls turned their eyes to each other. There was no doubt who was calling.
Justin.
Neither said a word. Hannah simply stood from the side of the bed, and crossed the room to the door. Erin listened closely to hear if she was going to answer, and if so, if it was indeed Justin.
A moment later, the ringing stopped. Hannah returned, the portable phone in her hand.
"It was Justin." she said softly. "I didn't answer it. But I brought the phone, in case you wanted to answer it at some point."
Erin grinned weakly at her friend, watching as she placed the phone on the night stand next to the bottle of water.
Sitting on the bed again, Hannah crossed her legs beneath herself, leaning back on the mattress beside Erin.
She watched her for a long while, before speaking.
"Do you want to talk about it now?" she asked. It was more of a supportive question rather than one of pressuring inquiry.
Erin thought for a while, but she really did need to talk about it. She hated the fact she had to, but she knew if anything, talking about it would make it hurt a little less.
She nodded.
Hannah adjusted her position on the bed, so that she was lying next to Erin. Folding her hands beneath the pillow under her head, she faced her friend.
Both girls watched each other, waiting for the other to begin. Neither did.
Finally, Erin opened her mouth to speak. The moment she did, her chin began to shake. She wasn't sure if she was able to talk yet, but she forced herself.
"How could he do this?" she whispered.
Hannah sighed. "I don't know, honey." she replied. "I never thought he would do something like this."
Erin shook her head. "Neither did I."
There was a silence, broken moments later by Hannah. "Does he really not remember anything? I mean, was he really that drunk?"
"I don't know." Erin shrugged, her eyes falling to her feet at the bottom of the bed. "I mean, I know Justin doesn't remember much when he drinks, so it is entirely possible. I mean, once, he got so drunk, he tried to kiss Chris, thinking it was me."
Hannah looked at her strangely. "How the fuck could he confuse Chris with you?"
Erin smiled weakly. "I don't know. But it was pretty funny."
Another silence overtook them. Erin had so many questions she needed answered, and although she knew Hannah couldn't give the right answers, at least she could give her some kind of idea towards the right answers.
"I couldn't believe it when he told me," she began. "I just sat there, thinking I had heard him wrong. I mean, I knew he had been acting strange lately, but he has his moments when he closes off, or acts strange. Then when he asked me to move in, I thought that everything was going to be great. But really, he did it because he was feeling guilty. Like he thought it was what I wanted, and he felt he owed me, so he did it. Not because he wanted me there. Because he felt obligated."
"Do you really believe that?" Hannah asked. "Do you really think that is his real reasoning behind wanting you to move in?"
"What?" Erin said, her eyes returning to Hannah. "You don't?"
"No." she replied with certainty. "I know for a fact that Justin has been thinking about having you move in for months. He asked me several times if I thought you would, but then asked me not to tell you that he asked. He didn't want to move too fast, and scare you off. He wanted you there long before this happened. And if anything, this made him realize just how much he wants you with him. Forever."
"How can you say that?" she asked. "He cheated on me, Hannah. He slept with another girl, lied about it, went behind my back in so many ways that I probably still don't know everything, and now, he tells me only because he gets caught. He is forced to be honest because she pushed him to it. Not because he wanted me to know."
"Again, do you really believe that?" Hannah asked. "You know Justin better than anyone else, and I know that you know how he thinks. He isn't that manipulative or hurtful. That's just not him. He wouldn't treat anyone that way, especially not you."
"Well, I don't even know what to think anymore." Erin admitted, her eyes falling again to her feet. "I didn't expect any of this. This morning, I woke up, and my life was perfect, you know? I had an amazing man that I loved more than anything. I have amazing friends, a career, and home. I loved my life. And in a matter of seconds, everything is turned upside down. I lose everything, because of his mistakes."
"You didn't lose everything, Erin." Hannah corrected. "You still have your career. You still have your friends. And like it or not, you still have Justin."
"But what if I don't want him?" she asked bitterly. "What if I don't want anything to do with him anymore? What if I want to forget I ever knew him?"
Hannah was quiet for a moment, as if pondering the question posed to her.
"When you would be the only one to blame for losing the man you love."
Erin looked up at Hannah quickly, her eyes wide. "What?"
"You haven't lost him, Erin. You could never lose him. That's just not possible. The only way you could, is if you push him away. If you chose to lose him. In that case, it would be your fault, and in no way any fault of Justins. If I know that boy the way I think I do, I know he is at home, freaking out, crying and pacing around, torn apart that he hurt you. Thinking that there is no way you can forgive him, but still trying to figure out a way to make you forgive him."
"If he loved me the way he says, or even the way you seem to think he does, then why would he do this?" Erin asked. "Why would he cheat on me? And why, even if the cheating was just a drunken mistake, would he not come clean and be honest a long time ago? Before it got to this point."
"To keep you from having to go through what you are going through at this very moment." Hannah said with a small nod. "To keep those tears from your eyes. To keep that pain from your heart. To keep you from having to question his love for you, because he knows just how much he loves you, and even if it takes him forever, he will never be able to show you enough."
Erin was quiet again, thinking over the words coming from her friend.
She knew Hannah was always objective. She wouldn't automatically take Erins side, and in a way, that was better.
Erin still loved Justin more than anything. No mistake could tear that apart. But she was hurt, shocked and confused. She didn't know what to do or think.
"I don't know if I can forgive him." she said quietly. Her voice was so small and frail, Hannah almost didn't hear her. "I don't know if I can look at him the same."
"You don't have to." Hannah said. "At least not right now. You don't have to talk to him. You don't have to see him. Instead, you take some time apart, so you can get your thoughts and feelings straight. He needs some time to work out how to handle the mess he made for himself, and you need time to figure out whether you can make a future for yourself, that may or may not include him. Space is always the best thing at a time like this. Speaking right now will only make you even angrier, because every time you look at him, you will see what he did. You need to take a step back, analyze what happened, and choose how to move on."
Erin grinned at Hannah. "When did you get so smart?"
"Watching Oprah." she teased.
Both girls laughed. Weak, forced laughs, but it was revitalizing either way.
"I do still love him, you know?" Erin said when her laughter subsided. "Nothing could change that, I don't think. I just don't know if I can look past what he did, so see him the same. I don't know how to live with him, but I don't know if I can live without him."
"Erin, listen to me." Hannah said, the urgency in her voice clear. "Justin loves you. He would do anything for you. And I know that he told you for more reasons than just because he was caught. There was a million things he could have said to explain those calls. But he chose to tell you the truth. He chose to let himself make that his final breaking point. He wanted you to know, because he hated you not knowing. If it is true that this girl is stalking him, then you very well may be in danger. By the sounds of it, she is a little off her rocker. Justin would protect you with his life, and I know you know that for a fact. He told you for many reasons, but one of those is to protect you."
"But if he cant even stop her or know when she is around, how can he protect me? He cant even protect himself?"
"I don't know. But I know he would do anything to keep you safe." Hannah paused for a moment, and Erin could see she was thinking of how to word what she wanted to say next. Finally, she spoke, her voice low, and full of emotion. "He loves you so much he would die for you." she said. "But more importantly, Erin, he lives for you. To him, you are his everything. His whole world, and he cant breathe without you. He lives for you."
Erin felt more tears falling from her eyes, but this time, it wasn't because of the pain in her heart. It wasn't because of the truth of her life, of the lies from Justin. This time, it was because she knew everything Hannah was saying was true. And beyond the lies, the pain and the hurt, lay still the fact that Justin would die for her. That he loved her still, as she did him.
"So," Hannah said, after a long silence. "What are you going to do?"
Erin sighed loudly, wiping the tears from her eyes.
She honestly didn't know what she was going to do. There were still many questions racing through her mind, and her heart was still cracked. But somehow, in these short moments, it had healed slightly just by the words Hannah had said. The words that Erin knew were true.
But just because she knew them to be true, didn't mean she was ready to forgive and forget. She was still hurt, and she more angry at Justin than she ever thought possible.
But she knew the anger would fade, and when it did, she would truly know what she had to do.
Looking at her friend, Erin smiled weakly.
"I don't know what I'm going to do," she admitted. "But I know whatever it is, it will happen on its own. I just have to wait and see."
