Justin had heard a long time ago that life was a hard teacher because it gave the test first, the lesson afterwards. He knew that was true, but never so much as he did now. Now, he completely understood and agreed with that statement, because this test was never ending. He felt like he was in the midst of the final exam from hell, and there was no end in sight.
And looking around his living room, as he sat alone with his feet propped up on the coffee table in front of him, he was certain that he was failing this test.
It had been over a week and a half, and he had yet to see or hear from Erin. Not that he blamed her. He completely understood her anger and hurt at what he had done. Not just his infidelity. But his lies. His inability to come clean and tell her the truth long ago, before things had gotten to this point.
Leaning his head back against the couch, Justin sighed loudly.
This separation period had given him more time to think. He had thought that it wasn't possible for him to analyze the situation any more than he had been since it began, but he was wrong yet again. Only this time, he was analyzing a different part of the situation.
Before, he was thinking of the million and one things he could have done differently so that Trystan Michaels would never have entered his life. How he shouldn't have gone out that night. He shouldn't have gone alone. He shouldn't have turned to drinking to drown the sorrows he knew would soon pass.
This time, the analyzing was focused on what he should have done after it happened. How he should have told Erin the truth. How he should have never lied and tried to hide what he had done. No matter how many times he told himself he was doing it to spare her the pain and hurt of knowing he had cheated, he knew deep down that it was his own fear that was driving his decision. His own cowardly reasons, hoping that if he kept it secret long enough, that the problem would simply just go away on its own.
As a grown man, he should have known better. Because the opposite had occurred. The only thing his procrastination did, was prolong the inevitable, and make it easier for Trystan to manipulate and control the situation to her liking. Thus, ruining his life.
Pulling his arms up to bring his hands to his face, Justin rubbed his tired eyes. He had yet to have a full nights sleep since Erin had walked out on him. You would think after years of living alone, he would be used to sleeping in his bed without someone else there. But the fact of the matter remained, that even in the few short weeks since Erin had moved in with him, he had grown accustom to her lying next to him. And now, he couldn't sleep without her.
Pulling his hands from his face, Justin raised his head from the back of the couch to look around the room. It was quiet. Almost too quiet. But he didn't feel like watching TV. He wouldn't be able to concentrate anyway. Radio never played anything he wanted to listen to anymore. Just the same songs over and over.
It didn't matter what he did anymore. His thoughts always took over, bringing him right back to his reality, and the problems he still had to face.
He had agreed, with Landons persuasion, to leave Erin alone. He knew she needed time to think things through and work passed some of her anger before he would have any chance at talking to her about what happened. All that would happen if he saw her too soon was a fight, and more than likely more words would be said that wouldn't be able to be taken back. He knew time was what she needed, although time seemed so hard to give at the moment.
It had been over a week, and it was without a doubt the longest week of his life. He felt lost without her. Incomplete in some way. Too many ways to count or put into words. Somehow over the course of their relationship, she had become a part of him. And now that part was missing, and no matter what he did or how hard he tried, he just couldn't seem to find it.
Turning his head to the side, Justins blue eyes fell to the phone on the end table at the corner of the couch. He had thought a million times about how easy it would be to pick up that phone, and dial those seven simple numbers. He knew she was staying with Hannah. Landon told him that much.
A few days after Erin had left, Justin had been going crazy nonstop. After hours of continuous ranting and pleading, he finally convinced Landon to go and find Erin. He knew she was either at Hannahs, or Marks. It was a simple process of elimination. But he knew he couldn't very well to and find her himself. There was no way that she would even open the door if she knew he was on the other side. Therefore, Landon was his backup. He knew that Erin adored him, and that no matter what was happening between himself and Erin, she wouldn't take it out on Landon.
So, after being pushed out the door by Justin, Landon set off on his mission. He returned a little less than an hour later, with the information Justin required. Erin was in fact staying with Hannah, and she did not want to see him. Landon confirmed what Justin already knew; that she was upset and hurt. But Landon did tell him something that he wasn't expecting. That through all the tears she shed, and the words of anger she spoke, there was one unmistakable feature in her eyes.
She still loved him.
No matter how much he screwed up, no matter how many lies he told or how many things he had done wrong, that fact still remained the same. She still loved him, and it showed so clearly that Landon was convinced that it would take a lot more than Trystan Michaels to erase the look from her eyes.
Justin stood in quiet disbelieve for a long while after Landon finished his explanation. He knew it was stupid to think that Erin would just completely dismiss any love she felt for him, especially this quickly. But still a part of him was shocked to find that it still showed on her face so clearly. Even the anger and pain couldn't mask it.
That small bit of information had given him hope. Enough hope to keep him going over the last week, and keep him from going insane.
But now, after all this time and all this thinking, that little bit of hope wasn't holding out so well anymore.
He needed to see her. To talk to her. To tell her everything he had been thinking over the last few days, and all the things he didn't tell her before. He just needed to talk to her. He needed to make her understand and to do whatever it took to make things right. If that meant her yelling, screaming and beating him into a tiny, bloody lump on the floor.....so be it.
One thing over the last few days hadn't escaped Justins attention, also. The fact that Trystan was no where to be found. She had yet to call, write, or appear anywhere. For the first few days, Justin found himself waiting for her call almost as much as he found himself waiting for Erins. He knew she knew Erin had left. She had to know. Somehow, that girl knew everything he said and did.
So why hadn't she called yet? Whether to gloat, or to try and seduce him yet again, some kind of contact was expected at this time, wasn't it?
Not that he wanted to talk to her. Hell no. But he found himself nervous and a little scared at the thought that she hadn't called or tried to contact him. At least when she was calling and stalking him outwardly, he knew where she was and what she was doing. It had been over a week, and he had yet to hear one peep from her.
A tiny smirk appeared on his face.
Finally, he got what he wanted. Trystan Michaels was out of his life, and here he was, waiting for her to call. He was a sick and twisted individual.
Justin had told this to Landon the day before. They had been playing basketball in an attempt to get Justins mind off everything around him, and Justin had mentioned that Trystan hadn't tried to contact him. He said how it was making him nervous that she was no where in his life, although that was what he had been wanting all along.
"That's normal." Landon assured and he tucked the basketball under his arm. Reaching down to the hem of his shirt, Landon raised it to wipe the drops of sweat from his forehead.
"How is that normal?" Justin asked, giving Landon a strange look. "Dude, she's a fucking stalker, and I'm concerned that she's not calling? That's just fucking warped. Not normal."
Landon laughed. "No, man. Its normal. Before, she called all the time. You knew what she was up to. The fact that she hasn't contacted you leaves her in mystery to you. You don't know where she is or what she's doing. So, of course, your nervous as to what she is plotting next."
Justin lowered his eyes to the ground, Landons words circling in his mind.
In some sick way, he made sense. At least when she was constantly around, he knew where she was and what she was doing. Now, she could be anywhere. Doing anything. And that made him nervous. What if she was planning something so crazy, that he wouldn't even know it was coming? What if she was planning on hurting him? Or Erin? Or his family? What if she had finally lost it, and she was planning the end?
Shaking his head at himself, Justin looked back to Landon.
"I don't want to think about it anymore." he said. Stepping back, Justin positioned himself for Landon to pass him the ball.
Looking at him a moment, Landon sighed, before doing as Justin wanted.
Tapping his toes together, Justin tried to focus on his feet.
The day on the court had replayed in his mind too many times. Landons words made more and more sense each time he heard them, and each time, he became a little more scared.
What if she really was planning something? What if she was just biding her time until her final payback? What if....
"Fuck" Justin said aloud, raising his eyes from his feet to the TV across the room. "Stop thinking about it, you stupid fuck."
Sighing, Justin turned on the couch to lay across it. Folding his arms over his chest, he closed his eyes and tired to slow his breathing.
Luckily for him, the rest of the guys still didn't know. He hadn't talked to any of them too much since Erin had left, and in a way, he was thankful. He didn't want to have to talk about this over and over. To have to tell the same story, the same reasons, the same situations and stupid actions over and over.
He knew they would support him and try to help him in any way they could, but for right now, he wanted to deal with this alone. The less people that knew about it, the better.
Although, he had come close to telling JC.
Four days prior, JC had called to see if Justin wanted to go with him to some fashion show benefit in New York. Justin wasn't much for attending such events, but it was for charity, and he usually went to one or two during the year.
"Com'on man," JC started. "You'll have fun. We can actually enjoy New York without the pressure of having to work. We can be tourists!"
Justin laughed. "Man, you really are a dork." he teased.
"Ill pretend you didn't say that."
Laughing again, Justin sighed. "Thanks, but I think I'll pass. I haven't really been feeling all that great, so I think I'm just going to chill at home this weekend."
"You sure? It'll be fun."
"Yeah, I'm sure. But thanks for the offer."
There are a silence that overtook the conversation. It was short, but it was the kind of silence that usually meant that one person had something on their mind. Something that they were contemplating telling the other person, but weren't sure how to go about doing so.
"J?" JCs voice called out.
"Yeah?"
"You okay?"
"Yeah," Justin said, clearing his throat and his mind. "I'm fine."
JC was quiet for a moment, thinking about whether or not to believe Justin. He knew he had been acting strange for a long time now, but there had always been a possible reason for it. First, it was the stress of touring. Then, the feeling of being home after being on the road for so long. Next came the stress of Erin moving in with him. That kind of transition was hard for anyone, no matter how much they loved the other person. Especially for someone like Justin, who thrived on his independence.
Yet again deciding to let it go, JC nodded as if Justin could actually see him. "Okay man. Ill call you when I get back on Tuesday."
"Okay. Have a good time."
"I will. Later."
"Bye."
Justin remembered feeling a cold chill after hanging up the phone that day. A combination of fear, regret and a feeling he couldn't place.
He never thought about telling any of the guys again.
But now, the silence of his huge home was overtaking him as it had a million times before. Only this time, it was in a different way.
Sitting up, Justin leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees.
It had been a week and a half. He hadn't called. Written. Fuck, he didn't even e-mail her. He had honored her wish for him to keep his distance until she had the time she needed to think things through. But the longer he waited, the more scared he became.
All the things he wanted to say. All the things that needed to be said. All the things she needed to know and everything he wanted to tell her.
That was all he had been able to think about during the time alone.
Sitting up, Justin rubbed his sweaty hands on the legs of his jeans as he looked around the room. Sighing, he looked over at a picture of Erin on the table in front of him.
Everything he wanted to say. Everything she needed to know.
He knew it needed to be done.
And he had to do it now.
