The drive to Erins office seemed endless. Justin watched the cars around him as if they were driving so much faster than he was. Almost as if he were driving backwards, while they headed forwards. Like a bad dream, when you are late for something important, and just cant seem to get there.
It seemed like he got stopped by every red light between his home and her office. Like he got stuck behind every elderly woman driving to the hair salon. Behind every possible lost person, driving ten below the limit, looking for their exit.
It seemed to him as if he would never get there.
Or at least, that was how it seemed.
Now, standing in the lobby of her office building, staring at the lights on the elevator in front of him, waiting for it to come to collect him, he wondered how he got there so quickly.
Back at the house, he knew he had to talk to her. He knew he had agreed to stay away, to give her the time she needed, but he couldn't stay away any longer. He thought he had done pretty damn good staying away as long as he had. But he couldn't wait any longer. No matter what happened, he had to talk to her now.
He had gone over everything a million times in his head over the last week. What he wanted to say. What she needed to know. What he wanted her to say and think. What he needed to have happen. He knew exactly how he wanted and needed this conversation to go.
But he knew that things like this didn't need planned. Because no matter how hard you planned them out, right down to the smallest detail, they never followed your plans. They always had a way of throwing you a loop, something you never expected. Or just plain not wanting to cooperate.
Which is probably what he was looking at now. The fact that he was standing here, about to talk to the woman he loved about the most important thing he would probably ever talk to her about, and he had absolutely no idea what to say.
The ding of the bell signaling the arrival of the elevator broke Justin from his thoughts. Looking up, he watched the large metal doors swing open, revealing the empty box inside. Stepping in, Justin reached over and pushed the button for the ninth floor. Leaning back against the wall, Justin leaned his head on its cool surface and closed his eyes.
He was nervous. He was so nervous. He never thought he would be nervous talking to Erin, but he also never thought he would find himself in this sort of situation.
There were a lot of things in his life he never thought.
Justin tried to think of what he wanted to say when, and if, he finally got to see Erin.
Mostly, he knew he wanted to listen to what she had to say. What she was thinking and feeling about what had happened, now that she had had some time to step back and reflect. Now that she knew what happened, she had a lot of things to think about. And if she had been thinking even half as much as he had, then she would probably have a lot to say.
Most of what he would say would mostly depend on what she said and did.
He knew she would have more questions. And he was ready to answer them completely and honestly.
He knew she would probably be angry. Yelling was a definite. And he was ready to deal with that and respect anything that she threw at him. Words or otherwise.
But most of all, he wanted to show her just how much he really did love her. How sorry he was and how much it killed him to have to put her through this.
That, was his problem. He had no idea how to show her.
Words, unfortunately, are never enough. He knew that. He isn't that stupid. Its funny how words can tear something apart, or put it back together. They have such a power, but nothing compared to the power of actions. An action could destroy everything, and he found it funny how people thought a simple "I'm sorry" would be able to correct anything that their actions did. Long ago he decided that he didn't like the word 'sorry'. It didn't really do anything. Sure, some people needed to hear it. They usually requested it. As if it held any real meaning or ability to change to repair anything done. But he knew better. Yes, it was an act of regret just by saying that simple word, but in reality, it didn't fix anything. To him, it was almost more of an insult to hear. As if something could be fixed by one simple word.
Smiling to himself, he shook his head.
How many times had he said he was sorry to Erin? Fuck, too many times to count.
Hypocrite.
Another ding of the elevator bell broke him yet again from his thoughts, causing him to push away from the wall and step towards the doors just in time for them to open in front of him.
Stepping out into the foyer of her office, Justin took a deep breath.
It was now or never. Either she would see him, or not. But either way, at least he tried.
He walked quickly down the hall towards the small office near the end. He smiled politely at the other staff that he knew, most of whom recognized him from functions that Erin had drug him to over her time there.
Finally approaching the desired door, Justin found himself sweating. His heart was beating loudly in his ears, his mouth dry and palms damp.
God, what was he going to say? What was he going to do if she wouldn't talk to him? What was he going to say if she said she didn't want to be with him anymore?
So many questions that would be answered the second he made himself knock on the closed door in front of him.
Closing his eyes, Justin raised a trembling hand and quickly knocked three times before he had the chance to psyche himself out.
Lowering his hand, he opened his eyes and waited for a response.
"Come in." he heard faintly from the other side of the door.
A smile immediately came to his face. This was the first time in over a week that he had heard her voice. And he knew without a doubt that there was no sweeter sound to him in all the world.
Taking a deep breath, Justin reached out and turned the knob, before pushing the door open and taking a cautious step inside.
Looking in, he noticed Erins head was down, staring at some paperwork on the desk in front of her. She seemed engrossed by it, almost completely unaware of his presence in the room. The only reason he knew she knew he was there, was that she said told him to enter. Obviously, she had no idea it was him. She wasn't screaming yet.
Taking a few more steps inside, Justin closed the door to the office quietly. Clasping his hands behind his back, he noticed how sweaty his palms were. Quickly, he wiped them on the butt of his jeans.
He remained at the door. Both because he figured she would immediately tell him to leave when she saw him, and because he was a little afraid to enter any further.
Erin was still staring at the papers in front of her, her eyes narrowed in concentration. Justin took this moment to smile at her. She looked just as gorgeous as ever. Her hair pulled back, small strands falling forward. Her thin wire frame glasses perched on her nose. A pencil being chewed on relentlessly between her teeth. She looked stressed. She looked tired. And she never looked so beautiful.
After what seemed like forever, Erin finally raised her head to look at him. Her look was first one of relaxation, but the moment her eyes recognized him, Justin could see her body tense. It was obvious she wasn't expecting to see him standing there. Not that she should have expected it, but anyway.
For a while, neither of them said a word. Justin took it as both a good sign, and bad. Good because she didn't scream at him to leave the moment she saw him. And bad, because that only meant that her anger was quietly growing.
"What are you doing here Justin?" Erin finally asked, breaking the silence with a voice laced with anger.
"I," he started, clearing his throat which he just remembered was really dry. "I needed to talk to you. I needed to see you."
"I thought we agreed you would stay away for a while." she said, her voice still calm.
"We did. Its been over a week. I know I promised I would stay away, but..."
"But promises aren't really something you like to keep, now are they?" she spat. The moment she say the words, she regretted them, but her face stayed frozen firm.
Justin had expected hostility. He didn't let her outburst faze him. He needed to do this.
"I know I promised to stay away," he repeated. "But we need to talk about this. We need to work this out."
"Why?" she asked, the calm tone back in her voice.
Justin couldn't help but looked shocked at her question. His eyes narrowed, his forehead furrowing in confusion. He shifted his weight nervously from one foot to the other.
"What do you mean?" he asked, stupidly.
"What do you mean, what do I mean?" she said. "I mean why do we need to talk about this? What else is there to talk about?"
"Everything." he answered quickly. Suddenly, any nervous anxiety or apprehension he felt was gone. Justin quickly walked up to Erins desk, sitting in the small leather chair in front of her. Leaning his weight forward, he rested his elbows on the edge of the desk. It was as close as he could get to her without her hitting him. "We need to talk about this. I know there is nothing I can say or do to fix what I did. I'm not going to pretend I can. I cant fix it. But we cant just walk away from everything. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. We can work passed this, if we try."
Erin was stayed quiet as she watched him closely, and Justin couldn't help but wonder if she was even listening to him.
"What do you want from me?" she asked, her voice small and sad. "What do you want me to say, Justin? That I forgive you? I cant. Because I don't forgive you. Maybe one day I will, but right now, I cant."
"That's fine." he said quickly. "I don't expect you to forgive me."
"Do you want me to tell you what to do to fix it? I cant do that either. Because there is nothing you can do. There are no words, and there are no actions to fix it. There is nothing."
Justin was quiet, not knowing what to say to her words.
"Do you want me to say I still love you? That I don't want to lose you and that I don't want to lost what we have together because you made a mistake?"
Justins eyes widened, waiting for her to finish her own thought. Everything that he needed to know would be answered.
"Of course I do." she sighed. "Of course I still love you. Ill always love you. Even when I hate you, I love you. I don't want to lose you, and I don't want to lose what we have over this. I cant picture my life without you, and Ill do whatever it takes for this to work. Ill try to work passed what you did. Ill try to forgive you eventually. But right now, I cant. I still need time. I still need time to think about that I need to do to be able to forgive you. I need to figure out that I need to do to stop myself from seeing her every time I look at you. I just need time. So if you want me to tell you what you can do to make this all better, then I will. Just give me more time, Justin."
Justin couldn't help but smile. It was a small smile, because he didn't want to seem overly happy in case it was taken the wrong way. But he couldn't help the small grin from coming to his face.
She still loved him. She didn't want to lose him. She didn't want to lose what they had.
That was all he needed to hear. And if all she needed was more time to be able to make this work, and to be able to put their lives back together, then he would give her as much time as she needed.
"Ill give you as much time as you need." he said, his voice low. "I know there is nothing I can do to help you through this. There is nothing I can say or do to make this hurt any less. The only thing I can say is that I love you. I love you so much its killing me to know that I hurt you. That I drove you away like this and that I'm making you question my love for you."
"I tried not to." she said. "I tried not to question your love for me. But how couldn't I? I felt like I wasn't enough for you. Like I was lacking, so you had to find it somewhere else. I know it was just a drunken mistake, but when you're up all night thinking, you think some pretty odd things."
Justin smiled at her. Reaching across the desk, Justin took one of her hands in his. Thankfully, she didn't pull away. Lowering his chin, he looked at her. "Through all my actions. Through my ego, through all my wrongs, I was always faithful in my love for you. That I made you doubt it? That is just the greatest mistake in a lifetime full of mistakes."
A nervous laugh escaped Erins lips, as a tear slid from her eye and down her cheek.
They sat in silence for a while. Neither moving or saying a word.
Finally, Justin stood from his chair, and in only a few steps, crossed the distance between himself and Erin. Pulling her from her chair, he wrapped his arms tightly around her. Erin did not resist his embrace. Burying her face in his chest, she took comfort in his arms.
There they stood. They had finally reached the point that neither were sure they would find.
Justin would give her the time she needed. He had come to her to resolve the first step in their problem. He would let her make the next step. When she was ready, she would come to him. All he had to do was wait.
And standing here now, with the woman he loved wrapped tightly in his arms, Justin knew without a doubt, that this time, the wait wouldn't seem to endless.
