"There's a thousand words that I could say.....to make you come home.....yeah.....seems so long ago you walked away.....left me alone....and I remember what you said to me.....you were acting so strange....and maybe I was to blind to see.....that you needed a change...."
"Was it something I said to make you turn away....to make you walk out and leave me cold....if I could just find a way to make it so that you were right here....right now...."
The steady sound of the music filled the empty arena, echoing off the far walls and coming back to the stage. The harmonies mixed with the music were smooth, as if created by one voice.
A heavy set man, about the age of forty, stepped up to the front of the stage. Headphones covering his ears, he slid them back to be able to listen to the voices as they were projected through the stadium.
"Ive been sitting here.....cant get you off my mind....Ive tried my best to be a man and be strong.....I drove myself insane......wishing I could touch your face.....but the truth remains youre....gone."
The man smiled, before pulling the headphones completely off his head. Jogging up a small section of stairs to the left of the stage, he walked towards the side area and stepped in behind a panel of equipment. Nodding at another man behind the panel, he looked back to the men on the stage.
Picking up a small microphone from a table to his right, he called out to them. "Sounds good guys." he smiled to them with a nod. The music stopped, and the five men turned to look at him. "I think everything is a go for tonight. You guys are free to go back to the hotel now if you would like."
The moment the man finished his sentence, Joey and Chris were running towards the backstage area. Joey reached out and grabbed Chris by the shoulders, pulling him back behind him so he could get the lead. Chris wasn't about to let Joey beat him, jumping on his back to slow down his escape. Rushing up to the man, they tossed their microphones on the table and took off.
JC and Lance grinned at the spectacle they made as they casually walked towards the backstage area. Placing their microphones next to the ones Chris and Joey had set down, they laughed as they heard Joey screaming for Chris to get the hell off his back.
Justin followed slowly, taking his time. Placing his microphone with the rest, he slid his hands in his pockets as he followed behind the other guys on their way to their dressing room.
Chris and Joey were already out of sight as Justin made it to a long hallway leading to the dressing rooms, game room and visitor area. Lance and JC were quite a few steps ahead, chatting about the show to come that night.
Justin sighed, pushing his hands further in his pockets as he sluffed his feet on the floor. Looking down at the ground, he allowed his mind to wander as he made his way to the dressing room.
'Why would she call me?' he wondered to himself. 'How the hell did she know what hotel I was staying at?'
Those questions had been plaguing Justin for the last two days.
After receiving Trystans message, Justin had been procrastinating on calling her back. He felt that he should, but wasn't sure if he should. He felt a sense of obligation, considering how he left her that morning in New York, but didn't understand why she would want to talk to him. He knew he would have to break down and call soon, but he wasn't sure what to say.
He had talked to Erin the night before, and again had not mentioned anything about his drunken one night stand with Trystan. Now, since he had avoided the topic twice, he knew there was no way he could tell her now. It was almost like a reassurance that he needed to make sure he didn't tell her. He felt horrible about having to keep such a secret from her, but as he told himself over and over, it was for her own good. He couldn't bare to hurt her that way. Having to look at her heartbroken face, her hurt eyes and tearful cheeks when the realization hit that he had actually slept with someone else. He couldn't do that to her. And no matter what, he wouldn't do that to her.
Some would say that was the cowards way out. That he was more doing it for himself than for her, but Justin didn't see it that way. He knew that if Erin did find out, that he wouldn't blame her in the least if she chose to leave him. He knew he deserved anything she said or did to him for what he had done. It was the hurt that she would feel that made him stop. That made him more certain every day that he should not tell her.
It was in the best interest of everyone involved if he just forgot it ever happened.
Of course, that would be easier said than done. Considering it was all he had thought about for the last five days. It plagued his thoughts and consumed his dreams. It was in the back of his mind during the concerts, haunting him as he signed autographs for fans. No matter what he did or where he went, it was there with him.
He had made sure to hide the message from her in a small locked compartment of his suitcase. Chris had the tendency to rummage through other peoples belongings in search of something to either amuse himself, or as part of whatever prank he was inflicting at the moment. But if Justin kept the message hidden, Chris wouldn't be able to find it. If Chris didn't find it, no questions would be asked. Therefore, Justin wouldn't have to explain, or admit to what he had done.
It was bad enough that he could barely look at himself day after day. He didn't want the people he cared for; his friends or family to look at him with the same look of disappointment as he did to himself.
"DUDE!" Chris' scream interrupted Justin from his wandering thoughts, causing him to look up in shock.
"What the hell are you doing?" Chris said, jogging up behind Justin. "Where are you going?"
Justin looked at Chris confused for a moment, before raising his eyes to look around.
He had walked right passed the door to the games room, where the rest of the guys were now waiting. He was about a hundred feet past the door, headed towards nothing. It was a dead end. If Chris hadn't yelled at him, Justin would probably have walked right into the wall.
"Um," Justin said, shaking his head at himself. "Sorry man. My mind wandered."
Chris laughed. "And people say I'm weird." Grabbing Justin by the arm, Chris drug him back towards the games room. "Com'on. We have to wait for Lonnie and Dre before we can go back to the hotel. We don't want you wandering off, cause as soon as they get back here, we're gone."
Justin only nodded in response, allowing Chris to drag him back towards the games room.
Entering the room, Justin was flooded with the sounds of the pinball machine in the corner, with Joey at the controls. Lance was parked in front of the touch-screen machine, playing some kind of card game. JC was laying on a couch against the far wall, his arm over his eyes as he obviously tried to sleep. Chris rushed into the room, jumping on JCs stomach.
"Umph!" JC grunted as Chris smiled down at him. Giving Chris a less than amused look, JC rolled over, causing Chris to fall on the floor with a thud. "Screw off, dude. Go bug Justin if you're hyper." he grumbled as he closed his eyes again.
Chris stuck his lip out in a pout. "I don't wanna bug Justin right now. I wanna bug you."
JC ignored him, hoping Chris would get the hint. Unfortunately, he didn't.
"Com'on, man, entertain me." Chris whined, turning to sit Indian style facing JC.
"Entertain yourself."
"Don't tell him that, man!" Joey called from the pinball machine. "Last time Lance told him to do that, we found him with underwear on his head reenacting some scene from Peter Pan."
As the other men around him chattered and bickered about Chris and underwear, Justin lost himself in his thoughts again.
Justin knew he had been acting strangely, but he couldn't help it. The more he tried to act normal around the guys, the more obvious it was that it was all an act. When he tried to avoid them, they just wound up following him more. Justin figured he better either call her and get it over with, or find better hiding places on the bus.
He had a feeling they knew something was bothering him, and it was definitely more than just tour sickness or anxiety. They knew him too well to buy his lame assed lines of being home sick or whatever stupid excuse he had been using. For the first couple days, they questioned him a few times about his odd behavior, but luckily for him they hadn't said anything more about it for the last few days. He had hoped that they had either just bought his excuses, or decided it was none of their business that that he would work it out himself. Either way, at least they weren't asking him if he was alright, anymore.
He was going to call Trystan that night. When they got back to the hotel before the show, he was going to call her. If he kept putting it off, it would drive him insane like it had for the last few days. The sooner he got it over with, the sooner he could forget about it and move on.
For the life of him he couldn't figure out what she may want. For her to actually go to the trouble of tracking him down at his hotel, it must be something important. But there was nothing that Justin could think that would warrant her trying to contact him.
Maybe she was just wanting to see if he was alright, after his strange behavior that morning? Sure, it sounded possible, but who really did that? Called a one night stand to see if they were handling it alright? Whatever.
"J?" a loud, booming voice called from above Justns head. Looking up, Justin grinned at Lonnie.
"Com'on man." Lonnie said, pointing to the door. "We're going. And you better hurry before Chris tries to drive the van away without you again."
Smiling at the huge man above him, Justin pushed himself up from the couch, and followed him to the door.
Justin hung the phone up for the tenth time. Groaning, he ran his hands over his face. Sighing, he let his eyes fall to the piece of paper on the bed beside him. He read over the message, and the phone number again. No matter how many times he read it, he just couldnt make himself call.
He had been trying for the last twenty minutes to get up the nerve to call Trystan. But every time he picked up the phone, he would press no more than three numbers, panic, and hang up again.
He didn't know what he was so nervous about. He wanted to know what she wanted, and all he had to do to find out, was call her. But calling her had sounded like such an easy thing back at the stadium. Now, it didn't seem so easy.
He was nervous of hearing her voice again. Scared of having the images flash back in his head, the fear he felt that morning to be rekindled in his stomach, and the panic to overtake him again. All that from the sound of her voice.
Closing his eyes, he reached out and picked the phone up again. Quickly, before he had the chance to lose his nerve, he opened his eyes and dialed the number in its entirety.
Placing the phone to his ear, he jumped slightly at the sound of the first ring. His stomach was churning, his heart racing. His mouth was dry and his palms sweating. All this from a fucking phone call. God, he was sad.
Another ring screeched through the phone, and Justin wondered what he would do if an answering machine picked up. Should he leave a message? Should he hang up and call back later? He knew that if he hung up, he wouldn't call back again. It had taken him all this time just to call the first time, there was no way he would be able to make himself call again.
"Hello?" a voice answered the phone, shocking Justin from his thoughts.
His eyes widened, and suddenly he forgot how to speak.
"Hello?" the voice called again, slightly louder this time.
"Um," Justin squeaked, his voice soft. Clearing his throat, he spoke up. "Hi, is Trystan there."
"Speaking." the voice said, slightly softer in its tone.
Justins heart skipped a beat, his hand clenching at his side.
Thankfully, the thoughts of that morning didn't reenter his mind at the sound of her voice. He felt nervous and anxious, but not like he had that morning. Her voice didn't bring that the panic that he thought it would, and he quickly regained his composure.
"Hi, Trystan." he said, trying to keep his voice casual. "Its Justin."
There was a long pause on the other end of the line, before Trystans voice called back through. "Justin." she said, as if trying to get a grasp on who she was talking to. A moment later, she spoke up again. "Hi."
"Hey." he said.
Neither of them said anything for a moment, and Justin wondered if she was going to say anything at all.
"Um," he said, picking at a loose string on the blanket beneath him. Stretching out further on his hotel room bed, he tried to keep himself calm. "You called me? I got your message in Philly. Sorry I didn't call sooner, but Ive been busy." He found himself beginning to ramble, and quickly stopped himself.
"That's okay," she said, her voice much more in control than he had expected it to be. "I understand that you are busy."
Again, another silence. Justin closed his eyes as he spoke. "What was it that you needed?" He didn't mean to word it in such a way, or for his voice to be so impatient, but it had just come out that way before he had the chance to stop it.
"Um," she said, obviously a little taken back by his tone. "I just wanted to see if you were okay. You seemed really freaked out the other morning, and I felt really bad."
Justins eyes shot open, and he couldn't help his mouth from dropping open. She had called to see if he was alright? Whoa. That was the only word he could think of right then. Whoa.
"Um," he sputtered. "Im okay. Still a little confused, but I'm alright. How are you? I mean, are you okay?"
"Oh yeah, I'm fine." she said, her voice immediately back to a casual, almost happy tone. "I just kind of laid in bed most of the day. I stayed the night at the hotel. I don't really know why, but since you booked it for me for another night, I felt that I should at least stay there so it wasn't a waste." she giggled.
Justin couldn't seem to understand her. She was nervous and unsure one moment, and giggling and composed the next. It was as if she was talking to an old friend, rather than some guy she had a one night stand with.
"Good." Justin said, nodding to himself. "Im glad to hear that you're alright." Sighing, he continued. "To be honest, I felt really bad about just walking out that morning. Leaving you there like that. There really was nothing I could do, and I was really confused and upset that morning."
"Its okay, Justin. You don't have to explain. I understand that you had to go. Its your job, and you had to go." she said, her voice comforting.
He nodded, as if she could see him. His mind was racing with a million thoughts and questions. He wondered if she had remembered anything from that night, but almost didn't want to ask. He wasn't sure if he really wanted to know what happened, incase it only made his situation worse. He was having enough trouble with the thoughts and actions he knew about, without having to deal with the ones he couldn't remember.
"Listen," Trystan spoke up, her voice cheery. "You guys are going to be in Cleveland in a couple of days, right?"
"Yeah." Justin replied, his forehead furrowing in confusion.
"Well, I'm going to be down there visiting a friend. She goes to school down there, and I was figuring maybe I could see you. Since we're in the same city and all."
Justin was immediately confused at her request. Again, it was as if she were talking to an old friend she hadn't seen in ages. But that simply wasn't the case. Not at all. Here Justin was trying his best to forget that night had ever happened, and now she wanted to meet up with him? That definitely wouldnt help his 'forget about it' plan.
He immediately wanted to say no to her request. He didn't want to see her again, knowing it would only bring back the reminders of what he had done. But at the same time, he couldn't think of a way to turn her down. He felt he owed it to her, in some strange way, to see her again. To make sure she was alright and to do right by her. Talk to her, and make her feel better, the way he should have done that morning instead of rushing out the door.
Closing his eyes, he shook his head. "Um," he sighed. "Okay." The moment the word was out of his mouth, he regretted it. But he knew there was no way he could take it back.
What would be the real harm? Just see the girl again, be nice to her, and make sure she really is alright. Maybe it would even make him feel better to know that she doesn't hold any animosity towards him for the way he acted. Maybe it would help in some sick way, get rid of his guilt.
Not fucking likely, but it was worth a shot.
"Great." she exclaimed excitedly. "Ill call your hotel when you guys get to town, and we can set something up. Sound good?"
'Not really' he thought to himself. "Sure."
"Good. Well, I better let you go. Have a good show tonight, Justin. See you soon."
Rubbing his eyes hard, as if in pain, Justin fought back his emotions. "Bye."
The sound of the phone being hung up on her end, Justin slowly reached across and hung up his phone.
He stared blankly ahead of him, his eyes not taking in anything that they saw. His mind was racing, barely pausing on a single thought to make any sense of it.
He was going to see her again. The woman he had a one night stand with. The woman he cheated on his girlfriend with.
She had called him, asked him to meet her, and he had said yes.
It seemed as if he just kept screwing up. No matter how he tried to analyze, break down or even fix the situation he had placed himself in, all he kept doing was making it worse.
And for the life of him, he didn't know how to make it better.
