The steady roar of fans filled every corner of the arena.
It was a less than an hour before show time, and the fans were still filing into the arena, waiting impatiently for a night of excitement, energy and entertainment.
Their endless squeals of delight, mindless chatter and occasional flash of a camera was the usual scene one could expect at these shows. These thousands of people had waited for months for this night, and now that they were within less than an hour of their dream, it was driving them insane.
The second of the three opening acts was now on stage, and the music was pounding the walls of the building. Faintly, a voice could be heard over the music and screaming, although you couldn't make out any of the words.
Deep within the backstage area, in a quiet room at the end of a long hallway, a man sat on a couch, his head buried in his hands.
Usually at this time, he was pumped. Ready to show the world why NSync was where they were, and that they deserved to be where they were. He was ready to show the fans what they wanted, and thank them for being there for him in every way. Thank them for the support and love they gave unconditionally.
But that was not how he felt tonight. Not at all.
He didn't want to go out on that stage tonight. More so than ever, he wanted to be home. Safe. With her.
Sniffing loudly, he raised his head from his hands, leaning his elbows on his knees. Clasping them tightly in front of him, he stared blankly ahead in thought.
Two hours ago, he had left two third row tickets at the venue box office. In a plain white envelope, he had to fight to keep his hand from shaking at he wrote her name on the paper. He had sent Claire, one of their stylists, to leave the envelope at the box office.
Claire had been with the tour for years, and Justin knew she was the one person who never questioned him. No matter what stupid thing he did, she never questioned his actions or his choices. And this time was no exception. She merely took the envelope, and disappeared down the hall towards the box office. Without a single question asked.
Justin couldn't help but think what he would do if he saw her in the audience that night. He knew he would have to carry on and act normal. With the press and the number of fans gathered tonight, he knew that they would notice if anything seemed out of place with him. The fans had an amazing way about them for knowing if something was wrong.
He would occasionally surf some of the fans sites dedicated to them, and it was interesting to see what some of them wrote.
Some about how they adored him. About a concert they had attended. Pretty much everything. Things Justin didn't even think about himself, they were thinking and talking about.
Most of all, he liked to read their reviews of the shows. It was one thing to have a fan tell you to your face that they enjoyed the show. They would always say they loved it, and keep any criticisms to themselves. They weren't about to tell their idols that they sounded flat or that their clothes were too wild.
This way, Justin got the full truth to how they felt about the shows. What they thought about everything from the set lists, to the costumes, to the jokes they played on stage. A true review.
On the last tour, Justin had had a bad day, and it showed in the show that night. He figured no one really noticed, until he went online a few weeks later and checked out a review from that night by a fan who had been sitting in the fifth row.
'The show was really good. It was one of the most exhilarating nights of my life, and they gave me everything I was hoping for. It really showed how much they love what they do.
But Justin seemed a little upset. He was joking around, and singing great, but you could tell something was wrong. Maybe it was just me, but I don't think he was feeling great that night.'
That small review gave Justin more insight to the fans point of view than ever before.
Their perception was sometimes amazing, and their dedication more so.
Now he sat there, moments before show time, worrying about what they would see in him that night.
Since then, he had worked even harder on making sure never to let on that something was wrong. These people paid to see him at his best, and no matter what happened during they day, he made sure not to let it interfere with his ability to perform.
He had been doing a good job since that night in New York. He had borrowed Lances lap top a few days earlier, and checked out fan reviews from the shows since then. No where did it say anything about his odd behavior, and he was thankful.
But this time it was different. This time, it wasn't just his thoughts that were going to be interfering with his performance. This time, the person his thoughts were focused on was going to be sitting in the audience, watching him.
This time, it was much closer.
Leaning back on the couch, Justin closed his eyes. Resting his head on the back of the couch, he tried his best to clear his cluttered mind.
Any thought of Trystan. The night in New York. The afternoon at the cafe. Anything. He wanted it all to disappear.
Sighing deeply, he tried to relax.
He had gotten back to the hotel after his meeting with Trystan almost twenty minutes later than he promised Dre he would be. The huge man was about to get mad at Justin, before he pulled out a bag full of treats and dangled it in front of him.
Justin had made sure to go to the corner store and buy bags of chips, chocolate and treats, to make sure that Dres suspicion wasn't raised. If he showed up empty handed, questions would be asked. Questions Justin didn't want to have to answer.
Returning to his room, he tossed his bag of candy on the table, crashing his body on the bed.
No matter how he tried to fix this, it just got worse. And no matter how he tried to dig his way out, he found himself deeper, somehow.
Hopefully, this would be the end of it. Tonight's concert would end, they would move on to the next city, and it would be done. They would leave her there, and he would finally get his closure.
He had done his part. He knew there was nothing he could do to make right what had happened, and now he realized that.
It was a mistake. Yes, you feel guilty. Yes, you try to rectify your wrongs. But there is an end to everything, and it was about time he found the end to his self torment.
The concert tonight would be the last time he saw her. No more phone calls. No more meetings. Once was enough, and if he ever planned on getting her out of his life, it was going to have to be done. He was going to have to do it, because no one else was going to be able to do it for him.
He knew his thoughts were just a lame attempt at a pep talk, and that if she called him he would guilt himself into answering her. But at least he was making an attempt to be strong. That was worth something, right?
Suddenly, the door to the dressing room swung open, and JC came bouncing into the room.
For a man who spent the majority of his time sleeping, or complaining that he didn't get enough sleep, he sure did get excited before a show. His energy was enough to run the show all on his own.
"You ready to go, J?" JC asked as he stepped up to stand in front of Justin.
Justin quickly composed himself, ending his self pity fest. Smiling up at his friend, he nodded. "Yup. Ready to rock, baby."
JC looked at him strangely, raising an eyebrow. "That sucked."
"What?" Justin said, his eyebrows merging in question.
"That lie. It sucked." JC repeated as he sat beside Justin on the couch. "You wanna be honest now?"
"Honest about what?"
"What's been bothering you lately. And don't say its the tour, because that's shit. Yeah, you're tired and want to go home, but this is different and we all know it. You haven't been yourself for a while now, and we're worried about you." JCs eyes pleaded with Justin for some sort of explanation. And although it pained Justin to have to keep this from his best friend, he knew he couldn't tell him.
"I'm fine, man. Really. I don't know what's wrong, but its not serious. I think I'm just in a funk, and once this tour in done Ill come out of it."
JC didn't believe him for a second, but if he knew only one thing about Justin it was that you didn't demand answers. If something was wrong, he liked to try and fix it himself. Sure, he usually screwed it up, but then he would come and admit his mistakes and ask for help. It was something to be waited for, even if waiting was driving them all insane.
Sighing loudly, JC nodded. "I don't believe you, but I'm going to accept that answer for now."
"Gee, thanks." Justin said, laughing.
Punching Justin playfully in the arm, JC began to bounce on the couch. "So, you talked to Erin?"
Justin grinned at the mention of her name, but the feeling of guilt in his stomach was just as powerful as the feeling of comfort she provided. "Yeah. I talked to her yesterday."
"What's she up to?"
"She went with Hannah to Georgia for a couple days, but she's home now. She said her grandma made me cookies." Justin laughed.
JC pouted. "What? Where's my cookies?"
"You got some for your birthday." Justin said, smirking at JCs expression.
Crossing his arms over his chest, JC continued to whine. "So? I love cookies."
Justin shook his head, ignoring JCs pout. "Anyway, she's doing good. She took her vacation time from work starting the week we get back. So now at least we can spend some time together."
"How is life as a legal assistant treating her?" JC asked, his pouting expression faded.
"Good. She says things are a little slow right now. Nothing too exciting. So its good that she's taking her vacation time now. If she was leaving some big case, you know it would be driving her insane the whole time and she wouldn't be able to let herself relax. This way, she can have fun."
Justin smiled at the thought of Erin.
She loved her work, almost as much as he loved his. Maybe, in a different way, just as much.
She had graduated from high school a year early, wanting to get a head start on college. Even as a little girl, she knew she wanted to be in the legal profession. Knowing she didn't want the full responsibility of being a lawyer, she opted for the next best thing. This way, she was able to be right in there; in the deep, meaningful work of the case, without the pressure of holding someone's life in her hands.
It was one of the many things he loved about her. Her dedication. She worked hard in everything she did, and rarely let anything stand in her way.
She was one of the most driven, hard working, and brilliant women he had ever met. And if it was at all possible, it made him love her more.
The door to the dressing room opened again, and Dre stuck his head inside.
"Guys," his booming voice called to the two on the couch. "Anthony wants you guys out here. We're still waiting for Chris, but you gotta get out here now, okay?"
"Sure thing, man." JC called back to him.
Looking back to Justin, JC was surprised to find the same lost, nervous expression on his face that he had found when he had first walked into the room moments before.
The same expression Justin had been holding for the last week or so, that had raised to much concern within everyone around him.
"You ready to go, J?" JC asked, his voice quiet. Almost comforting.
Justin looked up at JC, and tried to smile.
This was it. He was going to go have to go out there and perform like any other night, knowing that she was out in that audience. From his invitation, she was there.
Standing up slowly, he rubbed his hands over his face.
"Justin?" JC said, leaning forward to stand in Justins point of view. "You ready?"
'Not in the least.' he thought to himself.
Running his hands through his hair, Justin sighed before looking back up to JC.
"Ready as Ill ever be."
