The quiet hum of the engine was like a lullaby to those inside the bus as it sped down the highway on its way to the next city. The dark night outside was like an endless void, where nothing could be seen but black. Occasionally, another vehicle would pass going the opposite direction, but those were few and far between at this time of night.
Inside the huge bus, there was no movement. The only person awake was Colin, the bus driver, who hummed softly to himself along with the radio that was turned down so quiet, only he could hear it.
Dre was stretched out on one of the long bench sofas along the one side of the bus, while Lonnie sat across from him at the kitchen table, snoring softly as he sat propped up against the wall.
JC was asleep in his bunk the moment he climb in over three hours ago. He was always the first to fall asleep at any time, but when they were on the bus for overnight drives, he was almost immediately asleep when in his bunk.
Chris had stayed up for a while playing video games in the room in the back of the bus, but quickly grew tired and crashed on the small sofa against the back wall. The TV was still on, casting a blue glow in the otherwise dark room.
The bus rocked back and forth like a swing swaying softly in the breeze. They had said it many times before, but no matter how awake you may feel, that bus would rock you to sleep any time.
Well, almost any time.
One person was still awake on this quiet bus. One person still unable to turn his mind off, and forget the worries of the world long enough to drift off to a quiet slumber. The same person who had been having this problem for almost two weeks.
Laying on his back as he stared up at the bunk above him, Justin could hear his own breathing clearly. It was almost the only thing he could hear other than the sounds of the bus moving down the road. The occasional snort or grunt from his fellow passengers would sound out, but other than that, he was completely unaware of anything around him other than his breathing.
It had been helping him for the last couple nights if he could just focus on one thing; one thing to keep his mind locked on so that it wouldn't drift to those millions of thoughts that had been haunting him. Once it was counting how many times Chris would swear at the TV. Another time it was how many cars he could hear passing by the bus. Tonight, it was his own breathing.
Some people counted sheep. Justin listened to himself breathe.
His hands linked together over his stomach, he could feel them rise and fall with each breath he took. Taking deeper breaths, it was cleansing to him. Therapeutic almost. As if with each exhale, he was releasing some of the tension he had been feeling for the last little while.
He was unable to close his eyes, though. He had tried many times already, but it would only result in his mind recreating the concert that night, and he wanted to be able to have a clear mind when he slept. Usually, if something was in his head when he fell asleep, he would sometimes dream about that thought. And this was certainly not something he wanted to dream about.
So now, he lay staring at the bunk above him, listening to his own breathing, thinking of nothing for the first time in a very long time.
And for the first time in what seemed to him like an eternity, he felt free.
Sure, there was still the guilt of knowing what he had done to Erin. Knowing that it was something that he could never take back. And more importantly, something he had to carry with him forever; unable to confide in anyone for the fear of hurting anyone involved.
But now, he had some sense of closure. It was a small step, but it was better than he had been twenty four hours ago.
The show had run smoothly, much to his gratification.
He had been nervous stepping out on that stage that night. Knowing she was probably there, in the seats he had given her, made him more nervous than he had been in a very long time.
He wasn't sure what it was about having her there that scared him the most. Just the fact that the person that knew what he did--the only other person other than himself that knew--was there. He was afraid if the other guys looked out and saw her, they would know by the way he made eye contact with her that something was up. He was terrified something in his face would give away the reason she was there and what she did to be there."
Stepping out onto that stage, he kept his mind blank. Focusing only on the performance at hand, he kept his concentration everywhere but that small section of audience to his left. His eyes avoided that area at all costs, and he tried to stay more to the right side of the stage.
Part way through the show, Joey had dragged him over to the left side of the stage for some reason. Although he had been running back and forth partially through the night, he never stayed at that side longer than a few moments. And more importantly, he didn't look into the front of the crowd.
Stepping out on the corner of the stage, Justin leaned on Joey to keep from acting nervous. If he just joked around like always, the fans wouldn't notice that he was shaking.
Almost as if by their own accord, his eyes drifted through the first few rows. At first, he didn't see her and his nerves settled.
Then, suddenly, he saw her. Standing in front of the seat he had assigned to her, she stood smiling at him.
He knew she noticed him looking at her the moment their eyes made contact. She smiled, gave a small wave, and continued to sing along with the song. Justin did nothing to acknowledge her gesture, and quickly averted his gaze.
Moments later, he made his way back to the middle of the stage.
Although it was only a few seconds that their eyes made contact, Justin couldn't seem to get that image out of his head.
Her standing in the audience, her dark hair falling slightly passed her shoulders, swaying gently as she danced to the music. Her lips moving to the words, her eyes locked on him.
Every time he closed his eyes, he saw that image.
The moment the show was over, Justin quickly made his way off stage and headed towards the buses. The rest of the guys rushed to keep up with him, and Lonnie had said more that once for him to slow down and not get too far ahead of them.
But Justin was on a mission. He wanted nothing more than to get on that bus, and have it pull out of the venue parking lot as fast as it could. Hell, if Colin would let him, he would drive the bus himself.
He wanted nothing more than to leave the city of Cleveland, and leave Trystan behind with it.
He needed to get away from her, and everything that reminded him of her. First, New York. Now, Cleveland.
He knew that neither city would ever hold the same appeal that it once did. Every time he came back to those two places, he would be reminded of what he had done, and he would feel the same way he felt now.
As he climbed on the bus, he quickly made his way to the back room of the bus. Chris followed, immediately plopping down in front of the TV to play a video game.
Justin leaned his arm over the back of the couch, and waited impatiently for the buses to pull out.
After what seemed like forever, the engines fired up and they began to slowly make their way out of the lot.
Justin watched a small group of fans that had gathered at the gates to watch their buses leave, and he smiled at their happy faces as the bus made its way through the crowd and towards the road.
When they finally pulled out onto the highway, Justin felt a sense of relief.
Knowing that he was finally leaving her behind, made him be able to take his first breath of relief in what seemed like forever.
Leaving New York, he was haunted with the thoughts of what she was feeling. How he had acted and if she was alright. Now, seeing her and talking to her, he knew she was fine with what had happened, and had some to grips with it, honestly, much better than he had.
Seeing her again had been something he never wanted to have happen, but at the same time, it was something he needed to have happen. If not, he would always wonder if she held any animosity towards him for his actions. Now he knew that she didn't.
He knew he shouldn't have invited her to the concert, and had been agonizing over it all day, but now that it was over, he knew it was the perfect way to leave it all behind. He was able to talk things out with her a little, and even be able to do something nice for her to somewhat make up for what happened.
Now, he would be free of her. She had called him initially to make sure he was alright, and she now knew that he was. Therefore, there should be no more phone calls, and he would be able to move on without any further reminders.
He knew things would be easier said than done when it came to forgetting what happened. The moment he got home and saw Erin again, he was fully aware that the guilt and betrayal he felt would be brought back up to the surface, but now he felt stronger in the belief that he could handle it.
He had been thinking over and over if he was handling this right by not telling her, and after way too much thought, he knew he was. He could almost see her hurt look in his mind at the words, telling her that he had been unfaithful. It would kill her to know, and kill him to have to admit it.
It was better off a secret from her, and he would take it to the grave if that meant keeping her from any pain it would cause.
Sighing deeply, Justin once again tried to focus his concentration on his breathing.
The bus wasn't so quiet now, however. He could now hear the faint sounds of a video game being played in the back room. Chris had probably woken up and gotten a second wind. Chris rarely slept through the night after a show; usually too hyper. He may get a little nap, but would wake up a little while later.
Rolling over onto his side, Justin stared at the cloth curtain closing him off from the rest of the world.
He could faintly see a dim light coming in from the bottom of the curtain, but it wasn't enough to illuminate anything.
A soft bang across from him signaled JC moving around in his bunk.
The sound of a car passing the bus made a loud hum as it drove down the road.
Slowly, Justin was becoming more aware of everything around him. He was no longer lost in his own little world; concentrating solely on his guilt and confusion.
He was finally letting go.
He smiled to himself, tucking his hands beneath his head.
He had been right. All he needed was some kind of closure, and he would be able to get some sort of life back together.
Now, he had a little less than a week before the tour ended and he would be back home. Hopefully with each passing day, he would think less and less of Trystan and that night in New York City, and by the time he saw Erin again, he would be able to enjoy being with the one person who made his life worth while, without the blinding sense of guilt that had been plaguing him.
That was his plan. Just take it one day at a time, and slowly he would think of it less and less.
Again, easier said than done, but this time it didn't seem to impossible.
He wouldn't see her again. He wouldn't hear from her again. And everything would be as it should be.
Closing his eyes, Justin smiled wider to himself when he saw nothing. No image of Trystan at the concert. No thoughts of Erins hurt expression if she ever found out. Just blackness.
Opening his eyes again, Justin sighed.
"One day at a time." he said quietly to himself.
Rolling back onto his back, Justin turned his head away from the curtain, and closed his eyes.
And for the first time in a long time, he fell into a peaceful sleep.
