Chapter 10:
*Author's note: Later on in this chapter, I'm getting into serious stuff about Howie. I know you all know this is fiction, but I felt like I should stress again, that I have no idea how exactly Howie feels about the loss of his sister, or how things were when Caroline passed away. What I wrote, I made up. That's all I wanted to say. And that I'm sorry that that little part of my story - the mention of his sister's death - is true.*
I don't think I had only got the impression that AJ was fine because I couldn't read his mind. Anyway, probably if I had known what was going on in his head, I would've known why the nightmares began.
As usual, I sat on one side of AJ's bed, watching him sleep like I did every night. Even when he was asleep, I could feel him. I knew whether he felt happy, whether he was contented, tired, cranky or whatever. That night though started out with me feeling nothing. That was something that highly confused me, if not even scared me. I actually got up to check if he was still breathing. When I found that he did, I sat back down and watched, more attentive than ever.
Half an hour later he started stirring in his sleep. Only slightly, but the way he shut his eyes closed more tightly, as if frowning, told me he wasn't feeling well. Finally his sadness hit me. I could do nothing at first, but sit there and feel as if my whole rip-cage was being pressed together by an enormous fist. I wanted to cry, even though I didn't hurt.
The more minutes passed, the more restless AJ was. Then suddenly one of his arms shot out from under the covers, stretched out towards me. His hand was open and it almost looked like he was reaching for me. I took it as a sign. I didn't know what else to do anyway, so I sat down on the bed beside him, and put my hand on his. I remembered what Cat had told me, so my fingertips were touching his just gingerly first, before I very slowly sank my hand onto his.
I didn't know if it was going to help. I just wanted to let him know he wasn't alone. He stopped tossing and turning soon, but I hadn't chased the nightmare away. I wanted him to feel better, not lastly because his sadness was creeping through all that was me and it felt heart-breaking, so I closed my eyes and started whispering. I whispered sweet nothings, telling him not to be afraid, not to be sad. Telling him he was going to be alright. "You're not alone, AJ. You're- ...I'm not alone anymore. We're going to be just fine."
I don't think he remembered his nightmare, because the next morning his feelings told me he was in a good mood, as usual. The only reminder was that he felt tired, but he blamed it on having to get up so early.
It was also the morning that Howie's girlfriend Georgia arrived. Accompanied by Nikola, of course. Her best friend and guardian angel.
Connor had been absolutely right: Nikola loved to chat! She was all excited about getting to know me, and told us all about this "psycho angel" she had met three weeks ago.
"The guy was so weird", she laughed. "Not like crazy or anything, just...oh wow, you should've seen him. He must've been some gothic dude in his life. He even had a cross around his neck that hung upside down. I bet he never in a million years expected to become a guardian angel." She laughed even more, as she joked: "Renae, I never thought I'd find anyone more weird than you!" We all laughed, including Renae, who stuck out her middle finger at Nikola anyway.
That evening the Boys and crew decided to have a little party. The tour was going great, Georgia had arrived and they hadn't had a good party in a while, so why not throw one. Unfortunately AJ also decided that he didn't want to spend that night alone. I groaned the whole time, while he was picking up some pretty red-head with lines that were so blunt at times I thought she was going to smack him. But it seemed she wanted just the same - spending her night in his bed, so the three of us made our way to his room soon.
"Ok", I told myself. "I'm so not going to watch this." And so, after AJ closed the door behind him and already grabbed the girl to kiss her, I jumped right out of the room again. Since I couldn't leave any farther than 15 feet, I simply sat down in front of his door. I hoped he wouldn't have another nightmare tonight. I wondered if the girl was gonna stay long enough to see the sun rise.
Only a couple of minutes later I heard laughter from around the corner. Howie and Georgia had left the party as well, with Deandra and Nikola in tow, of course.
"Hey, Carrie!" Nikola called out to me.
"Hey guys", I replied weakly.
Deandra grinned: "He's got company, huh?" I nodded. "Are you gonna sit there all alone all night? If you don't wanna watch that, come with us!"
I contemplated for a moment if I would be able to do so, or if Howie's room was too far away, but it was right next door. It couldn't hurt to try anyway. So I got up, and we entered Howie's room. I groaned again, nothing new that evening: "And now what? Watch Howie and Georgie do their thing?"
Nikola chuckled: "How 'bout we just sit here and talk? I'm sure they'll do some talking as well, before they'll" - she mimicked my voice - "do their thing!"
We had indeed planned on talking, but the scene unfolding itself in front of us suddenly drew us in. We fell silent soon, while we watched the two lovers. Expecting something, but not knowing what it was. Not knowing we were waiting.
Georgia's fingers traced every line of Howie's face, sometimes touching his skin only lightly, sometimes resting at certain places. She seemed totally wrapped in her task of discovering Howie again, never speaking a word until she was finished.
"I could already tell, when you talked to me on the phone", she then stated.
"You could tell what?" Howie asked, who seemed as confused as I was. We both didn't know what Georgia was talking about.
"That you haven't felt well", she replied. "I don't mean physically. I mean that you're not as happy as you could and should be, honey."
"I'm fine", Howie insisted and laughed for her.
But Georgia stayed serious. "You're not." Then she smiled. "It's a tough job trying to lie to me, huh?!" Although I hardly knew her, I would have spontaneously agreed. The fact that she couldn't use her eyes anymore had trained her to use her ears, her touch and her instinct even more. Essentials are invisible to the eye, someone once said.
"Who says I'm lying?" Howie asked.
"The wrinkles on your forehead do, baby. There are more than there were before."
"Yeah?" Howie touched his own forehead, but obviously didn't notice any difference. But I guess that was just because he hadn't learned to read his own face - or anyone's face - with only the touch of his fingers, like Georgia had.
"You didn't sound very happy, whenever we talked, either. Are you stressed, Howie?"
Howie hesitated to answer. "Maybe, a little. Yeah", he admitted. "But I haven't lied to you anyway", he claimed. "I'd never."
Georgia nodded. "Maybe you haven't lied, but you're hiding something from me." She placed her hands on his cheeks again and caressed him gently. "Howie, you know you can come to me with everything."
Howie nodded, knowing she knew by the movement of his head. "I guess I'm not realizing those changes so quickly. I wouldn't have thought about it, if you hadn't made me. You know I'd talk to you, if I needed help."
Georgia never replied anything. So Howie, who I had the feeling wanted to change the subject quickly, wrapped his arms around her and kissed his girlfriend deeply. "I missed you", he murmured. Georgia smiled, this time answering with another kiss.
Deandra, who like Nikola and me had been silent the whole time, suddenly said: "She's right, you know!"
"About that he's hiding something?" I asked.
She nodded. "Yeah. But the terrible thing is that he's not hiding something. He's trying to hide himself from her."
"What do you mean?" Nikola asked.
"He's afraid to open up to her totally", Deandra sighed.
I couldn't understand. "But why? It's so obvious that she's good for him and that she cares about him a lot. Connor said she didn't even know exactly who he was, when they met." Nikola nodded.
"That's right", Deandra said. „He's not keeping a distance to her because he doesn't care about her. It's the opposite." Deandra looked at us sadly, as she explained: "Howie's greatest fear is losing the people he loves, and I'm sure you know pretty well, where that fear comes from."
"Caroline", I replied.
She nodded. "He never had enough time to let out the pain over losing his sister. He knows that he's still hurting, but he doesn't realize how hard it actually effects him. He and his family had a lot of time to accept the thought that Caroline could die too soon, and when she did it didn't happen so suddenly either. But he knows very well that you can lose someone in a matter of seconds, and that's what's scaring him most. Not being able to say good-bye, not being able to have someone there with him forever. He's..." Deandra paused for a moment, lost in thought. "Unfortunately Howie is too aware of the fact that everyone has to die some day."
"He can't shut himself from everyone", I said. "And as far as I can tell he doesn't. What about his family, and the other guys, and his friends?" The thought that Howie could feel so miserable touched me deeply. There were so many people out there who loved him, and I believed he had a lot of love to give himself. I had had love to give as well, while I had been alive, but I hadn't had anyone to give it to. I knew what it meant to live with the feeling of loneliness deep inside, and I didn't want Howie to live like that. I didn't want anybody to live like that.
"I know", Deandra agreed. "But Georgie... He knows how good she is. He knows how easily he fell for her, and that he still does. He can picture himself with her twenty years from now on, and that's the problem. He thinks they might never get there. Unconsciously he might even know that he couldn't bury any more pain inside himself, should he lose her. And Howie doesn't want to break down some day, but he doesn't have time to grief over Caroline the way he should, either. So the next best thing he thinks he can do is keeping some distance."
We all looked at each other sadly. The three of us knew by now, now that we were dead, how precious life was and that you shouldn't waste a minute of it. But Howie was doing just that.
"Can you help him?" I asked. I had no clue if I could do something for Howie, probably with the help of AJ. But I doubted that. If anyone, then his guardian angel should be the one, right?! Or maybe his own little angel that had come into his life in the form of Georgia.
Deandra forced a smile. "I guess I'll just have to find a way, huh?! Ain't I here to help him through life?"
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