AJ returned to his room. He lay down on the bed and began to read and listen to some music. I took that opportunity to take a break, a much needed one. Again my mind started racing, but got nowhere. I needed so many answers.
Suddenly a feeling of curiosity washed over me, combined with just a little excitement. I looked down at myself, eye-brows knit together in confusion, as if there I could see where the feeling was coming from. Because I sure didn't have a reason to feel curious, nor excited. I looked over at AJ to find him concentrating deeply on what he was reading. He let out a small whistle and I stood up, walking over to him. I peeked over his shoulder to see what he was reading and while I read along with him, it dawned on me that what I had felt before had come from him. Like when I had felt his panic before.
"Wow", I whispered to myself. This was - of course - a totally new experience, but I had to admit it felt alright. It wasn't like his feelings were disturbing mine. Then the joker in me appeared again. I looked at AJ and asked: "Let's see if you're really as horny as they say, huh? Oh boy, just don't get me in trouble!"
I had to laugh at myself, at how I was talking to him although I knew he couldn't hear me and about the look on his face. He looked so cute as he was biting his lower lip, still focusing on the events in the book. I calmed down, just watching him for a while. He was a beautiful guy. But it wasn't just his appearance that made him beautiful, there was just something about him that made you smile contentedly.
I walked over to the other side of the bed, where there was more room. Since there was nothing I could do right now anyway, I decided I could as well read the book with him. I hesitated laying down next to him. Could he feel the weight of my body, when I laid down? Did my body have weight still? I shrugged my shoulders - there was just one way to find out. I climbed onto the bed next to him, realizing that nothing was moving under me. I was touching the sheets, I was really sitting on the bed, but it was as if I didn't. I groaned as confusion swept over me once again. I just hoped that later today I would have time to ask the other ang- ...the others a few questions. It still felt weird to call them angels. I guess because I hadn't accepted all of this yet.
I made myself comfortable next to AJ, shrugging my shoulders. "Hey! Sam did learn how to touch and move things - probably the guy who wrote the script for the movie had some clue about all this and I can learn it, too. But...I did already lift the weights, so I know I can do it. Oh, this is so confusing, damnit! - Whoops!" My eyes shot to the ceiling as they had always done, when I was still alive and begged the Lord for help. Now that I was dead I was even more convinced that he existed. But even now I couldn't be sure.
Where had God been throughout the hell I called my life? Was this his idea of a second chance? I pondered on that thought for a moment. Probably this really was some kind of second life, probably there was even more to come after this one. Whatever...I had definitely found my salvation. Being AJ's guardian angel, or anyone's angel for that matter, was already better than my previous life had ever been.
I decided I needed a pause from all that thinking, so I simply started reading. But I couldn't do that for too long, because only half an hour later AJ had fallen asleep, holding the book tightly to his chest. I kept sitting next to him, just watching. Just feeling. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt that peaceful...
I don't know how much time had passed until Howie came walking into AJ's room. He smiled at AJ and was about to shake him awake, while I smiled up at Deandra.
"AJ often falls asleep while reading", she grinned. "I guess it's his way to keep some of his energy. He seems hyperactive at times, so he needs to just shut down every now and then." I could just nod in response and believe her. After all, I didn't know AJ for very long. "How is he feeling?" Deandra then asked.
"I guess he's feeling alright. No sign of a nightmare or so." I shrugged. Actually, I got the feeling that he had had a pretty nice dream. It was as if I had felt him laugh, although he didn't stir in his sleep.
"That's good. He had been a little depressed a while ago, but we think it was just a phase. We weren't too sure though, 'cause none of us can read his feelings or his mind."
"I can't read his mind either", I replied. "But Renae told me she can read Kevin's. Why?" A look to my left told me that Howie had woken AJ up by now and was telling him something about lunch. I turned my attention back to Deandra.
"I don't know", she admitted. "It just happens one day, usually not before half a year has passed that you spent with the one you guard. My theory is that it would be too confusing. You know, it's hard enough to deal with the fact itself that you're a guardian angel now, then suddenly being able to feel others feelings and...it would just drive you insane, I think. Nae has having a hard time with Kevin as it is. He has a lot of worries at the moment, maybe that's why she got the power now. It's important that she knows exactly what is wrong with him to help him. But it makes her go crazy to hear him all the time." Deandra laughed lightly. "We all had to learn how to deal with it. In time she'll be able to shut him out, when he's just thinking...unimportant stuff." She laughed again, before she asked: "But tell me, how are you feeling?"
"Better, but still...confused. I feel out of place, and I find it hard to accept everything. There's so much I don't understand." I suddenly shut up, wondering why I was opening up to Deandra like this. I had never been one to talk about my feelings. But probably that was just because I had never had anyone to talk to, no one who would have cared.
"Well, whenever there's something you wanna know, feel free to ask the rest of us, ok?"
"Ok", I answered. "Can I start right away?" I grinned sheepishly.
"Sure", she smiled back.
"How about starting with some basics: will I ever be tired, or hungry, or...do I have to eat at all? Stuff like that?!"
Deandra laughed: "Stuff like that, huh?! No, Carrie, you won't have to eat or drink ever again. You won't be tired either, but...of course you can pretend to sleep. You know, lay down and just close your eyes."
"Why pretend?" I wondered out loud.
"I don't know", she grinned. "Probably you'll get tired of seeing AJ."
I shook my head thoughtfully. "No, I won't. I find it strangely calming to watch him." I looked at AJ, who was putting his shoes back on, as Howie was rambling on about something. It was funny how I hadn't even cared to listen. I mean, here I was with the Backstreet Boys, the bunch of five guys who meant so much to me. The guys who had been the only ray of light in the life I used to live, brightening the darkness just a little. Like a distant ray of sunshine that you could see from the depth of the ocean, breaking itself on the water, while you kept drowning. That described my past pretty well. It had got darker by each passing day, and the light that I used to see disappeared as I fell further down, until nothing had been left to save me.
I smiled suddenly. An amazing thought had struck me. People liked to imagine that when they died, they would come somewhere peaceful, a place that was simply a blinding, beautiful light. I had just thought that they might be right: because here I was, finding myself surrounded by the light of my life, the Backstreet Boys - and finding my peace within AJ.
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