A Thousand Pieces ~ Part Ten

January 20

I talked to Howie again today, for the first time in a month. I really miss him, not to mention the rest of the group. He just happens to be the only one I've kept in touch with. I've contemplated ringing up Brian or Kevin - (Nick and I never did get along too well) - but I just can't. The only time I ever talked to them was when I was with AJ. Now, it would just be too awkward.

But Howie knows exactly what to say to make me smile; his personality is always uplifting. I was just getting home from work when the phone rang. The two of us talked for almost an hour. He updated me on how the other guys were doing, what's going on in Backstreet Land.

I told him about how I'm feeling a little better each day, and that soon I think I'm going to be all right. And it's true. After all of the remembering I've been doing, recording every bit in this journal, I realize that I have healed a lot. Of course I get more upset some times than others, but that's natural. There are just certain things that make living without him too much to bear, and I break down. But for the most part, I've come a long way. I think that anyone reading this journal would be able to see that.

It feels like yesterday I wrote my first entry; when I broke down crying, tears smearing the fresh ink. I remember writing about the day AJ and I met, about our first date, our first kiss. The most precious moments of my life are chronicled in this notebook; I will keep it forever. But I'm getting ahead of myself - I do have to finish it first.

It's hard to believe that I've written about everything up to this past June. Time flies - even when you're writing about time that's already passed. Regardless, this past summer wasn't anything like our first summer together. We did spend some time together and go on a tropical vacation, but that's where the similarities to the previous year end.

During June and July, the Boys spent a lot of time making publicity appearances and such in Europe. That meant drastically less time spent with AJ - even our nightly phone conversations were reduced to once every few days. I was definitely getting a glimpse of what it was truly like to be a celebrity's girlfriend; to have my love halfway around the world for months at a time. Needless to say, June and July were lonely and difficult months for me.

I spent them working, of course, more than usual. In my free time, I took up cooking to keep myself busy. I dreamed of having AJ come home every night to find dinner on the table. Instead, I talked to him when I could, and ate alone.

I suppose I was jealous, at least a little bit, that he could go off to see the world - (without me, no less) - having a grand time, living his rock star lifestyle. I mean, we didn't see each other often as it was. This certainly didn't help us any.

But I loved him enough to grin and bear it. Things would improve soon anyway; he'd come back from his travels and we'd go on vacation somewhere during August. We'd been planning it for a while. We couldn't wait to get away and spend time together, just the two of us.

So that's exactly what happened. AJ went home to Orlando at the beginning of August, I took two weeks off from work, and we caught separate flights (from our respective cities) to Barbados. It was perfect - we both transformed completely into two relaxed and pampered tourists, seeing the sights, shopping, hitting the beaches. We went diving one day...it was so surreal, floating in an eternity of cerulean blue, brightly colored angelfish dancing gracefully between us.

Those two weeks in paradise brought us closer together than ever before, as if that were even possible. We were the only two people alive - nothing else mattered, not one bit. We completely confirmed that what we shared was the most perfect love possible. So far it had survived the test of time, distance, and fame. Nothing, we decided, could tear us apart. Ever.

And then, before we knew it, it was time to return to reality. As it turned out, the world in fact hadn't stopped turning in our absence, and there were things that needed to be done. AJ went back to Florida, helping to put the finishing touches on the group's new album, which would be released the second week in October.

Throughout September, frequent visits to the MTV studios and the set of Saturday Night Live, among other shows, kept AJ in New York for extended periods of time. We were both quite pleased with that arrangement, of course. I convinced him to stay at my apartment for weekends at a time, and Angie didn't mind, seeing as how she and J got along splendidly anyway.

One Saturday night when AJ was staying with us, I persuaded Angie to spend the night with one of her girlfriends so that we might have a little privacy, and she gladly complied. AJ and I stayed in the apartment, and I decided that I would finally get my chance to cook dinner for him. The two of us stood in the kitchen, I in my cutoffs and old Billy Joel shirt, he in his huge jeans and muscle tee. I put him to work chopping up vegetables for a salad while I worked on the main course.

Once, I stopped my work to glance over at him. He was lost deep in concentration, biting his lower lip, and trying to be as delicate, as careful as possible with his hands while holding the knife. And suddenly I felt joy well up within me, just to be able to spend this night with this man - this beautiful, soulful, wonderful man that I was so madly in love with. Knowing that his feelings were completely reciprocal felt too right to even be real...I got the sensation that I was dreaming. And I feared so much that sooner or later I would wake up and he would be gone.

Before even a moment had passed, I went back to my cooking, and AJ kept right on chopping, completely oblivious to my thoughts. We carried the dishes - (I made eggplant parmesan) - to the table, and AJ lit a few candles to create an atmosphere. I was reminded astonishingly of our very first date, at the little Italian place in Soho. We'd come so far since then.

After dinner we decided to sneak up to the roof of my apartment building. We took a blanket with us, and sat for hours watching the lights of the city. It was so full of life that I was completely overcome by emotion. AJ took my hand, and we sat in silence, watching the world go by. In a word, everything was...perfect.

But then he left again. And then October rolled around. And then...oh god, I can't do it tonight. I guess I don't have as much strength right now as I thought. But tomorrow, I'll finish it. Perhaps then I'll finally find closure.

January 21

I'm ready to move on. I've finally decided that I'm ready to finish up this tale, the story of the past year and a half of my life. I'm not going to forget about it, or even put it behind me, but I am going to give an end to it in writing. It's time.

The day it happened... where do I even begin? That week I had flown down to be with AJ, a mini-vacation if you will. (It's easy to see that my boss adored me and was quite lenient with my vacation days.) It was the second week of October. I basically just tagged along with AJ on his day-to-day Backstreet activities; I was content to spend time with him and to gain even more insight on what his life was really like when he wasn't with me.

However, a few days after I'd arrived, AJ got a call from management - there was an emergency meeting in L.A., and his presence there was required. There was nothing he could do about it, of course, but I was still a little upset. After all, I'd gone down there to spend time with him, and now he was leaving, and I wasn't permitted to go along for the ride.

I agreed to watch his house for him while he was gone - (which would supposedly only be for two or three days) - and I went along with him to the airport so that I could see him off and take his car home. The entire way there, the air between us was filled with tension. I was irritated, he was stubbornly persistent, and to put it mildly, we weren't getting along.

"Look, I can't help it. I absolutely have to go, and you can't come. I wish you could, but to our management, that request is completely irrelevant."

"I understand that, but what am I supposed to do when you're gone? Just sit around the house?"

"You can do whatever you want. You have the car, you have money, you know a few people who live here. I'm sure you can entertain yourself. It's only going to be a few days." I just gave him a glare and said nothing. "You're totally blowing this out of proportion. It's not a big deal at all."

"I know," I sighed. "I'm sorry. I just hate the thought of being away from you...again."

At the gate, we stood face to face wordlessly for a few moments. It seemed like an eternity, though, with the anticipation of what would become of the entire situation. Finally, we both stepped forward and (forgivingly, passionately) wrapped our arms around each other.

"I'm sorry," he whispered into my ear. "Marry me when I get back."

I didn't even pause, didn't need to consider. "Yes." It was a breathless murmur, the most satisfying word I'd ever said in my life.

We held on to each other as if we would never let go again. However, the final boarding call was announced for his flight, and he slipped out of my arms and disappeared before I could even whisper "I love you" one final time.

I watched the plane take off and then drove, alone, back to AJ's house with nothing planned for the rest of the night. After a considerable time spent wandering through the halls aimlessly, I found myself outside, in the back. I was drawn to the swimming pool, its usual aquamarine color turned crystal clear in the sharp moonlight. The shadows danced around me as I sat down on the smooth white concrete at the edge.

I let one foot dangle carelessly into the warm water; I set the other on the ground in front of me and rested my forehead on my upright knee. That's how Howie found me hours later, my cheeks already stained from dried tears, when he came with the news that AJ was dead.

~

Continue to part eleven

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