A Thousand Pieces ~ Part Two

December 16

Angie wants to take me away somewhere for Christmas. She says I need to get away from this place, because there are so many memories here, and it will only make me feel worse. I don't know if I want to go. This place comforts me somehow - it's like he's still here, like I'll walk into my bedroom and he'll be there waiting for me.

But maybe Angie's right. The holidays might bring back memories too strong even for me. Whenever I think about last year's Christmas, AJ is all that comes to mind.

We spent Christmas Eve in front of the fireplace, confessing things to each other that seemed important at the time but probably aren't so important now. I can't recall exactly what we talked about, but I definitely remember the feeling of just being there, curled up with him. We fit together so well that I used to think of us as two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

Before we went to sleep that night, he gave me my Christmas present. It was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. It was a ring - a simple platinum band - that had a message engraved on the inside. It said 'Me Too.'

I should probably explain what that means to us. Whenever we talked on the phone while he was in public, we had a ritual. At the end of the conversation, I would say, "I love you." When there were a lot of people around, all he said was, "Me too." It was all he needed to say. It was all I needed to hear.

I'm wearing the ring now. I used to wear it on the middle finger of my left hand, because I decided not to wear any rings on my ring finger until I was married. Ever since AJ's been gone, though, things have changed. I wear the ring on my ring finger now.

I think I will go with Angie wherever she's planning to take me. Staying here for Christmas would be hard. But wherever we go, I'm taking my ring with me.

December 20

Angie's decided that we're going out to her cabin in the mountains for the holidays. I've never been there before, so it won't have any memories that are too painful for me. I won't ever be able to stop thinking about him, but maybe someday I'll get used to it. Not this holiday season, though.

I'm feeling all right tonight - I think I can do a little more remembering, get some more things down on paper without breaking down. I'll follow Angie's advice and go back to the beginning. A few days ago I remembered when we first met. Now it's time for our first date.

After AJ and I ran into each other on the street, I hurried back to my apartment and took a shower. I felt like I had been living my life half-asleep, and I'd just woken up, and everything had a new crackle of excitement to it. I got ready for my first evening with this handsome stranger with more nervousness and enthusiasm than I'd felt about anything in a long time. A long time.

This is the kind of event you don't tend to forget. I remember every little detail about that night. I even remember what I wore - isn't that funny? It was my favorite outfit: a knee-length black skirt and a silver, beaded silk camisole. I wanted to look special.

I met him at a little Italian restaurant down in Soho. I walked through the door, and he was standing there, waiting for me. He smiled, and I felt like I was coming home.

He had on these really baggy khaki pants and a sweater vest over a button-down shirt. I remember thinking that he would look really great if only he would get his pants a few sizes smaller. Now that I think back on it, it seems hilarious. I never did convince him to buy smaller pants - instead, I grew to love the baggy look he just wouldn't give up.

We sat down at a table in the back of the restaurant. The place was tiny, and everything was dark and warm and cozy. There were candles on every table and a violinist in the corner giving us a private serenade.

AJ and I talked, and talked, and talked - for hours on end, until the owner of the store asked us politely if we would leave so that the cook could go home. He didn't tell me what his job was at first. Instead we basically told each other our life story, starting way back at the beginning. He was surprised - (pleasantly, I think) - that I'd never heard of him before. I explained that with college, I didn't really have time to follow music even though I loved it. He understood.

Over a glass of the best Merlot I'd ever had, I got to know this new acquaintance better than I knew my own family. He was a little younger than I was - (I was about to turn twenty-three; he had just turned twenty-two) - but the age difference really made no difference at all. I discovered a man who was my equal in every respect.

He walked me home after dinner, through the streets crowded with people we didn't even notice were there. When we got back to my apartment, he didn't come inside with me. We didn't even kiss. He just said, "I'll see you tomorrow. Is eight o'clock all right?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," I told him. The next morning when I opened my door to go to class, there was a bouquet of red roses lying on the floor outside.

I need to stop now. It's late, and I need to go start packing. Angie and I might leave tomorrow. Besides, there's only so much remembering I can do in a night before it catches up to me, and I start to realize how alone I really am.

~

Continue to part three

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