A Thousand Pieces ~ Part Three

December 21

Well, we're here. Angie and I drove out to her family's old cabin in the woods - a six hour drive. My legs are so stiff from sitting in the car that I can barely feel them. I'm not sure if I'm going to enjoy this little vacation or not. I already miss the hustle and bustle of the big city at Christmas…all the lights and people. This isn't too bad, though. It's very cozy.

Six hours in the car gave me a long time to think. I took a mental journey through summer of last year - the time AJ and I started to get really close. Angie noticed that I was starting to zone out and drown myself in memories. She tried to start a conversation with me to take my mind off of everything, but that didn't work too well. After another few minutes of silence, she asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I didn't, really, but she insisted that it would be good for me.

I told her about how things were with AJ and me when we first started seeing each other. I was just about to graduate from college, and my life was so hectic, it was crazy. I barely had time to sleep, and yet AJ managed to find a way to see me each and every day.

We started out nice and slow - neither of us was looking for something serious, but we couldn't help falling in love. Everything felt too right for us to pass this relationship by.

Sometimes when I close my eyes and leave the world behind me, I can recapture the feeling I got from being with AJ during those first few months. I literally felt like I was on top of the world. Nothing could go wrong. I was insanely happy. It was so intense an emotion that the word euphoria doesn't even begin to describe it.

Two weeks after the day AJ and I had met - (two weeks until I would graduate) - he stopped by my apartment unannounced while I was studying. He had originally been in New York for some award show, but after we met, he decided to stay in town longer; he didn't have anything planned in the near future, so he was free to do whatever he wanted.

So that night he swung by my apartment with take-out Chinese food. He learned quickly that I often neglected to eat when I was stressed out, so he decided that it would be his responsibility to make sure I was never hungry. Sometimes I could have sworn our relationship was based on food.

I took a fifteen-minute break and sat down with him on the couch in the living room. We chatted as we ate: he asked me how studying was going, I asked about his friends in his singing group, the usual. And then something amazing happened. I don't know what caused it - maybe there was just something in the air? All I know is, he was in the middle of a sentence when I leaned over and kissed him, and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

It took a lot of self-control to break off that kiss, but I did it - because I knew that if I didn't, I wouldn't have been able to stop, and I did need to get some work done that night. When I leaned back and looked into his eyes:

"Wow," he whispered.

"Double wow," I smiled, as he slipped his hand around the back of my neck and kissed me again.

We both decided that he should probably leave after that. He wanted to stay as much as I wanted him to, but tonight just wasn't the night. We knew that we would both be able to feel it when the time was right. We wanted it to be special.

I need to stop now. This is exactly what happened when I tried to tell Angie all this in the car: I got choked up. I wish I could be able to think about AJ and not cry. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of remembering.

December 23

I got in a fight with Angie today. She kept insisting that it would be better for me to talk about AJ, to get all my feelings out in the open. "Come on, just for a few minutes. Tell me about you and AJ." "Get it all off your chest. You shouldn't keep it locked inside all the time." "Wouldn't it make you feel better just to tell me?" Why doesn't she understand that I'm too deeply hurt and alone to confess everything out loud? I need time. She just doesn't get it.

But what I can't tell to Angie continues to haunt me. All the pent-up emotions I'm holding in - they won't let me go. I wonder…maybe if I put them down on paper, can I let them go?

The thing that really got me today was remembering not only AJ, but everyone. Our whole group. They really took me in, almost like part of one big, happy family.

In the weeks shortly after AJ and I started seeing each other, he gradually intoduced me to his circle of people. They were different from anyone I'd ever known - mostly because they were famous, and I wasn't used to fame. I was really naïve, in a way, but they understood that. I almost think it made them like me more.

The first person AJ introduced me to was Howie. Howie was another member of AJ's singing group, which I was still pretty unfamiliar with. Howie was immediately such a sweetheart to me, always making me feel welcome. The first time I met him, he had stopped by New York for an interview with a big TV station. Without any advance notice, he swung by the hotel where AJ was staying for those few weeks - to be with me until I graduated and was free to travel.

I was over at AJ's hotel that night - it was a Sunday evening, and we were just lounging around and talking and making each other laugh. Suddenly, someone knocked on the door. AJ jumped up to get it, and as soon as he did, he gave the person standing there a high five and a friendly hug. I got to my feet and saw a short Puerto Rican guy, a few years older than AJ, maybe, with longish brown hair pulled back into a ponytail.

"So you're the one I've heard so much about," he grinned at me as he shook my hand. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you."

"Heard so much about, huh?" I threw a sideways glance at AJ, smiling. "Well, please disregard everything that goof's told you."

Howie burst out laughing. He was always so happy. "No, don't worry! It was all good stuff. I promise."

Howie hung out with us for another forty-five minutes or so that night. I remember asking him lots of questions about being on tour, things that AJ and I had never really discussed before that. I remember that he was also extremely interested in what I was studying in college, because he never got the chance to do it himself. After that first night, Howie left a great impression on me. Ever since then, he has been one of my most trusted friends. Most trusted after AJ, that is. But now that AJ's not here for me to talk to, Howie is all I have…and he's not even around that often. Thank god for Angie. I don't know how I'd pull through without her.

~

Continue to part four

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