A Thousand Pieces ~ Part Five
December 28
Finally! We're back home. It's good to be in the city again. Yesterday was spent cramped up in the car, so today I just hung out around the house and unpacked. I think I had a better time with Angie in the mountains than I thought I would. Surprisingly, she made me forget about everything for a while. I got in the holiday spirit, I laughed, I drank eggnog, I cried into my eggnog. Oh well, at least it worked for a while.
So now it's back to the daily grind. In three days another year will have come and gone. I can't believe how quickly time passes. It's hard to convince myself that it wasn't just yesterday AJ was sharing my life with me. That it wasn't just last night he was sharing my bed. That it wasn't just this morning I woke up to his hot breath on the back of my neck.
Sometimes I catch myself blaming him for what happened, but then I realize that it was probably my fault. And that hurts so much. I can't even bear to think about it.
So here we go again, back into memory land. Florida. God, it was amazing - so totally unlike New York and everything I was used to. It was like there was always a party going on somewhere, always a little excitement in the air. And everything was so open, none of the narrow streets and skyscrapers of the city. And the beach was only an hour away. I loved when AJ took me to the beach. I think that was my favorite part of Florida. That week at the beach house... ugh, shit, I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway...
We spent our first few days in the Sunshine State basically getting oriented. AJ showed me around Orlando, his favorite restaurants, shops, clubs, everything. We had a $500 dinner at Emeril's one night, went window shopping at the expensive designer stores. We went dancing at Downtown Disney and drove down I-Drive at midnight with the windows down, singing along to the radio.
"I love this," I confessed to him one night, a week after we'd arrived, lying with him in the hammock in his backyard, looking at the stars. The palm tree fronds swayed gently in the breeze above our heads. "I love everything about this. I love Florida, I love the way it makes me feel. I love being here with you," I whispered, my eyes fixed to the pinpoints of light in the sky.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him turn his head and smile softly. "That's good," he whispered back, his voice soft. "Because I love having you here with me."
"If only this summer could last forever," I wished out loud. "I never want it to end..." I sighed.
He only chuckled. "But you see," he told me, "this is only the beginning."
And it was. There was so much more to come, so much more for me to experience. But at that moment, all that existed were the stars and the palm trees and AJ's shoulder for my head to rest on.
I think...I think I need to stop now. This had been going so well, but tonight my resolve keeps crumbling. It's just that remembering the way I felt those first few weeks of summer is twisting my heart. I had so much hope and so much love built up inside me... so many expectations and so many desires. And now, now all I have is a void. If I had a time machine, and I could pick one time to go back to, I would go back to the beginning of that summer so that maybe, just once, I could feel that kind of hope again.
December 29
I feel so angry today! I don't know why, but this morning I woke up and I just felt mad at everyone. At the world. Nothing's going my way, and it's pissing me off, damn it!
There's no specific reason. But I'm just seething inside! I feel like slapping someone across the face. Really hard. I hope no one bothers me today, or they'll be in big trouble. Trust me, I know how to throw a punch.
Argh! I'm too mad to remember anything right now. Nothing would come out right. I hate writing in this journal. I hate the way it makes me feel, and I hate the things it makes me remember. All it does is dredge up memories I'd filed away long ago. I don't need this.
The world is too unjust, too cruel. I need to go do something relaxing before I explode.
December 30
Sorry about yesterday. I just got in one of those moods where I'm mad at the world. Missing AJ and the stress of the holidays just got to me, I guess. I always have had a temper.
I keep thinking I should just give up this whole diary thing. It's just digging up old memories I'd locked away a long time ago. But then I started thinking, this actually does make me feel a little better. Maybe it's some weird form of catharsis, I'm just not sure. It's cleansing. Regardless, I'll follow Angie's advice and stick to it.
Ho hum. I'm not sure where to start up again. Last entry I was talking about our first few days in Florida. Well, the next couple weeks or so went just like that. Relaxing, getting to know each other a lot better.
Every night at twilight we'd sit outside on the patio by the pool and listen to music and talk and have a margarita. The sunsets were so spectacular. Ribbons of red and orange and purple streaked through the sky that was this intense indigo blue color. We'd just sit there by the water and take it all in. It was breathtaking. I don't think you can get sunsets like that anywhere else.
Then we'd go on our nightly excursions. God, we had so much fun! We went somewhere different every night. I remember one of my favorite experiences…
One lazy afternoon, we were sitting outside dangling our feet in the pool. I glanced over at AJ, squinting in the sun, and asked, "So, hot stuff, what's on the agenda tonight?"
He grinned. "Not sure yet. I'll call up D and ask him what he's doing." I waited a few minutes while AJ whipped out his cell - (he always had it with him, no matter what) - and called Howie. After he hung up: "Well, he's not doing anything tonight, but he told me about this place called the Groove, down at Universal's Citywalk. They have 70's night on Tuesdays, which is today, and if you dress up in 70's clothes, you get in free…and get free drinks!" His face lit up with this last comment.
"I see why that appeals to you," I said sarcastically, flipping a few drops of water in his direction with my toe. "But where do you suggest we get 70's clothes? I certainly don't have any with me."
"There's a thrift store down the street," he exclaimed. "Come on, let's go!" He jumped to his feet and slipped on a pair of tennis shoes. I let out a burst of laughter and followed him to the car. We spent the rest of the afternoon browsing around for the craziest outfits we could find. When we were finally ready to go out, we looked like we stepped right out of Saturday Night Fever. It was hilarious. But let me tell you…we had a hell of a good time that night.
I'll have to continue this in a day or two. My eyes keep falling shut, even though I will them to stay open, and my handwriting is quickly becoming illegible. But for now, I'll just keep in my mind the memory of that summer's start, when we were set free to each other and the world. The very beginning - when every day was full of sun, and every night was a different party. It's funny, I remember exactly how I felt - wishing that sometime soon we would share the entire night together. But it didn't worry me too much. I knew it would happen.
But now… my soul tonight is heavy. It's easy to imagine that - every moment - a scrap of sorrow, like a bird, lights upon my heart. It's only when I dream at night that, deep inside my subconscious, I can feel it fly away. But it's all in vain - for when I wake every morning, it returns. I fear that it's here to stay.
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Continue to part six
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