A Thousand Pieces ~ Part Six

December 31

Another year. I can hardly believe it.

Tonight Angie's going out to celebrate - probably going over to Times Square, like she always does. The girl is crazy. Me…I'll just stay here, alone, thank you very much. There's no one I particularly want to share tonight with.

This time last year…well, I'm sure it's obvious who I was with. (This is getting a bit redundant, isn't it?) Last year we were the crazy ones, going to Times Square and facing the crowds. If the bodyguards had found out that the two of us - especially AJ - had gone out there on New Year's Eve without security, we would have gotten our asses kicked from here to the moon by management. It was all worth it, though - there was magic in the air when the ball dropped. And a kiss at midnight, of course… what could be better? I don't know.

Things were so different a year ago. It almost seems like another lifetime, like something I look back on and can't believe that that was me. It's as if I'm trying to see through a haze, a cloud of smoke, but nothing's really clear. Who knows if I'm even telling things truly right here, as I write? It's so hard for me to remember sometimes. So hard…

Some things are clear, though. It's clear to me that I'm a hollow shell, a pathetic excuse for a living, breathing human being. Breathe life into me, new year, I beg of you! I have nothing to offer in this time when nothing lasts. This new year, though…it might actually hold something "new." I'll just have to wait and see.

I seem to be talking in riddles tonight. For some people, it sounds mysterious. For me, it just sounds like a bunch of bullshit.

Okay, so I've been remembering the past, right? But New Year's Eve, for me, is not a time for remembering. What I'm most concerned about is what the next 365 days will bring. Will I have to go through anything like what I did this past year? If I do, I don't know if I'll be able to make it. All I can do is pray that I'll be strong. That I'll hold together. With a little help, I just might be able to pull through.

A few resolutions might not hurt, either. Here are a couple I thought of earlier.

I resolve not to bitch and complain about missing AJ anymore. I'm a grown woman. I can handle my own little sorrows. Nobody else wants to hear it, and I only sound weak.

I resolve to listen to Angie, even when she tells me that I'm wrong. She's always looking out for me, and sometimes she even knows what the hell she's talking about.

I resolve to be more honest with myself. No more excuses. For anything.

I resolve to make more resolutions. Having goals for myself is only going to help in the long run.

Finally, I resolve not to quit writing in this journal. I believe that it really is helping me get on with everything. Putting my feelings down on paper is strangely soothing.

So, in a few hours it will be midnight. But you wanna know what my thoughts are right now? Even though everyone makes such a fuss about tonight, about the turning of the new year, when all is said and done…it's just another day.

January 2

So here I am. The ball dropped, and the world didn't end. Things really don't feel too different at all. I'm still the same inside. Even though I resolved not to complain about my loneliness, I never said that I wouldn't miss him any more. Because I still do.

Angie had a great time the other night. She nearly got trampled to death in the insanely large crowd, but she insists that it made her feel closer to the human race as a whole. I personally believe that Angie needs to be committed to a mental institution.

Didn't get a chance to write yesterday. I was cleaning and basically just recovering from the holidays. Have to go back to work soon. Not fun. Angie had a pretty bad hangover, but she still dragged me over to her parents' house for a traditional New Year's dinner of sauerkraut. She says it'll bring good luck. I just think it tastes good.

Otherwise...well, that's it. I'm in the mood for a good bit of reminiscing tonight. Let me flip back a few pages to see where I left off. Oh yeah. Just talking about our Florida fun in the sun. I'm not gonna keep going on about that for too much longer, because for the first month everything down there pretty much stayed the same. Our routine. Our relationship. So I'll just get to the interesting part.

The first week of July. Actually, I think it was July 2nd, though I'm not sure why I remember that. It was a Friday morning - well, early afternoon, because we'd been out late the previous night, as usual.

I woke up to the sun streaming through the curtains, stretched my arms above my head. When I rolled over, about to get out of bed, I noticed something a little out of place. On the pillow next to mine was a scrap of paper.

I picked it up. It read: "A journey awaits us. Where are we going? Clue #1 is on the dresser."

"The man is crazy," I unconsciously said out loud, smiling. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and walked straight to the dresser across the room. On it, there were a key and another message.

I picked up the key to inspect it. It was brass, and engraved in it was a number: 824. It looked like it belonged to a hotel room, maybe an apartment.

"This could be fun," I grinned. I picked up the second note.

"Didn't I tell you the fun was just beginning? Look in the bathroom for Clue #2." I set the paper back down on the dresser. Curiosity pounded through my veins as I half-ran into the bathroom to look for the next little hint AJ had left me.

A bucket full of sand sat next to the sink. I laughed out loud, felt the urge to run outside and do cartwheels. There was another note beside the plastic pail, probably another hint, but I didn't need it.

I sprinted out of my bedroom, the door slamming behind me, and bounded down the stairs to the kitchen. AJ was busy making pancakes and didn't hear me coming - but I think he noticed when I jumped onto his back and wrapped my legs around his waist.

"I guess you got the hints," he chuckled as I let out a cheer at the top of my lungs. I jumped off his back, onto my own feet again, and swung him around to face me.

"This is going to be so much fun!" I smiled widely, letting my fingers drift through his hair around to the back of his neck.

He raised his eyebrows at me. "You didn't even look at all the clues," he murmured dryly.

"I didn't need them." Placed a soft kiss on the side of his neck. "I'm not as slow as you think I am," I grinned. I remember - that morning, I couldn't stop grinning.

I stood on tip-toe and softly pressed my lips to his. After a few moments, we pulled away from each other and smiled: slow, lazy smiles as we both realized what, exactly, was in store.

"So..." I cleared my throat. "Do I get any details now, or are you going to make me suffer?"

He stuck his tongue out at me, then answered my question. "This evening we're driving over to the coast. There's this hotel on St. Petersburg beach, the Don CeSar, that's the most amazing place in the whole damn state. We'll spend the week there...be there for the fourth of July."

I shook my head slowly. "You're amazing, AJ, have I ever told you that?"

"Probably," he smirked. "But you can always tell me again." We stared at each other for a split second, then burst out laughing and ran upstairs to start packing.

I knew that week was going to be incredibly special. The beach - we were going to have such a wonderful time! Not that we didn't always have a good time, but a week at the beach, alone, with AJ? The mere thought of what could happen made me shiver in anticipation.

This feels like a good place to stop for the night. I usually conclude these journal entries with some comment about how different things are now than they were then, or how lonely I am, or anything. Tonight I won't. Let's just start the year off on a good foot and leave it at that, 'k? I'll write again tomorrow if all goes well.

~

Continue to part seven

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