A Thousand Pieces ~ Part Seven
January 4
Today was my first day back at work since the holidays. I had thought that it would be depressing, but it was actually somewhat of a relief. It gave me something to do, something to help me occupy my thoughts and keep them from turning to AJ. As they always end up doing.
Everyone was glad to see me back, too. They all asked how I was holding up, if they could do anything for me, et cetera. I usually don't like to take sympathy from anyone, but I actually found it comforting. It was nice.
So, as could be expected, I'm exhausted. I haven't been used to working all day long over the past couple weeks of vacation. I feel like running a bath so hot the mirror fogs up, filling it up with bubbles that smell like lavender, and relaxing. And then I think I'll just curl up in bed and sleep. But first, I think I'll write a bit, since I'm feeling pretty good tonight, and I'm in a mood to take myself back to happy times.
Happy times…what happier times could I think of than our week at the Don? I'm telling you, that hotel was every bit as magnificent as AJ tried to explain to me during our drive there. I fell in love with it the first time I caught a glimpse of it. I can't even begin to explain it… so I think I'll paste a picture of it into this journal. I clipped it from a brochure I picked up while we were there.
Isn't it spectacular? I could hardly believe I was lucky enough to actually stay there - for an entire week, no less!
AJ and I arrived the afternoon of the same day he told me we were going. (Didn't I mention something about July 2? I believe that was the date.) We had simply thrown a bunch of clothes into a couple suitcases and were on our way. We checked in at about three o'clock. I was still in shock at the beauty of the place, so I let AJ do the paperwork while I looked around. When everything was set, I was amazed to find that AJ had gotten us one of those huge suites on the top floor. I cringe to imagine how much that must've cost him, but then, he could afford it.
As soon as we got to the room, we both spied the French doors that led to the balcony at the same time. Leaving our suitcases in the hallway in our haste, we raced toward the doors and flung them open. I breathed in a huge lung-ful of salty sea air as AJ wrapped his arms around my waist from behind.
We leaned on the balcony's railing, gazing at the blue ocean, blue sky, until the minutes seemed to blur together and time itself stood still.
Good times, good times. I miss them like crazy. I miss those times that the two of us spent together, but I miss AJ himself more than anything. After I've had a tough day like today, I just wish I could fall into his arms and forget it all. But I'm getting used to being alone, I think. I don't like it much. But I'm getting used to it.
January 5
Another day back at work. Angie's still lounging around the house doing nothing. These days, that girl doesn't seem to have a care in the world. I envy her, if only a little. She's been trying to find a job somewhere as an actress. I hope she can, because right now I'm the only one paying the rent. I don't mind, though. I know she'll pitch in whenever she can.
Life can be so crazy sometimes, can't it? It's all so overwhelming - sometimes I feel like I just can't stand it. Everything comes down at me until I feel like I'm being crushed. I'm sure everyone has that feeling once in a while. Maybe that's another reason why I've come to enjoy writing in my journal. It helps me escape reality…I can just pretend I'm in a totally different place at a totally different time. And not totally alone.
So, on that note, let's imagine I'm with AJ at the beach, shall we? Hmm.. easier said than done. But who cares. I'm trying.
The afternoon we arrived at the hotel was spent unpacking and unwinding. We lounged around on the patio by the pool for a while, sipping frozen drinks and just enjoying each other's company. There were quite a few people around, so of course there was the occasional request for an autograph or picture, but other than that we were pretty much left alone to relax.
After a while we meandered down to the beach, kicked off our shoes, and walked hand in hand in the surf while the sun was setting. It was awfully cliché - sand, sunset, water lapping - but it was romantic, I have to admit.
AJ picked up a seashell that was being smoothed by the waves - pink and unbroken. He handed it to me, splashing me with a few drops of warm gulf water in the process. I splashed back. "I love you, J."
"I love you too," he replied softly. Squeezed my hand gently. I squeezed back. We headed back up the beach to the hotel to change for dinner.
A while ago this evening, I was reading a novel by Hardy, and I found something that I thought was really interesting. He says, "Love is a possible strength in an actual weakness." I think that is the truest thing I've ever heard. This love that AJ and I shared made me feel like the strongest person in the world - but in actuality, it made me weak, because look at me now. I wish Hardy was still living, so that I could tell him how deeply that statement resonated within me.
January 7
Today I noticed that I've been losing weight. Actually, Angie noticed. It's just that lately I haven't had any appetite at all, haven't felt like eating. I was thin to start out with…now I'm becoming skin and bones. I'm wasting away, but it's because the real hunger I had - the hunger for life - is gone.
I used to eat like crazy. AJ teased me, called me the "human vacuum cleaner." He and I were the exact same in that we could eat and eat, and never gain an ounce. Weird ones, we were, but that's how I liked it. Normal can be so boring.
Today was the coldest day we've had in months. January weather in the city can be a nightmare. I remember AJ telling me, that summer, about Florida weather... how, some years, it can stay eighty degrees throughout the entire winter. Crazy! But then, considering how hot it can be there in the summer (say, the Fourth of July weekend) that doesn't seem too unrealistic.
When we were there, it was hot, and I don't just mean warm - I mean sweltering. So hot the sweat just poured off your skin, prolonged physical activity outdoors was unheard of, and heat-trapping clothes were torture. So, needless to say, we spent most of our time without clothes. In bathing suits, that is.
We spent our days on the beach. I loved it, not having been to the ocean since I was a child, and even then we were up north, so the water was too cold to swim. AJ and I got up the morning after we got there, bright and early, grabbed some towels and hit the sand. We spent all day lounging around... tanning, swimming, playing volleyball, lying in the hammocks provided by the hotel.
"So, what's our plan for tomorrow night?" I asked that afternoon, as we were bobbing lazily in the waves. "Celebrating the Fourth in style, I assume?"
AJ grinned. "Of course, darling. We've got dinner reservations, and then the hotel's gonna have fireworks, which start after sunset. After that... who knows?"
"Ooh, we're gonna wing it, huh?" I paused to let a wave wash over me, then surfaced, wiping salt water from my eyes. "Anything in mind?"
"Nothing whatsoever," AJ responded. "Let's just let the night takes us wherever it wants. Wherever *we* want."
We shared a kiss and a smile, then decided to head back up to the beach to catch some more sun before it started to dip below the horizon. Everything was so perfect, all of it, AJ and me and that beach and that damn beautiful hotel.
And now, it's cold. So cold. Frigid...just like me. Perhaps I fluctuate with the weather... the heat brought out my passion, just as the chill takes it away. Or perhaps the main factor that influences my behavior is the people I'm with. That would make sense, though I wish it didn't - for though the weather will grow warm again come next summer, AJ's absence is for good, and I will have no reprieve.
~
Continue to part eight
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